My name’s Anna and I’ve posted a great many things here before, so if you’re interested in my ‘back-story’ so-to-speak, please search my name on the post dashboard, because this isn’t me talking about the same stuff and therefore I cannot quite be bothered to re-type it all. But, I digress…
I have a problem today.
The day I had scheduled to commit suicide has become… impractical. My boyfriend and I have booked a holiday for about a month after it. The initial plan was to complete everything scheduled for after the date beforehand, so that I could die all in peace and whatever else. But now I have something to do that cannot take place beforehand.
So what do I do? Do I still die on the same day? Or do I postpone it? And for how much longer? I feel like too much thought has gone into it to put it off now, but it messes with my schedule and this is the most important thing (read my other posts before you critisise this).
I tried to get him to book it for earlier, but this is the only time he could have off. So I said yes. And so perhaps part of me wants to live. But what for? We die anyway.
I am aware this is the most unstructured thing I have posted, so please accept my apologies.
And I still need someone to tell me how many paracetamol/sleeping pills it takes to remain unconcious forever.
If you’re going to reply, don’t try and save me. I am so tired of people on this website ‘caring’. Just answer my questions, please, so that I can die at some point.
5 comments
I vote for postponing it, you’d leave your boyfriend unhappy if you did something before he could have a few more moments with you.
On the other hand it could leave him with more pain and memories (painful memories?). Sorry, I’m not much help when it comes to a definitive answers.
Well, he knows it’s after ‘the day’ anyway… I just haven’t told him specifically what day it is. It does bother him, but I believe that he thinks that because I now have something to do that cannot physically be achieved beforehand that I don’t really have a choice but to go on holiday… and I suppose he’s right. It’s just annoying because I like to have everything planned out, and this has scuppered my intentions somewhat.
Also, on the ‘for’ side of going on holiday, I have a list of things to do before I die… and several of these are achievable during that period of time. My psychiatrist says to go on holiday aswell.
But if I were to, this leaves the void of when to pick up my suicide plans. And what if it turns out that it’s never the right time to do it again? I’ll feel like I’ve let my boyfriend down for putting him through degrees of torment, when it will just never happen anyway.
How I wish I didn’t have to plan stuff exactly.
Also, LOL sheep.
I think it would be annoying, but it’s also kind of sweet, in my opinion, that he would do that -even if he couldn’t get it any sooner- it sounds like you have a very caring boy, er man, on your hands. Those are so rare now a days; or so I hear. @_@
and lol yeah, sheep. 😛
‘it sounds like you have a very caring boy, er man, on your hands’
– Oh, I do. I can’t say enough how much he means to me. I just wish I was more for him- I wish I could be happier, because that would make him happy. He deserves somebody else, someone who doesn’t spend their time on suicide websites, or buys razorblades from Boots (and shaving foam to ‘cover it up’), or is too afraid to go outside by herself. He deserves something better than me. I think my death would also mean his freedom. And although that’s not an excuse for wanting to commit suicide whatsoever, I truly don’t believe that he can be happy with someone as selfish as me. I wish I was more for him.
Who am I fucking kididng?
I AM GOING TO GO ON HOLIDAY.