Hi. This story is so long I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just go with it.
The first time I thought of wanting to die was back in December of ’91. I was lying there in bed with my girlfriend, & it just came over me that it would never get any better. (We broke up soon after this.) Blah blah blah, circumstances caused me to become really depressed & it was sustained for the next couple of years.
Fast forward to August of ’94. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after getting hit hard with it for a few months. As soon as I sat down on my bed after getting back from the hospital, I decided that my suicidal thoughts finally had something real to back them up & it was now only a matter of time. I made feeble attempts to carry on with life, going to college part time for a few years & having a girlfriend here & there. But I finally decided to give up on school & didn’t worry about getting a good job that IÂ loathe but paid well. (Like now.)
Anyway, the only reason I didn’t do it yet is because I decided it wasn’t bad enough to. Although I have MS, it’s not so bad since the first couple years I had it. I’ve been taking the medicine, although not nearly as often as I should be, which is a shot in the leg every week. The thing here is, since I decided it was only a matter of time until suicide I haven’t worried about doing anything to set my life up. While most maybe worry about having a house, or a wife or something like that, & work towards aquiring those things, I have been running away from them. Of late, when I KNOW for a fact that a woman is interested in me, I chase them away by ignoring them. I believe I am doing them a favor by not letting them get mixed up in my world. Everyone knows me as semi-attractive (my opinion) & funny, but I’ve become a master at putting a front up.
In summary, the last almost 16 years I have been waiting for things to be bad enough to actually do it. I turn 40 this year, am single, have no real career skills or money in the bank, & am diseased. This is what I have been planning for over a decade, making my life miserable enough to want really bad to do it. I have done a great job at that. There is NOTHING in life that makes me happy. I have a great family (parents, sisters) & great friends, but that doesn’t help my personal life. I feel completely miserable ALL of the time, for a LONG time, & I really can’t take it anymore. I am so close to freaking out on someone, I know it.
The only thing left for me to do is buy the shotgun, which I think about every day. Death is on my mind ALL of the time, even while I’m conducting business at work. I can’t sleep at night, I curse myself & beg myself to blow my brains out, listing the reasons why I should do it over & over. I feel that there is really NO reason for me to wait anymore.
Thank you for ‘listening.’ I Googled “suicide stories” & came up with this site. I guess it is therapeutic, but it doesn’t change anything…