My mother took me out of school early today to go see a crisis counselor in some foreign area of town where it looks like everyone lives in constant fear of either being mugged, or molested, or both.
I walked into the counselors office and immediately felt like Alice must have when she fell down the rabbit hole; completely disoriented and completely idiotic.
“We have an appointment at 1:00”, my mother smiled kindly at the lady working at the reception desk.
The lady didn’t smile back, she just took down my information and told us that we could take a seat in the three chairs pushed up against a far wall.
I took that oppurtunity while we were sitting there waiting for one psychiatrist to come out of their office and take me back into the room which I’m sure smelled of pinesol (all the counselors and psychiatrists offices I’ve ever been in do), to take in my surroundings.
It was the smallest office I had ever seen, from outside it looked like the house I imagined Hansel and Gretel lived in, quaint and dainty with Christmas written all over the outside design.
The inside was even more sickening. The walls were a bleach white like they had been painted that color just to give someone a headache for staring at them too long.
“You have to at least try and put on a happy face, just a little one”, my mother shrugged, smiling meakly at me.
I rolled my eyes. My mother could be so stupid sometimes, she didn’t get that I was not happy, so I was not going to just out on a happy face so she could feel like I was improving. Besides, if I smiled it felt like I was giving myself a false hope that I was getting better, and I knew I wasn’t yet.
“Violet?” the counselor came out to get me, putting in a gleeful smile.
Great, I thought, someone else to tell me how happy I should be because my life is so much better then most peoples.
I didn’t look back at my mother who had her hand on my shoulder, but went into the room withmy head held high, just so the counselor-guy couldn’t see how indignant I was to even be here.
“Hello Violet, I’m…”
I stopped paying attention right then and there. When I came into the office the first thing I noticed was a giant glass door that led out to a grassy plain and a lake nearby, with elegant  geese running across the grass.
I went straight over to the window and looked out at the geese who were flapping their wings and running around like manaics, just happy to be wild and free.
I put my hand on the glass, feeling utterly lonely. I wanted to be a goose, to be carefree and happy was all I had ever wanted. I wanted the mother goose with all her little ducklings to take me in as one of her own, even if I had to be the ugly duckling, I didn’t care.
“Violet?” a felt a warm hand on my shoulder.\
I flinched away.
The psychiatrist stepped back, “Well, I can see I’m going t0 have my work cut out for me here”, he said as if i were some experimental invention he was planning on fixing and entering in a science fair.
I kept my eyes narrowed to the floor, my arms wrapped tightly around my chest. Couldn’t he see that I didn’t want him to work with me, I didn’t want him to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, I just wanted someone to listen to me, to treat me like I really mattered and that I wasn’t just asking for dumb attention, because that’s not what all this was.
Maybe I would talk more now with the psychiatrist, if only I could remember his name.
4 comments
I hope you find a good psychiatrist and/or therapist! It can really help if you find one you can work with. It’s tough when you so young b/c everyone else is controlling your life…I don’t envy that age at all…it was the worst time of my entire life…by far…by FAR!!!
I agree with what No-one said above. If you find a good therapist that you feel comfortable around and works well, you’ll be able to open up and perhaps not feel as down. If you don’t wish to speak to a therapist, that’s understandable – you could talk to a friend instead. Either way, there’s always someone that will listen to you – all you have to do is find that person.
For example, whenever I see someone around who looks distressed, I stop to help. Even if they push me away, I still try to help down the track. I’m know for a fact that I’m not the only person in existence that does this.
Just don’t give up hope..
Nurse, would you show Violet the way out to see the geese.
Go. Yes, Violet, it’s fun out there. It’s relaxing sometimes for me to see them play too.
Go enjoy a few minutes while I first talk to your mom.
Your daughter is a bit skinny. I’ll give her a few vitamins supplement, like B complex to increase her energy level of her blood. And…..
Of communication tactics, parent always think their child stay being a child. They grow up too. So parents have to become mature also along the way. She has already processed to an age of mutuality required, not anymore the child expecting single wayed parenting. You have to shift attention and ready to accept the increasing inflow ideas from her,
and let her be comfortable to come back home, to the fortress she can feel secure and have all her emotional problems laying out and be answered. Parent may not be well equipped to solve all the questions evolved, but the least is to let the child be assured that their parent is always by their side.
Violet, how about bringing in your mom onto the table. And let us talk to her. It would be fun !
Hello Violet. I dont know if you have noticed, but your writing is that of a professional author. You described things as in the best books I have read. You have a natural story telling ability to describe the scenario in such a tangible way that I was diving into your story, feeling exactly as if I were in that building. I m not saying this so as to help because I dont know the nature of the issue that is affecting you, but the writing is truly very good.
Get back to that shrink and read him out this writing of yours. He is going to sympathize with you. My gut feeling is that you are so smart, that nobody can fix things trying to outsmart you. The only way, is a truly genuine care, and possibly a knowledge and experience in the field.
I, and others can do the care side, and the shrink can do the knowledge and experience.
In the meantime, if you could continue writing about yourself, aside from learning about you, I would enjoy your writing.
best hugs
Al