Hi. This story is so long I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just go with it.
The first time I thought of wanting to die was back in December of ’91. I was lying there in bed with my girlfriend, & it just came over me that it would never get any better. (We broke up soon after this.) Blah blah blah, circumstances caused me to become really depressed & it was sustained for the next couple of years.
Fast forward to August of ’94. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after getting hit hard with it for a few months. As soon as I sat down on my bed after getting back from the hospital, I decided that my suicidal thoughts finally had something real to back them up & it was now only a matter of time. I made feeble attempts to carry on with life, going to college part time for a few years & having a girlfriend here & there. But I finally decided to give up on school & didn’t worry about getting a good job that IÂ loathe but paid well. (Like now.)
Anyway, the only reason I didn’t do it yet is because I decided it wasn’t bad enough to. Although I have MS, it’s not so bad since the first couple years I had it. I’ve been taking the medicine, although not nearly as often as I should be, which is a shot in the leg every week. The thing here is, since I decided it was only a matter of time until suicide I haven’t worried about doing anything to set my life up. While most maybe worry about having a house, or a wife or something like that, & work towards aquiring those things, I have been running away from them. Of late, when I KNOW for a fact that a woman is interested in me, I chase them away by ignoring them. I believe I am doing them a favor by not letting them get mixed up in my world. Everyone knows me as semi-attractive (my opinion) & funny, but I’ve become a master at putting a front up.
In summary, the last almost 16 years I have been waiting for things to be bad enough to actually do it. I turn 40 this year, am single, have no real career skills or money in the bank, & am diseased. This is what I have been planning for over a decade, making my life miserable enough to want really bad to do it. I have done a great job at that. There is NOTHING in life that makes me happy. I have a great family (parents, sisters) & great friends, but that doesn’t help my personal life. I feel completely miserable ALL of the time, for a LONG time, & I really can’t take it anymore. I am so close to freaking out on someone, I know it.
The only thing left for me to do is buy the shotgun, which I think about every day. Death is on my mind ALL of the time, even while I’m conducting business at work. I can’t sleep at night, I curse myself & beg myself to blow my brains out, listing the reasons why I should do it over & over. I feel that there is really NO reason for me to wait anymore.
Thank you for ‘listening.’ I Googled “suicide stories” & came up with this site. I guess it is therapeutic, but it doesn’t change anything…
3 comments
My mom has MS, oddly, she got it really late in life, her fifties. She is doing really well with it.
I hear what you are saying. I can’t say that I support your decision, but authentic and sincere always gets to me.
I hope for you all of the best, whatever your decision.
i know its your life and you can decide to do whatever you want with it, but i might be selfish but i dont want to know i let go of your life. i want you to survive through this. you dont need those things in life to be happy. there’s many stuff that can make you happy. it could be by making someone else happy, like adopting a child, traveling, getting into poetry, anything you want. there’s many children around the world who get abandoned, millions in asia… one of them or even more can be happy in your arms. you can also not run away from those things and give yourself another try, but please don’t give up on your life. don’t do it because you can at least know a stranger here cares for you. many do. dont let depression kill you, overcome it. i know its hard, but i dont want you to go, not like this. however, please consider my cry for your life. i am only 15 years old, but i still care. 🙂
z, I thank you for your understanding.
hope, please don’t take other’s problems on as your own. I thank you very much for what you took the time to write & it does touch me. One of my problems is thinking what would be best for others & not considering what would be good for me. I have always felt, even way back before I knew I was depressed, that I was not meant to get old. It’s not for me. I have always felt cheated in that I didn’t get a brain aneurysm & just die instead of getting MS. This started before you were born, can you imagine that? Longer than you have been on this earth I have felt this way.
I am in no shape to take care of someone, nor can I afford it. I’ve traveled much in my life, but I can’t run from what’s inside me. Where I go, it goes. I suck at writing, especially poetry. This is a skill I’ve always been told I was good at, but I’ve l’ve lost it.
I know it’s not right to feel this way.I have tried to get help in the past, but nothing’s really worked (obviously). The only way I can feel happy is to feed of someone else & that will just not work. That doesn’t heal the pain, it only numbs it for a little bit. I could go on & on.
Thank you for your replys…