dreaming of getting off the bus

its been a long life. before organ recitals. before becoming a burden to the kids. before another painful episode of trying to connect deeply with another only to have it go badly due to poor judgment and lack of insight. I’ve been married twice and had several times that of girlfriends, each time having given my all only to have it fail. what a cluster fuck.

I have been here before. several times actually. those whom i could tell i dare not as it would only cause them consternation.  life is hard for us all. unless you are a turtle withdrawn into your shell and/or desensitized due to nature and or nurture.

the world is mad. civilization is at an all time low point if only due to the magnification of power through technology in man’s projection of the same old stories from his lower self. the impetus from the core of the human condition remains unchanged for millenia. it is the magnification that makes it so devastatingly tragic and therefore poignant.

only my 17 year old daughter keeps me alive as my love for and concern for her is so great. although I bought a book recently entitled ‘ after: a parents guide – helping children heal’ to try and reverse engineer a story I could leave her where my self-destruction would not destroy her, I hesitate because what if I fail in my mission of her self-preservation?

I believe euthanasia should be a civil right for all and not merely for the terminally ill. the biggest problem for the biosphere is human over-population. I finally got a vasectomy but not before I procreated and added two more humans to the planet. oh well…hindsight is 20/20.

anthropocentrism has extincted so many species. we are not superior. despite our so-called superior intelligence we run ripshod over the biosphere leaving destruction in our path. there are too many of us. remember the bumper sticker,  ‘save the planet, kill yourself’? right on!

a few more years perhaps. till my beloved daughter could understand. but will she? could she? I want to get off the bus. now. i yearn for great love. i have failed time and again. I don’t have the money nor the time for psychoanalysis to figure it out only for remaining another mouth to feed…another human exploiting the natural world and extincting other species whose innocence  gives them greater right and privilege of being alive here than do I.