Every day I try to get up and do my best during the day. I go to work when there is work to go to, there I do what ever I can during the day to work my hardest. My life seems so worthless that the work place is the only place I can get some sort of feeling of complete in my life. I got nothing to turn to, When I come home from work I avoid everyone as much as possible because well they don’t care about anything but themselves and to see how much money they can leech from me.
Everything is so bleak for me, I used to enjoy going to work knowing that it would be rewarded with a paycheck. Now I can not even enjoy going to work, My home life is more about conflict and backstabbing each other then anything else. I have a non existent social life, Basically the friends that I did have abandoned me a few years ago when I was going through some medical problems.
The so called people that I think may be a friend, I don’t bother with getting close enough to. I keep my distance from everyone, bad relationships in the past and the scars they left behind don’t help things either for me. And now it seems every time I say something to a woman it’s automatically considered flirting, and then they no longer want to talk to me.
The other day at work, I actually began to wonder how painful my death would be if I was to get pulled into one of the machines that is at my work. I’ve been told religion could save me, it can’t nothing can really save me. At some point, I will probably end up back here again. Ever since I was around 14 I have thought that I would be dead by the age of thirty from one thing or another.
There have been plenty of times where I thought about how I would die, and even more times where I have thought about killing myself and ending it all on my own. I am not stupid enough to try and take someone else into the ground with me, it won’t happen. If I am going to kill it is just going to be myself and nobody else.
There is just too many problems going on my life, and not enough ways for me to deal with them. The only time my family wants to be around me is when they need money or when they need something else done. All I am to them is just a slave and a paycheck, nothing else nothing more.
At least if I do go through with this I don’t have to worry about being a better father then my father, he was a deadbeat. Right now it’s just another one of those things I am thinking about, why did he leave? was I not good enough? would I even be good enough to him now?
Right now there is a empty feeling inside me that I just can not fill, what ever it is… it just eats away at me little by little. One day it will finally consume me through my own actions unless I can beat it now. If it claims me, then there will be no loss amongst my family, well maybe they will miss the paycheck that used to come with me although it wasn’t much to begin with their greed always got the best of them.
I can’t ask them for help or ask them to understand because I know what they will do, they will just say as long as you bring home a paycheck and do what we ask of you then you will be happy and so will we. Ironically, that’s all they want from me. They keep pressuring me to settle down and have kids when I can not even get a date in the first place.
Even if I could why would I bring them around to the idiots that are my family? why? so they could put me down even more then they do now and throw me under the bus when ever they felt the need to do so in front of someone else?
Not to mention they barely care about me in the first place, last year one day at work I nearly lost my hand in one of the machines because my glove got snagged on something that was running through the conveyor belt. Lucky for me I was able to cut the part of my glove off that was snagged and free myself from it in time. All they had to say was well at least you worked 8 hours today.
I don’t ask for much from them to be honest, all I ask for from them is a little validation here and there. Maybe for them to care about me once in a while would be great also, I think that the last person who cared about me was a ex girlfriend of mine. Granted she refuses to even talk to me now, and when she does it is nothing but pure profanity and hate for me.
But at least when her and I was together for how brief it was, at least then I felt like I was appreciated and wanted around for more then just my paycheck. Although I have gotten a lot out of my system so to speak, I still have the thoughts and the feelings in me right now and probably will. Being free of this is not an option until things start getting better in my life, but it’s so hard for every little bit I try to do I get a wave of woe in return and pushed down even harder then before by life.
I figure people will probably be happy when I am gone from this world, so why should I make them wait any longer? Or should I find some reason to keep on going regardless of how pathetic and small it might be? All I want is for someone to be there and treat me like I am a human being when I need them like right now, but I guess that is too much to ask of people for me at least it is.
But I know one thing that is fact, is my looks don’t help things either. Right now I have nothing going for me other then work and I don’t even feel like getting out of bed now for that most of the time, I just kind of roll out of bed get prepared for the day and then just exist. No real emotions, I am kind of void of most of them by now. Even if I could feel happiness, why would I want to if I have no one to share it with? to who ever reads this, feel free to laugh at me or do what ever it doesn’t matter. I am sure someone will get their jollies on from this.