I went to visit Alyson today, like always do on Tuesdays.
Her mother answered the door, just like she always does when I knock on the door.
“It’s so nice to see you Violet, I bet Alyson will be delighted to see you”, her mother smiled at me, the same smile she ways gave me.Â
 It annoys me, that smile the whole family seems to have painted on their faces, even Alyson. No one can be happy to have their child dying, no one can be happy that they’re dying of cancer, but still I see those smiles on their faces every time I visit, and I kind of envy them for being able to at least fake it.
I don’t even have to ask if Alyson is upstairs because she hasn’t left her bed in two months, so I trudge up the stairs to go visit my best friend.
“Alyson?” I whisper into the peeking shadow of her bedroom. I don’t know if she’s sleeping so I always whisper first just in case she is.
“I’m awake, Violet”, Alyson croaks.
I catch my breath, letting myself into the room and shutting the door quietly behind me.
“How was school?” Alyson laughs.
I give her a wince, “How do you think?”
Alyson laughs, “That great, huh?”
I chuckle, sitting down in my favorite chair, the one with the comfy seat and squishy arms that has rubber ducks on the back of it.
“How have you been?” Alyson asks me.
Even though I know she’s referring too my depression and my suicidal tendencies I don’t want to answer her truthfully, she thinks too much of me to even think that I could kill myself.
I shrug, “fine”.
Alyson shakes her head, “That wasn’t very convinving, Vi”.
I growl, “What do you expect, school isn’t exactly heaven”.
Alyson’s face drops to a glassy eyed stare, “Violet, do you think there is such a thing as heaven?”
I opened my mouth to respond but I can’t. I can’t tell her that I don’t know what I believe anymore, I can’t tell her that I think all that happens when you die is you stop breathing and then you’re stuck in nothingness, I can’t let her down like that.
“Of course there is Alyson, that’s a stupid question”, I cross my arms over my chest and pretend to be looking out the window.
“I’m going there soon”, Alyson is tracing her pale fingers across her quilted blanket.
I whipped my head around to look at her with a tight expression, “No you’re not”.
Alyson sighs heavily, “You can’t deny it forever Violet, and besides I’m tired of waiting”.
I jump out of the chair, ready to knock things around the room.
“Heaven can wait, Aly!”
Alyson turns over in the bed, yawning, “No, it can’t”.
I sit in her room for what seems like hours, just staring at the sky, watching heavens clouds fade and the moon begin to shine.
I close my eyes, “Please wait for her”.
8 comments
This post made me cry. It reminded me of my “cancer riddled friend” and the times when I was allowed to visit him. Th next tome you see her. Tell Alyson that I say hi and that she should stay strong. Heaven doesn’t mind waiting especially for an angel such as her.
I go see her later tonight actually, shes been really sick lately and im really scared. I want to get as much time with her as I can, if she goes…i dont know what Ill do.
I know the feeling all too well. I hope for the best for both of you.
Yeah….Ill post something Im sure to tell everyone how things are going, at this moment tho I’m just trying to be hopeful but the signs arent looking good. She just makes me feel like a real person because she knows how it feels to feel like your a nobody, she says she feels like that because of her sickness. We just both know how it feels to be different, and I dont want her to leave me because i dont want to feel alone again.
As usual a very well written post. You should be very proud or yourself for supporting Alyson, being her friend and helping her through her final stretch. I know how much this girl means to you, the connection that you made with her when you two first met in the hospital. That was another excellent post by the way, the story of how Alyson and Violet became friends. It captured for me a feeling I get all the time. I don’t know if its guilt or anger…it’s the fact that I go to sleep each night hoping not to wake up, take awful care of my body, no exercise, poor diet, cigarette smoker, drug addict, always wanting death but to chicken shit to peace my self up and guilt ridden as to the effect that action would have on my family; Yet this 12 (or is it 13 now? I remember you posting about her birthday semi recently) year old girl has to suffer an awful death and be denied the chance to live life. Kids in Africa are starving to death, children in Asia are being sold into slavery, and I can’t see past my own pain and self loathing to appreciate the opportunities and privileged chance at life I was given.
I just wish I could die and give my life to Alyson or someone like her who deserves it and would enjoy it and take advantage of it. Hopefully it would turn out for them better than it has for me. I gave up so long ago and have thrown my life away, do everything in my power to slowly kill myself, think about instantly killing myself, and wish to be dead all the time. If only I could die for someone like Alyson I would feel more noble about it and maybe even have it bring me some satisfaction and happiness knowing that I have given life to someone who wants it, who deserves it.
Anyway yo, I have personally watched a close friend’s parent die from cancer and the process that both my friend and his mother went through. It was awful, like how I feel on a sunny day watching little kids laughing and playing in the park. There is a ton of decompression that someone like Alyson must go through accepting that her death is eminent before she is ready to move on and at peace with the fact she will be dead. She really needs friends and family to help her talk and work through it.
I imagine you come to this place because you feel like I do, well shit I’ve read your posts so I don’t imagine I know. However, as difficult as it is to watch Alyson go, and as difficult as it will be when she finally does, you should feel really good about yourself for being there for her Violet. It says a lot about your character that you have stayed friends with her and kept in close contact with her like you have. That despite the pain you are feeling you put on a happy face for her and try to make her feel the happiness that you do not, joy for life.
I would really appreciate if you post more about your time spent with Alyson again. I think that this little girl has a great deal of wisdom and prospective to impart with that would help me, you, and a lot of other people who come here.
You have to help her fight this an be strong and at the sane time, prepare yourself for the emotional blow. If you don’t the effects
could be major. I know. Make sure she knows that while she’s here she should strive to survive because each moment longger she stays is another moment people have to try to help her stay for an even longer moment. I wish you both the best.
~<3 evergone
If you could take away her dying, would you? If you could give her new life, cancer free, would you do it or let her die? My guess is you would want her to live. So let her. Through you she can live on. Even though her body dies her spirit can live on through you. Tell her you will live for her, let her know you are going to be okay. Then BE okay. Someday you can have children or friends you can share the story of Vi and Ally with. Tell her your dreams, tell her your sadness too. Don’t be afraid to tell her how you feel that she is leaving, it’s unfair for her to go and leave you behind. But remember how she must feel knowing you don’t really want to live when she doesn’t really want to die. She has resigned her self to dying the same way you need to resign your self to living and to being happy once again. Of course you will feel awful when she is gone, but once you grieve awhile it will get better, not right away, but it will get better. Then live. Live for Alyson. Live for you. Live as if you are living and making enough memories for two people. Then share them someday with your children or grandchildren. Or write a book that helps others cope with dying and sucidal thoughts because you have been there and forged through the rough times and become stronger for it. Be strong Violet, be strong and live long and keep Alyson alive in your heart. ♥
Thank you maggiemay, those are extraordinary words to live by. I am so scared of when she goes, and I don’t want to make the promise that I’ll be ok, because I don’t know if I will. I’ve seen death everywhere. Here, Dexter, Aly, the whole world is always dying. But I can’t stop it, I can just keep going, I could let Alyson’s spirit live on in me, but I can’t promise her or anyone that I am going to live. I want to live, I want to grow up, get married, have kids, but the way my life has gone so far, I just don’t know if any of that is going to happen.
I will be posting more about my time spent with Alyson, sorry to tell you all shes’s not doing better tho 🙁