So, I currently just turned 17 years old last Saturday (The 13th, bad sign eh?) I’ve always been a fairly short male, which is fine by me, I love being short. I’m underweight at an amazing 93 pounds. When I was too young to remember, my parents got divorced. I had to live with my father. I’ve always been a person to be extremely shy..and I have VERY few interests. My only interests are video games, and very very slightly poker. I spent most of the time playing video games. At about the age of 10 or so, I began to understand the kind of people I liked. My father was not one. I continued to play video games all day and hated school, like most kids. I rarely ever fit in with everyone, including my friends. I tended to have to change the way I am just to fit in.
 Until I was 15 years old, I watched porn and talked bad about females all the time, just as my friend’s did. When I was 15, I stopped playing so much video games, and started watching a certain show a lot, I may or may not give the name of that show. I watched it over and over for 5 months, and during that time, I did not watch porn or talked bad about females once..I tried to stay away from that. My friends were becoming more distant to me, and I didn’t really care; I wanted nothing to do with them. After those 5 months, I watched a different show for around a month and a half.. during the summer, just before sophomore (10th grade) year. I tried to avoid conversation with my father and step-mother. I also started to read the Bible and prayed a lot. I wished I was in another world. I hated this one, and hated what I used to be, and what most people were. My father started asking why I was reading the Bible and such, but I avoided the topic, until finally he forced me to tell him.. I told him I wished to be somewhere else, and ofcourse, he said I could no longer watch the show I watched. 10th grade came up, and I decided since I had nothing else to do, I’d play games a lot..the entire year I tried to be a good Christian, and prayed a lot.. I truly believed in God.
 I eventually got baptized and was proud of it. I still hated the world and wished I was somewhere else. I continued to play games all day, and realized more and more that my prayers were rarely answered..but like a normal Christian, I shrugged it off as maybe it’ll happen later or God has a reason why not. My interest in God withered away until it was a pebble, along with my faith. I stopped reading the Bible, and realized that I wasn’t sure if I believed in Him or not anymore. I continued to pray, for even the simplest sign that He existed. Nothing.
 The week before the end of the summer until my junior year (11th grade), I was dreading school so much..I called my mother and asked her what she thought my father would say if I asked for online school, due to his high temper issues. I told her I didn’t like people. She didn’t like the idea obviously, but said maybe my father, her, and I could sit down and talk about it. My father was asleep at the moment, and about an hour later, he burst down stairs and told me to come talk to him. I knew I was screwed. He asked why I wanted to take online school, and I told him the same, I did not like people. He told me I had to deal with people..I knew that, but hated it. Unless I ran into the wilderness, I had to deal with people. He told me that I could no longer play games, and I was crushed. It was my only escape from this hell. I had to go to school as well, which sucked. About 2 months into junior year, I decided I did not believe in God any longer. My mother was shattered, and refuses to believe it. Everyone in junior year noticed I was a lot more morbid as well. I attempted to drop out of school, but I needed to be 18 without parental consent, and my father was pissed, he screamed when I told him I tried that. I’ve realized that every SINGLE fucking time I ask him anything, it makes things worse.
 Needless to say, I tried to talk less and less. Some days I was seriously about to grab my father’s gun and end it. (He is a police officer.) I eventually had to take counceling, and they figured I was depressed, and put me on Zoloft (spelling?). I tried it once, and that night I got a stomach virus and spent the entire night throwing up. I decided I wasn’t going to take it anymore, for reasons other than that. My parents told me that wasn’t the reason why I got sick, and I understood and believed that, however…I wasn’t taking it. My dad yelled at me and said I was going to take it. I told him both the doctor and psychiatrist told me I did not have to take it. He said he doesn’t care, I live in his house, therefore I have to. He grabbed my head and try to shove it down my throat, it began to hurt, so I tried getting his hand away from my head..I’m 93 pounds, and he’s a cop, so I obviously didn’t stand a chance..He threw me onto the ground and still tried to shove it into my mouth, but he realized it wasn’t going to work..so he gave up. We talked about things I cannot remember completely, all I can remember is that I told him something along the lines of “Well then I’ll just kill myself.” He said I wasn’t aloud to kill myself, and he said he’s taking me to the hospital. I told him that forcing me to live is right? He said yes, ofcourse. He told me to grab my shoes..So I did, and ran out the door downstairs. I didn’t expect him to do such a thorough lookthrough, so he eventually found me, and I just started walking away from him..he walked as well, we never started running. I walked for about 10 minutes, and ran across a highway, headed towards some woods. A couple of minutes later, he was closing in on me, since he was walking faster I suppose..So I darted off, and kept my distance from him..Then…a police car drove up..Knowing that if I tried to run I could get tazed, or get caught due to my father being a faster runner..I just sat down..My dad asked what he should do…I told him to get me away from him. Ultimately, I went to live with my mother that night. My father and I do not speak anymore, thankfully.
 My step-father and mother are huge Christian people..and I can’t stand it, they bring God into everything. They know I don’t believe in Him, yet they still bring Him up constantly..We have completely different values on life so there is constant conflict..I want to waste my life on the computer. They don’t agree with how I want to live. I can only get on the computer for 3 hours a day, which may be a lot to some, but it’s nothing to me.. I have nothing to do on it either anymore. I simply use it to forget. I tried to get away from here, and live with a friend, who has even said he’d like me to live with him. I asked him if he could ask his grandmother for me to live there, I offered to work and everything, which would probably tick me over the edge. He said he didn’t want to ask because he didn’t like asking those kinds of things. I don’t like living here, I don’t like what happens to me..I have to deal with it, I asked him if he couldn’t do this for my sake. He was too selfish, or was lying when he said he wanted me to move in with him..Needless to say, he never asked..So..Whatever.Â
 Today, someone at school offered to sell me some weed for the first time ever..and I think I’m going to buy some, for the sheer fact of…It’s a temporary release of this hell. But, that will not stop me from committing suicide..I’d just like to try it once.
I am one of the few on here that is not joking in the slightest, or just in a bad mood when typing this. This is my constant mood always, for years. This post is already 3 or more times larger than most, so I will try to end it here..but I’ve only told you a tiny bit, less than 5%, no exaggeration at all. Some people in this world, no matter how talented, get screwed. I’m not saying I’m talented, it’s obvious I’m not. However, there are some people, no matter how selfish, jerky, etc.. get lifted high and have everything. I suppose I got screwed. I’m NOT saying this for a pity party, whether you believe me or not..is your choice. A friend of mine has even told me, without me asking, “You have a long history of getting screwed.” He’s only known me for 4 years, and he’s seen a ton in those years. I have so much more that I haven’t even told him. Unlike most of the people here that I’ve seen, I’m not doing this because of one thing in my life..It’s everything added up in this world.. Also, since this is the end, I might as well say..The shows I watched were Ranma 1/2 and then Inuyasha, I am not an anime freak..just..lost, and wish I was somewhere else. I’m not sure what else to add, unless I make this take up over 3000 words, it’s at 1500 now.. So..I’m done.
28 comments
Smoke weed. It’s great. Plus stoners are actually pretty trustworthy people.
Anime’s great. You don’t have to be a “freak” to like it.
Also, your dad’s a douchebag. Fuck the man and grab some sweet green.
Smoking weed all the time wouldn’t make things better..All it’d simply do is help me forget temporarily.
And sometimes that’s what people need to not shoot their brains out.
sir, i have a lot to offer you. you sound a lot like me, with your personality. i used to make jokes to myself about living, i’d ask myself things like, “do you know what i hate more than EVERYTHING? …nothing” and “where there’s people..there’s not daniel” that, and funny faces in the mirror were my laughter. it is good to hate the world.
PLEASE read my post here: http://suicideproject.org/2010/02/please-let-god-help-you-7/
and take care of yourself..
Losing your faith is horrible. I sometimes question whether or not there’s a God but then I remember that I’ve seen miracles happen. Sometimes they aren’t very obvious until you look back on them. I too feel like I’ve been dealt a crappy card in life sometimes or I should say I have in the past. Right now life is pretty good but it hasn’t always been that way. We all have things in life that get us down but they are only temporary. One day I was so broke and had no idea why. I went into the bathroom at work and got down on my knees and prayed to God to help me. I didn’t pray much then and still don’t. I decided to go to the car wash and clean out my car just to get away from work. I found a whole paycheck in my car door that I hadn’t cashed. God can’t answer all of our prayers but I know he does whats best for us. I was a very sad kid but now I’m 34 with 11 and 13 year old boys and I feel very blessed that I didn’t go through with killing myself when I was younger.
Please, don’t bother talking about faith and God to me..It won’t help.. I kept my faith and stayed steadfast in prayer for 8 months, asking for anything at all..just for God to show me He exists. Nothing at all, if He exists, He certainly chooses who to show Himself to..I choose to no longer believe He exists.
I have decided today, that I will be commiting suicide within the next week..I’ve just got to come up with a way to get ahold of my father’s gun now.. We do not speak, and the only way I can get into the house is if I sneak in when he is not home, but the only way in..is his truck. Which means, he is either working as a police, or sitting at home. (He has two jobs.) It won’t be easy, and I may have to search the house for bullets..but I’m ready to make the attempt.
i don’t believe you when you say you don’t believe He exists. belief is not something done by choice, it is something you are convinced of, and i am certain that everyone is convinced that God exists, though they may be in denial, such as yourself, which is seen when you say “i Choose not to believe”
seriously, you would kill yourself instead of just doing good things? tell me, would you kill yourself if you had 5 dollars? would you be So selfish that you wouldn’t even give the 5 dollars away to someone who needs it, you’d just kill yourself? i know that in your abilities you’ve got at least 5 bucks, and not just money, but good things, truly good things. if you could do something to make someone happy, would you be So selfish as to just kill yourself cause you’re not doing so well? comon, who is doing well? no one, because we’re all after making Ourselves well. if i love my 3 neighbors, and my 3 neighbors each love their 3 neighbors, then there is so much love and everything is held together strongly, but the world doesn’t work that way, and even when we realize it should, we just kill ourselves? no, fight for change, don’t quit. contact me please
Don’t believe me if I say I don’t believe He exists. You’ll believe what you want to believe anywho. I’ve pretty much become convinced God does not exist, whether you believe me or not. If I had 5 bucks to give away, which I do..I would give it to someone. There’s not much good in this world, even you know this. God even states it. This world is covered in darkness. Fight for change? I’ve done it my entire life..I can do nothing to change it. This world is spiralling downwards at a massive rate, there’s no hope for it. The only way I know to contact you is through here.
Love isn’t everything..Honestly, this may sound selfish, it may very well be selfish, but it’s how I feel…I don’t care one bit about what someone thinks of me. They don’t like me? Don’t like me, but don’t punish me/make fun of me/etc. for who I am. I am who I am.. I have really weird thoughts.. I hate this world so much, and wish I was somewhere else. I have one deep secret that I have never told anyone, and I may take it with me to the grave. That’s simply just one out of a million though.
K3T, you really aren’t helping. This whole starting a meaningless debate thing. You’re really bad at arguing.
Lianeh, regardless of the fact that religion is merely the passage of socially excepted delusions passed down through generations…
We all have deep secrets. Some are more socially acceptable than others but I know mine isn’t. If you’ve never told anyone, yours probably isn’t either. But that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Far from it. Then again, bad and good are matters of perspective so I can’t judge for you.
If you’d like to talk to me over email, I’ll give it to you. I don’t plan on being here much longer but hey, who knows right? i recently dropped half of my classes so I’m not so stressed out all the time so we’ll see. I can relate to the really weird thoughts thing. It comes with having a personality disorder and knowing that you permanently experience and perceive the world in a drastically different way than other people do.
Suicide is a choice and it’s yours to make. I won’t tell you not to do it because I don’t have that right and I don’t want it. Your life is yours.
makenziejackson123@yahoo.com. trust me i like you am very confused about christianity. my moms a buhdist ( did i spell that right? ) while my dad is christian . i guess im testing out both. if you email me i promise i’ll talk. i in some way can relate to you so if you want to email.
Hm…well…afterschool I went over to see if anyone was home at my father’s..unfortunately, my father was at home..So I could not pull it off today..and he’ll be off work this entire weekend, so I’m stuck until atleast Monday.
So, if anyone wants to talk, I have the time for now. Whether it’s here or over email, I might as well give my email…. xerinth@yahoo.com.
Bah…I feel like rushing into my father’s house and shooting myself before they know what’s going on.
Lianeh:
Okay, I believe you. You are capable of commiting suicide. So was my daughter, and she died. She sure told me off-and her mother, her twin sister, and everyone who loved her. The problem was, I didn’t have a clue she was suicidal-not one word. Let’s pretend for a moment that you are my son: First of all, son, I’m not perfect, either. My job shits on me constantly. I make stupid mistakes, both in and out of my family life. I have thought about suicide, too. Maybe the reason I didn’t was that I was too chickenshit, still am, and probably wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything you wanted to hear anyway. But let me try, just this once, to tell that I’m sorry I treated you like I have. You see, I have mental health issues, too, and have dumped them on you time and again. I am finally getting the right meds, but I know the damage I have done to you may never be repaired. However, I ask you just one favor-to try, really try to make a dream come true for yourself. Anything. Acting, writing, you write very well and your letter blew me away. You have talent, you have insight into a very dark world and you describe it well. Have you ever thought about writing a script about your life, your pain? You are halfway there with the letter you posted on this website. Movies about pain and reaching for some way out, a winning way out-those bring a tear of hope to my eye. Yet, I also cry for your feelings of hopelessnes, for I really do know those feelings, my son. You are my light and my hope and my joy. I would like for you to forgive me, but I rather see you forgive yourself-you have more talent in your little finger than I have in my whole body and none of the people who love you want to see it go to waste. One last thing-suicide is easy for the person who does it. What isn’t easy is going on in the face of such a loss and such pain; it takes strength to survive, or faith, or whatever lest we find ourselves following the same path. No promises on whether dreams come true, but we will never know for sure unless we try. I’ll always love you for trying your best.
Signed, A Dad
Sorry I haven’t replied yet..haven’t had a chance to get on the computer since Thursday.
First of all, I thank you very much, Joelscopeland, that was one of the most sincere things I’ve read, whether you meant it or not.
I can promise you, if you told this to someone else, it would probably save their life, or delay the suicide atleast. However, myself…The fact that I haven’t already comitted suicide is because of dreams, but I suppose I do not have a “realistic” dream. I enjoy nothing in this world, computer is the only thing I can use to forget.
I also would like to thank you about the fact that you said my writing blew you away. I have to say myself, that it wasn’t that great..but many people have told me I seem to act more mature than people my age do.
You are correct that it’s easy to commit suicide..I would fight through hell to survive if I had hope of something I suppose..hope of anything..but I do not.
I may not be comitting suicide for a while, due to being able to get into my father’s house..but nonetheless, I will try.
Hm..I might as well add this..The one thing I truly care about in this world is my cat. I’d die for her very easily, which I suppose isn’t saying much. Unfortunately, since I have moved in with my mother, I cannot see her unless I go to my father’s.. My mother is allergic to cat hair.
I plan to be hugging my cat when I end it, not a deathly hug ofcourse..I want her to live.
Hi Lianeh. I really like the way you write. Wish I could help you. You write like someone older than you are, I’m impressed. I have no right to interfere with what you do, but I think you are talented and many of your posts are beautiful. You know what is strange? I want to die myself, but I get really sad when I hear that you want to. As if I think it is OK for me, but not for others.
I hope you haven’t committed suicide yet , or at all for that matter . I feel for you , everything you’ve been through , I can’t say my life has been similar to yours , but all in all it has been fairly negative , like yours . I’m sorry that you’ve had to resort to fantasy to feel an escape from your current reality , we all have our methods , I remember anime used to be one for me when I was much younger , from around 11 to 13 , and around that time as well I was being heavily brainwashed by my grandparents and my mom to live under a christian faith , I remember being so tormented by any thoughts foreign to christianity , thinking that the devil was making its way in my life . i remember that i would look in the mirror and search my head to see if I’d find the mark of “the demon” -___- . I know it sounds ridiculous , but this is only partially what I’d had to go through during my preadolescence which I still considered the most fragile times of my life . i was awkward and depressing , i hardly had any friends , i was so weird that not even the ” emo ” kids liked me , and I remembered shortly after my christian phase like around late 13 to 14 I tried to find every excuse in psychological terms to explain my state of being . i wasn’t at peace with myself , everything was going wrong , you name it . i can’t tell you i’ve found the answer to my prayers but it took a lot of thinking , too much almost , to convince myself that i didn’t have a problem , i just went through too much of them . eventually i started communicating better with people at the start of my freshman year , i committed mistakes , i was still going through shit , but i found that everything i went through was necessary to come to terms with myself . i’m a sophomore now , and i still go through shit but i feel wiser and more discerning and confident than i ever did before , but that was because ive been through so much processes and shaping and moldings just to find myself . please don’t commit suicide , believe me i honestly know what it feels like to be stuck and feel like your choking , my family and i are still at odds , it doesn’t help when you feel all alone either , and you’re not the only one who lives because of your hopes and dreams . without it , we’d all be dead regardless of who we are , everyone needs motivation , and i understand that your dreams may not be realistic , but maybe because of your pain , you’ve been through so much that you’re scared to go beyond the thinking scope you’re in now and find something terrestial that works for you . i hope that you’ve read this and somehow i was able to help , even just in the miniscule amount .
Figured this post was forgotten about, I checked it for a few days, and then stopped checking it because it was too far behind..however..I am still alive.
Don’t go thinking I’m afraid now, if there was a gun in this house, I’d be gone in two minutes.
I’ve tried so many things to try to be happy in this world. It’s this world, and who I am. They do not mix for anything. I’m sure even if everything went my way in this world..I still wouldn’t be very happy. I’m a misfit for this world, and I could go on and on about it, bringing up example after example about it..but that is not needed.
Right now, the only thing realistic that would keep me alive right now, is if I was to stay alive simply to resist. Fight this world and everything terrible about it. Humans are masters of destruction, there will always be more bad people than there are good. All the good people are doing now is delaying the inevitable, causing suffering to go on longer than it needs to.
I’m sure I have mental illnesses. I know I have OCD, and by many people’s standards/tests, I have depression. I’m not sure if I truly have depression..I think I just hate this world, and hate what we’ve done to it.
I know I have massive potential.. I feel I would be wasting it by committing suicide, but..I can’t concentrate on anything long enough to do anything with my talents/potential. I have no desire to do anything in this world, besides be happy, which..obviously isn’t going to happen.
Ultimately, I am going to commit suicide. Not sure what else to say, besides something completely irrelevant, a lot of people know me as the most indecisive person on Earth..but one thing I can decide.. is I’m not happy here and will never be.
Also…I can tell that everything about me can no longer take it. Getting pushed in the hallway by accident, tripping, dropping something on my foot, getting made fun of, simply so they’ll have something to laugh at, or because I’m different; anything at all pisses me off now. My anger-meter is rising every second, I get more and more mad at everything, annoyance, rage…it’s all building up. I’ll either explode, and who knows what will happen.. or I’ll commit suicide and not have to deal with those things, and I won’t bring harm to anyone that drew the shortest straw.
I can’t deal with it anymore, and my body, grades, everything, is being affected by it. I barely made it through the day, and now I no longer can, they are destroying me.
THis is not addressed to anyone in particular, but there are other religions besides Christianity, so if that doesn’t convince you, why not read up on all the others and see wht appeals to you. you never know what you’ll come across, which might offer you so much peace.
sf09life@yahoo.com if you want to discuss
I’ve read up on a ton of religions, personally.. None appeal to me, and I’m afraid that I don’t feel a calling to any of them, nor do I believe any of them. Religion, I suppose, is not my thing..but ofcourse, what is?
Lianeh- What works for me is I form my own views/opinions. I tried finding what matched up with me and didn’t find any, so I just maintain my own beliefs and keep it to myself. That relationship is something between me and what I consider “God.”
Embargo, I form my own views and opinions as well, heh.. and I suppose I have a similar ‘belief’ in what I consider ‘God’, but, that’d be too confusing to go into, even for myself. I, also, keep it to myself, but..I tend to keep most things to myself.
Lianeh, Are you still here? I hope so. I just found this site today and I enjoyed your writings. I love that you love your cat. What is your cat’s name? I have a cat now named Gaia (said Guy-a). She is beautiful. And I used to have a cat named Buster that I absolutely adored. On my bad days, he would give me hugs. How old are you?
I hope to hear from you.
Yup, I’m still here… My cat has no name, I just call her cat and kitty…I’m 17 years old..and just to let everyone know..I just got out of the hospital..got sent there because I’m suicidal, meh..That place was a prison and helped me none.
Right now I’m trying to find a way I can live playing games all day long, and not having to work a job..I can’t deal with a job.
I’m sorry to hear that you went to the hospital and didn’t think it helped at all. I know it takes a lot of courage to go in there and try and get help. A lot of times (unfortunately) places aren’t aware of how to help or maybe you just don’t “click” with the doctors you are assigned.
I know a high school guy that tests video games for a job. Maybe that’s something you would be interested in? He gets paid to play!
Yep..The hospital didn’t help me whatsoever, it wasted my time..All it did was show my parents how much of a problem everything is..they understand a bit more now..but..not sure what to say.. No, video game testing is definitely not for me. Thanks though.