I don’t have friends.
I used to think that I was weird or something because no one wanted anything to do with me when I was a kid, they would come up to say hi and everything and try to be friendly, but I was always too secluded and shy to say anything back, so they would back off, and sooner or later try again, and fail to still get me to talk.
Now people don’t even try to talk to me.
People call me the quiet girl, but I’m far from it. I love to talk to people one on one, if its just me and someone else I’m fine, but I hate parties, I won’t talk at them at all, so I don’t go too any.
People call me the self-absorbed *****, but really it’s not my fault that I just like to model. It’s not like a flaunt my good looks and wave them around in other girls faces like im all that, because I don’t. I don’t talk about my modeling stuff, I don’t talk about the fact that I’ve been told by random strangers that I’m very pretty, and I don’t talk about how I’ve been in commercials on television. I don’t talk about these things, because it would be like saying “I’m better than you” even if I never say anything close to it, people here what they want too here.
People call me a liar, but really they wouldn’t believe if I told them I’m a sophomore, even though they know I am. People think I lie about everything, the modeling, the cheerleading, the fact that I’ve published a book. As I’ve said before, IT IS NOT MY FAULT. If I see an opportunity to do something enjoyable, like modeling or cheerleading, then I’m going to take that chance, whether you believe me or not I couldn’t give a damn about. I can only give people so much proof, but i can’t ever change their minds. People are stubborn that way, and once they’ve made up their minds that someone is a certain way, even if they don’t know them, then there’s no use in trying to change that.
People call me a poser, because when you try to kill yourself, word gets around. “You apparently have everything. You’re a model, a cheerleader, a published author, a talented singer, and good guitar and piano player, how the hell can you be depressed?” Well, just because I’m good at certain things means I must be faking being depressed, right? WRONG. I don’t know why I’m depressed, but if they knew, if they took the time to actually want to sit and talk with me like a real human being, I bet you anything they could figure it out for themselves.
People judge me all the time, and I can’t change that. But to be honest, I don’t want friends. Friends can let you down, they can pretend to care about you, and then throw that in your face because you believed in them, you let your guard down. And people will do that because they can, because they can mess around with your mind all they want too, and it will be all your fault for letting them in.
The truth of the matter is, I don’t want friends, because I’m perfectly content with being alone.
12 comments
You really published a book??? I don’t know what to say but I can kind of relate to why you feel this way yet have a lot going for you, I don’t have a lot going for me but I’ve never suffered like you’d expect a suicidal person too (I’m about to post my reason) but you have dealt with a lot. I don’t have ‘real’ friends, I just know two people who sometimes hang out with my brother… like you said though friends let you down.
exactly. I believe having friends is a complete waste of time, Im not even going to remember them when Im older because I guarantee I am going to lose my high school year book.
Yeah, I published a book called Staying Silent, its under my pen name Rowen Bay, which is why ppl dont believe its me. But u have to use a pen name if u are under eighteen, just for liablility issues i guess, and a pic of me is on the back, so if anyone has ever seen me, and they saw my picture on the back of that book, then they would know it really is me.
Anyways, it doesnt really matter, I just cant stand ppl, Like i said, I can talk to someone one on one, if they seem friendly and there not too mean or anything, but I just hate that i know that ppl could be just pretending to care when they really dont. Thats the only thing im afraid of. I just dont trust ppl, never have. if i can learn to trust ppl, especially men, maybe i could learn to be a happier person
i know how you feel. I am the same way. I could have been a model but i am a talented dancer and writer, i have also been published. People fuck other people over constantly. I honestly try not to. I am a good friend, but no one would believe that since everyone always has there own opinions even if it is unfounded or out of jealousy. People have constantly let me down, i am too nice to people and i don’t know any other way. I want to be alone but other people won’t leave me alone. Trusting men for me is also a hard thing, if you let them in they only hurt you in the worst way. Just know that you are not alone in the way you feel, i have been there so many times. Maybe some day you will find someone who is a good friend and someone who is not a waste of time. But honestly your a sophmore, things do change as you get older. Just don’t give up hope just yet. This is probably hypocritical of me to say, but keep trying. I may have lost hope but i don’t want you to.
@rebelmoonwitch
Thank you so much for your amazing comment! Ur absolutely right, people f@#$ (I swore to myself I would not use that word on here, which is gettign to be a challenge actually) other people over constantly. I have been to counseling to help with my lack of trust in people and in men especially, but im just not getting anywhere with it. I dont know where else to go for help, i want to be in a loving relationship with a guy, but I doubt I can
Your totally welcome. I personally have never believed in counseling, i believe in helping yourself, you are the only person who can change your own mind. Loving and good relationships are hard to find especially when your young. But there is always hope out there. I’m sure being a model you have encountered many guys out there, but something i was always told growing up is don’t settle, so please don’t! There will be someone out there who is worth the wait. I don’t know if you want it but i am always here to help, if you want it. Also things that help too are writing, and time. Find things to fill your time, i always tell my friends, things come when your not looking for them, thats just how life is. If people are meant to be in your life they will be. Just keep going, things get better.
…I feel the same… almost… sometimes I see arrows pointing to knives and suicide websites… only to find out they are imaginary. I don’t know why they are there.. I don’t want to kill myself… but i might die. soon
@Inserves_2miss
Don’t give up just yet, I know its hard, trust me, but like many other people say, things will get better. Maybe not now, maybe not even in the next coulple of years, but someday. Things cant be bad forever, they just have to get better sometimes. I’ve been contemplating this a lot lately, “what if i kill myself now, I’ll never know if I turned out okay in the end”. I think i want to at least how things turn out in the end, then if i dont like how I end up, then I can end it, but for now I just want try and get through the depression and everything else thats wrong. I’ve now hit rock bottom, so theres nowhere to go but up 🙂
Every time I read stories like these, I am always amazed at how many shades of gray there are in the world. To be honest, I haven’t met a girl who was a quiet successful (yet), so reading these words are like meeting new people. It makes me smile :).
Sure, I might disagree with the core values of this post and some of the comments, but that just reminds me of the different ways people live, and how there isn’t one right way to approach life. Personally, my friends act the opposite of what is potentially described above, but again, each life has its own circumstances. All the while reminding me what a varied life I have landed myself in ^^.
Hey I totally understand where you are coming from. I’m a cheerleader and everyone thinks I’m stuck up when I hardly talk to anyone. I have no friends at school and people judge me left to right. I am depressed. I know what it’s like to be hurt like that.
@CheerChickMM: Thanks for understanding. I’ve been doing cheer for three years now and I just quit because of a terrible knee injury and I can never cheer again, which made me even more depressed actually.
Don’t let people judge you just because you do something! People think im stuck up and bitchy because I have money. Well, what they don’t know is I have to work my ass off to get that money. Contrary to what people think, modeling and writing books is hard work.
It’s the same with cheerleading! People think we are all the same, but what they don’t know is that it takes so much support, effort, strength, stamina, spirit, and leadership to be a good cheerleader.
I guess the point I was trying to make with this point and this comment is that PEOPLE DON’T KNOW. They judge because they don’t know someone, and they never take the oppurtunity to get to know them because they’ve already made up their minds that that person is bad or stuck up or a liar, and most likely, the persons not even like that. I cant tell you how many timea I thought a person was a certain way until i starrted talking to them and I realized they were completely different!!
Sweetheart, dont let people get you down just because their jealous that you can shake those pom poms and they could never pull it off!! haha! 🙂
Sincerely,
Violet Blake 🙂
i came across this post in a moment of darkness. I can identify whith what’s been written. im a grown man now, but as an attrative kid, i got a lot of attention i didnt want. When bullys want your attention you have to learn t defend yourself. Sad thing is, having to be defensive makes you aggressive aswell. Making things worse, i had a severe head injury when i was 5 and was in a coma for 6 days. I fully recovered, but i just dont feel the same as everyone else, and people can tell im a bit messed up. Anyway, i did quite well in school, just have problems with conversational speech, needless to say im far from witty, but i got 1200 on the SAT and went to a State University. I have never been able to make friends because of the verbal communication problem. Men hate me right off the bat cause im good looking and they get real insecure and intimidated when im around. I get along just fine with women, im a good guy qnd i care for them. But eventually they also can tell im not quite right in the head and they loose interest. If i had money maby they would stick around but thats not the case. So i drift through life, i do well at my job, but still cant make friends, and it hurts when i loose my girls. And still i keep attracting the attention of these horrible people and i have to defend myself or runaway. Now, society sees me as dangerous cause i am outside the norm. No one trusts someone who has no friends. when i feel like i scare people away, i think, well if i scare you maby it would be better if i killed myself…. but i cant do it to my parents. they worked too hard to get me this far and i cannot give up. So it hurts..everyday. I just wish ii could change things…time will tell i guess, or maby i can find a girl to take me for what i am. maby that would validate me, and allow me to be part of the social world. thanks for giving me a place to try to explain.
Sorry for they typos- and just wanted to say; there are good guys out there. thing is- sometimes we just aren’t good enough.