i’m not mad at the world, although anger does, at times, distract me from the pain and emptiness i carry inside…i’m no more misunderstood than most people feel…i’ve survived things most people couldn’t imagine, but i’ve known people who have had it worse…i’ve had cancer 3 times, spent 7 years homeless in a wheelchair, had 32 surgeries and made it theough 14 months of chemo, and can now walk, i work taking care of people who would otherwise end up in nursing homes, i’ve been cancer free for 6 years now…i was on my own at 11 years old, in a city where i had never been and in a state where i had no family or friends…i made it out alive..at one time there were 16 of us “throwaways” all under the age of 14…..3 of us lived to be 18, only 3 of us…i was kidnapped and tortured for 13 days by a serial killer…and i survived…i loved the same man for 23 years, still do, but 2 years ago he had a stroke and was brain dead and i had to respect his wishes and take him off life support….and i’m tired of being where he isn’t, i’m tired of seeing so many people hurt or hurting others…i’m tired of life….i’m not weak, and i don’t want to cause anyone else pain, so i’ve tried to prepare them, i’ve tried to distance myself from them….i’ve tried meds, i’ve tried talking , i’ve tried reaching out, i’ve tried everything i can think of….i’ve done all i can to ease any pain i may cause when i decide i’m done…and that day IS almost here….does anyone have any advice for ways i can make it easier for the ones i leave behind?
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Someone as extraordinary as you doing away with herself? You would have to be built a Monument.
I bet you can be tired, anybody else would have been dead 20 times. But you dont need to be a heroe. Why dont you just try nothing and rest, walk around and do the things that bring you pleasure. You are in mind fitter than anybody. You have the ability to enjoy life, even little things.
Your story is a mistery, and worth to write a 1000 pages book. Please, can you start writing that book?
Apart from that, could you name wishes of things that would bring you joy?
hugs
Al
What I’m doing is having fun with them, while dropping hints of just how bad my pain is here and there. That way they should have somewhat fresh memories of what my reasoning is for leaving so it doesn’t come as a complete surprise, and somewhat good memories. At the same time I don’t just come right out and say what my plans are because I know that they would try to interfere. Some people are just pretending to be suicidal for attention and their main goal is for others to save them, perhaps on a subconscious level, so that they get to live and enjoy this, in their eyes, endlessly wondrous world. Not so with me. One thing I’ve learned and that I’m going to include in my letters to everyone is this: That life is good and should be lived is an assumption. An assumption that probably stems from enjoyment of life from the assumer combined with the base animal instinct to procreate and survive at all costs. For me somewhere down the line I had that instinct and assumption totally devalued and uprooted. I am in constant pain, physical and emotional. I’m no longer even worried about going to Hell, which is a possibility to be sure, as I’ve realized that Hell isn’t much different than what my experience on life has been anyways so what difference would it make.
Basically that is how my letter to everyone is going to be. I hope that helps them because it’s all I can really do. If I could buy everyone a bright yellow lamborginis and park them in their driveways then night that I decide to go then I would do that to help ease their pain, but looks like a letter will have to do instead.
@Haunts all says: It is a pity because you are a really great intelligent man and clearly have values.
As per telling people how to do away with themselves. Let me tell you guys that a few days ago, a girl was asking how to calculate doses etc. She did not get a proper reply and she tried it herself. Luckily she failed, and she was taken to hospital and was saved. Now she is back and says she is Ok. If anybody of you had given her the right directions, she would have been dead by now. Precisely I know everything about medicines, drugs and poissons. because I am pharmacist, but would never say how. I hope this serves to realise how seriously and sensitively all postings should be treated. There was another guy telling a 14 year child who was desperate to walk through the highway. How do you like that?
For Gods sake. If someone does not have something nice to say. Say nothing!
justalvaro – you are lying. Only girl who was asking for how much she has to take was Anna, and she didn’t reply after that, so how do you know she failed? Or is it just your imagination? Was it someone else who you talking about or do you know her personally?
2 Haunts all: You too believe the Hell can’t be much worse than this world? Well, it really can’t but I believe hell didn’t exist so we are fine.
read the postings. There is she telling me the full story after returning from hospital after her mistrial. Period
Can you give me a direct link here?
You asked, “Does anyone have any advice for ways i can make it easier for the ones i leave behind?”
No. That is not possible.
Think from your own perspective if you think there is. What would make YOU feel better about a close family member or loved one committing suicide?
Haunts All’s logic of “having fun” will be a cruel joke to those on the receiving end when they realize that they missed some, if not all, of the clues and are racked with guilt for not recognizing and preventing the suicide.
Clearly, you have tough decisions to make.
Good luck.
This seems like entering a large argument.
Basically, all you can do is choose. Choose to live, choose to die. It’s up to you. But before you become a little too trigger-happy, consider all your loved ones, and how they’ll be hurt. If you just can’t see any reason to keep living, even after understanding what pain will be caused, then I’m guessing you really want to die.
As for making the pain easier… be as gentle as you can. Explain the past, exactly why you just can’t stand to live anymore.
If you want to, tell them that you’re finally at peace, that you can finally rest, no matter where you’ll end up. That you have nothing left to give, and no means by which to keep going.
That’s really all you can do. If they love you, they will find a way to accept it, and to realize that it was your choice, not their fault. They’ll find a way to let go of their grief, and keep you–a happy, smiling you– in their hearts.
Good luck with your decision.