‘I sat down on a stone…’

‘I sat down on a stone,
and crossed my legs
and set my elbows on them;
I rested my chin and cheek in my hand.
Then I pondered very earnestly
how one ought to live one’s life on earth.
I could not find the solution’.
        – Walther von der Vogelweide.

Since the Medieval period, it was believed that to be melancholy, you had an illness. I find it remarkable that in the 800-or-so years since the theory of the four humours first developed, we haven’t much changed our perception of melancholia. To be melancholic or ‘depressed’ means that you have an illness. Commonly, this is treated by anti-depressants- a medication; thus highlighting how little our viewpoint has changed (although, admittedly we don’t get leeches sucking out the excess blood from our genitals anymore. Well, mostly anyway…).

But I have been thinking that perhaps it isn’t an illness at all; of course, depression comes in conjunction with other illnesses, but as a whole it is simply a state of mind. To say that to be depressed is to be ‘ill’ as it is ‘not normal’ is trying to define what ‘normal’ is. And what exactly is ‘normal’ anyway? By contrast to melancholy, ‘normal’ is people skipping round with beaming joy on their faces, safe in the knowledge that it will never matter if it is raining- happiness is all-pervasive. All-freaking-pervasive. And that’s ‘normal’? If anything, I would argue that this state of mind warrants more medication than melancholia, but that is just my opinion. I am sure those of you reading this will have many more.

And so in this short post, which is unlike my others, I would just like to conclude that the way you are feeling might be suppressed by medication, but it can never change the way that you truly feel. My anti-psychotics might reduce my behaivour for the period that I am on them, but what comes after? If I am going to completely alter my state of mind- my depression- I am changing who I am, naturally. I have decided that this is something that I do not want to do, for medicated happiness as opposed to unmedicated saddness, is still not preferable. At least I will still have control over my actions.

And this leads me to my final point… suicide. If you truly want to take your own life, I believe that no-one should stop you. I believe that it should be a long and considered process, but that in the end, it is your choice because your mind is as normal as anyone else’s- it just reaches different conclusions. Suicide is the most tragic of all actions- to engage with it means that you must be so terribly down, and although I have scheduled my death, I have no intention of dying right now and so cannot really claim to understand wholly people who are on the verge of committing suicide right now. But this does not mean I am going to try and stop them- honestly, everyone, it is ultimately your decision. If you feel that you will be happier in death than in life, then no-one should prevent you from attaining this happiness. Just make sure you think about it first- but you do not have an illness, what you have is realisation of how truly awful the world is and how any happiness in it is quickly overwhelmed by the rest.

Anna x