I keep focusing on the past. It’s been 3 years since he raped me… at school. And 3 years since my whole school started calling me a slut. I started believing them. That boy, my “friend,” was the first one I had ever had any sexual relations with. A freshman in high school, I made a name for myself really fast. I was forced to suck his dick before I even had my first kiss.
I believed it after a while. My mom calling me a “FUCKING SLUT!” and the jokes, “Watch out for the volcano; she blows!” A year later, I gave my neighbor head. He had a girlfriend, and I refused to kiss him. And then I gave him head on about 4 other occasions. Then I hooked up with one of his friends. And then another one of my friends. I never kissed any of them, and I didnt enjoy it either. I had given head to 7 guys, and I hated all of them.
The first time was preventable, but all of the others weren’t. I have never been loved, and it made me feel wanted. I liked when guys thought I was hot.
I was burning and cutting myself. November of this year was when I first started considering suicide.
November 2nd, I took 12 ibuprofen. I didn’t have the guts to take more, I just was silently praying something would happen, someone would notice I needed help.
I was in the popular group at school, everyone knows who I am. They think I’m so happy. One day at lunch, my sleeve got pulled back and my best friend saw the cuts on the side of my wrist, “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?!” everyone wanted to see. I told them I just got my period and rushed to the bathroom. I cried.
After school that day, my best friend called my dad. I went to see my therapist. I had went to her for a while because of the rape, but I didnt trust her. She only knew about the rape, I told her nothing about me being a slut with other guys, the guys I did things for, but I never let them touch me. They didn’t even act like it was weird.
I somehow got out of therapy. I started abusing more pills, taking them to get high, drinking, and not sleeping at all. I stopped eating at lunch, and quickly lost a lot of weight.
All I think about right now is ending it. I’m paranoid. And I don’t know how much more I can screw up. Everyday suicide has been crossing my mind. And it scares me, I really do want to feel cared about. I’m only 17 and I have so much more to do, but I don’t know if I want to.
4 comments
hello, i am familiar with this kind of situations, some of my friends are going through things like this. i see them cry with fear and ask me for help. they tell me to get in their shoes.. what would i do?… of course i wouldn’t know a real answer because im not actually going through that, but i understand. i don’t view them as whores or sluts, they know that. but the rest of the people do, im their friend and my job is to support them and not leave them alone in this. i can be your friend too and not judge you. and i know that a lot of the times this happens because girls are seeking for love and attention, but do it in a wrong way that can mess with their lives. however, you are not a bad person, people go through mistakes in life and learn from them.. who knows i might be next. but what i tell them is that no matter what they (YOU) ever do or what ever happens to them (you) do NOT let anyone make you feel disgusting or like a slut… they are no one to control your life. if you are still going through this… break up with your bf… he and the other guys are NOT worth to treat you like that. who ever you are on the other side of the screen, you ARE a BEAUTIFUL person and dont let no one choose you, don’t let no one step on you. if ppl decide to be messy and ignorant and talk about you or to you and treat you as if you were an animal… IGNORE them… or tell them to “fuck off and live your own fucking life” THEY ARE NO ONE TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. you dont need people like that in your life. they are NOBODY. and yes, you are young, start out new, and forget about the horrible past, try to be happy. and do it for yourself. i know its hard but i believe in you. you deserve a guy who will always treat you right and will stand up for you. and like i said… nothing and no one will ever be worth your pain/death. (this is somthing my sisters tell me when i ask them for help… actually when they notice i need help.. do it>> ” close your eyes, imagine yourself being happy, with the people you love and love you back, you have no more pain, nothing to worry about, no more tears, no more suicidal thoughts, a smile comes withing your face every single day without forcing it, you are beautiful.” that can and will be you, to get there… you MUST get in control of your whole life… control who you are, forget about the people who hurt. i believe in you and i know you can get there. to that beautiful moment u imagined… it CAN be YOUR future. (: i hope this helped, it came from everything that i could think of to help you, because i care. 🙂
First of all, i don’t think that the acts you are doing are because you are a “slut” — you have lost your self worth. i am sure that the rape was devastating and has a lot to do with it. but, your mother’s comments had to cut like a knife.
i have had a lot of strange things happen in my life, more than one sexual molestation and by different men, relatives, family friends — i thought for years that there has to be something wrong with me. what is wrong with me that these people feel it’s okay to do things to me or why is it that all of them feel this way about me.
realize one thing, the world is full of many sexual deviants……… the guys that are acting like what you are doing is okay and normal — they have the problem….not you. you are looking for love but, in the same respect, you don’t feel that you are worthy of it.
realize that you are a good person…….. gain your self respect back, you deserve better than what you are getting. stop trying to hurt yourself both emotionally and physically. it’s hard to gain back what you have lost but, it’s not impossible. you can do this…….. pray for strength!!
oh — and as for the people around you and what they “think” or say to you — remember, your world can expand the older you get. you might be stuck where you are right now, but, there is always a chance for a fresh start around the corner………. a new group of people to meet that don’t know any of your negative past…….
I also hear you. For people who were abused sexually, it is a very rough road to go down after the event if you do not get help. One thing leads to another and before you know it you try to convince yourself you want to do those things or that you deserve to be treated like that. My therapist told me that it is called abreaction.
You are not doing these things because you are a bad person. You are doing them because there is too much pain deep inside of you and it needs to come out. There is no other choice. One way or the other, the pain will come out.
Try to see if you can see a professional counselor or someone to talk to who deals with PTSD and truama issues. They can really help you see the truth that is hidden right now. You CAN make it through this. It will not be easy – but you already know that. Just don’t give up on yourself.
ljr, I’m 37 yrs old, and I’ve been molested and sexually abused since I can remember, I have this vision of my father and my uncle doing things to me even when I was in diapers, which continued with my father until after my mama died, (I was 35), I cannot even repeat what he did and put me through, but I had nowhere to go after mama died, cause I had lived with them for yrs, and took care of her. I used to have to keep my ex boyfriend there with me to keep him away from me…he was black and my daddy was racist, but he (my ex) walked up to my window right on time and caught him slithered in my bed and forcing my legs apart. I had a knife ready, thank God he showed up when he did. He never doubted me. But daddy yelled we entrapped him, and I was his daughter, then he ran into his room, he had a gun ( and the baseball bat, and firepoker). I ran and unlocked the door and my friend went to his locked bedroom door, and told him to come out and fuck with him, daddy was yelling “I’m gonna blow your brain off”! Finally, I had proof… but, of course my friend wasn’t a very credible witness (he’s in prison now). My aunt’s and my sister never believed me. Then I have another older man friend, that knew my daddy from back in the day, they never liked each other. We came to the house to get some of my things, and my friend said he was gonna take him to hell, and my daddy just started confessing, said he knew what he was doing, that he was not fucked up, he remembered everything. He apologized and said he’d spend the rest of his life making it up to me. Of course, he let the house go, I had nowhere to go, until a friend got an apt just so I’d have somewhere safe to go. Anyway, my daddy never has had a chance to put his hands on me again, or talk pervertedly to me, but for some reason, he found out where I lived, and he started telling more lies on me. Before he would call whoever would listen and do damage control, just in case I told, he said he didn’t know why I would make up such lies on him, that I was mentally disabled, and on drugs. He even called my sister and pretended I was at his apt, but yet he couldn’t put me on the phone, he called my sister and the police, and his family and told them I stole his pistol, his “spam” (yes, spam), canned goods to keep me and my boyfriend up, and that I through his beagle in the dumpster!!!! The police went to my sister’s house and told her to call me and tell me they were coming….they knew something was wrong with him, and said maybe we needed to get him some help (he was taking a lot of methadone, and whatever else). I told them he’d violated me and they asked did I wanna press charges, I said I just wanted him to leave me alone. He wasn’t even supposed to know where I lived. Anyway, that was over a yr ago, I know where he lives now, and he actually called the police and cleared that up, but still, he just told them he found it… I’d never even been to his apt before that time. I know I’ve made this into a long story, I just wanna know why he’s always trying to hurt me, he still tells lies on me. He helps my sister and her boyfriend with money, etc. but he wouldn’t give me something to eat if I was starving. We talk on the phone occasionally, he’s always telling me he has no food or money, so I’ll take a few groceries over there, and he has more than me, and women over there, he’s paying for, buying them drugs, whatever. I’m pretty much destitute, I depend upon the kindness of exboyfriends and EBT. I’m estranged from both sides of my families, because of molesting uncles, and a cousin. Friends of the family, the butcher where my daddy worked when I was young, They left me and my sister there, he let her play with his other 3 daughters… while he molested me, then when my parents got back, he said I wanted to stay and go to church with them in the morning, they showed up just in time, cause he was gonna make me take my clothes off, so he could give me a bath. Well, I never told, I just cried…but later on he went to prison for raping his oldest daughter. I don’t understand why I’m the one that is preyed upon. Then when I didn’t wanna go around for Christmas,etc…my mama would ask me why and I’d cry, then they brought one uncle over and he sat right in front of me and I was supposed to tell him what he did to me, all I could do was cry, my mama told me he could sue me for slander, I was 12. I never lie, but I actually believe both sides of my families think I make up stories on anybody. I know what they all did to me. And one day the truth will come out, Judgement Day, that’s what used to keep me going. Now, at 37, I’m just a scared fucked up little girl. I have no one, I’m always scared, I’m tired of feeling this way. Why do they reverse psychology their evil on me? Why have I always been picked on? I’m supposed to be beautiful and you’d think I’d be in a halfway decent relationship… but the love of my life came after me several months ago, he crushed one side of my jaw, and fractured the other. I lost 4 teeth. Now I have metal plates and screws in my face. He’s the one in prison, he said he couldn’t have what he wanted to be happy. I found out that was me. He wanted to get married and settle down and have a family. But I couldn’t be around his lifestyle… again, I deserve a better safer life. I just don’t know when that’ll ever happen, or if it ever will. I’ve been raped, exploited, molested and now I’m really all alone. I can’t do this by myself.