My father thinks I’m insane.
Well, insane isn’t actually the word he used, it was “possessed”.
Funny, right? I mean what does he think, that the devil is the one whose making me depressed? It’s not like my head has spun all the way around yet, at least not that I’m aware of.
He just doesn’t understand, he think’sI can just be happy, that all I have to do is not be said anymore. Well, I have news for him.
IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE.
I wish I could just be happy, but I can’t. I’ve spent so much time seeing myself as worthless, and he only contributed to that when he abondened me. He doesn’t get that it hurt so much when he left, that I felt like no one wanted me, and even though he invited me up to visit him, I believe it is only because he feels guilty that I’ve been such a wreck for all these years.
What else am I supposed to think? It’s not like he’s ever said “I’m sorry” or “I just felt like I couldn’t deal with it”. If he would at least apologize, I could maybe forgive and forget, but that’s a giant maybe.
I loved my dad, for eight good years of my life he meant the world to me, even though he was never around to spend time with me. He always had drinking problems and drug issues, but he always tells me that that’s just the lifestyle you live when your in a band.
I beg to differ. I’m aware of the fact that you choose the type of lifestyle you live, and he could’ve chosen to be a good person and a good dad, but he didn’t, and that’s his problem, not mine.
My therapist has been calling me a lot lately while I’ve been up here visiting him, she says I need to look at this as a “happy reunion”.
Too bad it’s not that simple.
7 comments
Sounds alot like my dad in some ways, he thinks i’ve lost it too, says
i may be psychosis – bipolar, so he blames himself that he failed me as
a father, cause he never really was there in my life then, so he’s been mentally abusing me , screaming & being mean, thinks i need attention so he picks on me hoping that i will come around, he says things goes wrong in his life all the time, comparing it to my depression & suicidal thoughts, well my problems go alot more deep than just things going wrong, i live a complicated life, it’s not as simple as he thinks, just more pain everytime he makes me feel bad & makes me cry, wish he would just give me a break & believe in me, he’s only pushing me away more & making me believe i don’t belong here anymore, i love him yet despite how he is to me, don’t know why it has to be this way between us, oh he is coming to town this august for a month, don’t know if i’m looking forward to seeing him again.
Mmmm fathers.
I really want to kill mine. He abandoned our entire family for some dumbass **** and acts like nothing happened.
Shit’s complicated. The simplest way is to burn it all down.
Hey violet. It’s evergone. Firstly, i recently Emailed you. I hope you respond. Secondly. You should tell tour therapist that hes ñot seeing the whole picture and that id he cant then he just wont be able to Help you 100% in that área.
You don’t even have to bother saying anything to your father. Let him figure it out on his own. But somehow I doubt he can. I’m sorry If I’m being rude or harsh, the explanations too long of a story. I wish you luck with your dad and therapist.
@77evergone77: No ur not being too harsh at all actually. It’s just…my therapist doesnt understand either. He thinks if I just talk to my dad then its going ti all be okay. I have talked to my father and we dont see eye to eye on anything. He thinks im some kind of freak because I sleep all day and I sit up in my room in the dark just thinking things through. He doesnt understand that these things are my way of trying to make myself better. Sometimes I just need to be alone with myself, im not trying to look depressed or anything like that, it just easier to figure things out that way, where i need to be with my life right now. Anyway, im really not interested in talking to either my father or my therapist. Ive been going to a therapist for a year and all theyve done is make me feel like im a psycho freak who needs to be committed. Well, you know what? IM DONE. Im not going to go to any therapists anymore, im done staying on nasty pills that do nothing, and im done feeling like no one is helping me. IF i am going to get better, then i dont need other people helping right now, i need to help myself first.
Good. That’s the first thing you should do. I thinkyour dad needs a therapist more than you do. Help yourself to overcome whatever is keeping you down. It’s harder than it sounds but you have to just try an don’t give up.
@VioletBlake
1) Your intelligence and intelllective reasoning are intact and of very good quality, yet other aspects of your personality have been wrecked by your past life and you are to date unable to be discplined enough to obey your reasoning. But it is about time you do it now. And it seems that you actually decided to do so. Good.
a) You are no phreak, no psycho or anything seemingly to that. You are a perfectly healthy and sound girl reacting the natural way to circumstances like the ones you have now.
b) Stop mentioning to yourself the word “father”. Nothing of what he says, does or expresses has any value. We know what kind of individual he is. There is no excuse, no forgiveness. Dont argue this point. He is responsible for the infinite harm caused to you. It drives me to madness when you tell us what he tells you and you even become hurt by what he says. Nothing of what he says matters, he abandoned his daugther to the sexual abuses of another drug addict, as you related in a shocking posting.
In societies or communities where chaos reigns, and definitively you have been living in one, people continue coexisting with rubbish, unable to break up with it, leading troubled and harmed existences because they think that is what there is and nothing else than that.
c) Have you told your therapist the sexual abuses of the mate of your father? If yes, how come that person is not in jail now? You mean that is fine for the therapist? He doesnt do anything about it? Or you have not told him ? Or you have told him and also told him not to do anything about it ? No way you are going to let that bastard get away with it, are you ?
Your therapist does not seem to have ever known what certain things mean. After what your “father” has done to you, the pushes towards “chat with your dad, buddy him up etc” are unacceptable.
It is very typical of the anglosaxon streams of psychiatry that kind of styles, but they are lacking in an understanding of the value of certain things. For that kind of shrinks, “everything goes”. Forget him, on the one side because you are a normal person, on the other because his indications seem to be oblivious of what your feelings legitimally can and must be.
d) report to the police the sexual abuses you were victim of by the mate of your father. You wrote a shocking posting about that. No matter how many years have passed. He cannot get away with it. In any case, jail is not enough for him.
e) surround yourself by healthy people, guys who study, who get good grades, who practice sports, who dont drink, who dont know what drugs are and who are looking forward to becoming doctors, lawyers, things like that. In other words, to someone who can become what I am today, because you can and want to be in a good situation to lead the life you want.
f) Put to use your great story telling talent, do creative positive things because now you are on the right path.
g) About quitting the medicines radically even though I welcome your good determination and correct decision of breaking up with both your “father” and the shrink, it is not advised that you quit overnight, you must reduce the dose slowly specially if you have been on them for months. Reduce the dose according to what the dr says.
Conclusion. Your best protector to date is yourself and your good decision taking to creating a positive life around you.
I never give anyone a second chance to lie to me or to hurt me and the more and more often not even one chance because I am firm in enforcing my strict criteria and when I detect a signal of something I dont like, I stay away and dont relate to that person. However, people continue to hang to those who hurt them over and over and over again.
It is that simple if you are firm enough.
O
@oracle
1) What aspects of my personality of been ruined? Unable to be dicsplined enough to obey my reasoning? Jeez, you make me sound like a naughty school boy who needs to have a ruler slapped across his wrist to make him behave.
a) I wouldnt exactly use the words sound or healthy. Id try something along the lines of rational….sane. Altho im not sure about sane either.
b) if hes not my “father” then what the hell is he? Not my dad obviously. he is biologically my father-half of my chromosomes are his-but he is NOT MY DAD. Still, i cant helo but be affected by what he says to because i am in fact related to him and at this particular time, stuck living with him for the summer. I feel hurt by what he says because for some reason I still want to love him and i want him to understand, but he doesnt, and it hurts. Oh, and its not all his fault. Yes, i am angry that he wasnt there to protect me and see what was going on, but if anyone is to blame then it is only me, because i knew better then to let him scare me into submission, but i still chose to say nothing, even after my dad moved out of that house and i was away from him, because i was young and stupid. Im not going to forgive myself for that.
c) Yes, ive told my therapist, but there is nothing I, nor he can do. I dont know the mans last name, and I dont want too. I dont want to know anything about him. I wouldnt want to do anything about it anyway, because I am finally starting to get over it all these years and bringing it up again-especially in a trial where id have to see him sitting there in front of me-would just put me back at aquare one with my depression, like all my hard work to get over it would be for nothing. So in a sense, yes, i am going to let him get away with it because i am letting him get away from me and my life.
d) I dont want anyone to go to jail. I cant help but think…….what if he has a family now? what happened was so long ago, how do i know he didnt clean up his act and become a nice family man? Contrary to what many think, people can change. what happened may have happened because he was hyped up on drugs and didnt know exactly what he was doing. Do i honestly believe he didnt know he was raping me? no, but i do believe that people can change, and i am not going to jeopardize someones happy life by bringing up something that i can get over with help and time.
e) I CANT. I have this uncanny ability to attract boys with issues, and for some reason i think i can “save” them. In a matter of speaking. Whether they have issues with parents or drugs or drinking or…anything, i attract teenage boys and men who cant help but be unhappy little jerks most of the time, but im not one to give up on them, so i let myself be miserable for their sake, so they can feed off my misery and be happy. Yes, its not a very heatlthy relationship, and one fo the many reasons i dont trust men enough to have a boyfriend for too long, but i cant help it, i just feel like i need to be there rock, even though i myself feel more like a rockslide.
f) Great story-telling talent….Were you under the impression that this is for your entertainment? Im sorryu to burst you little fictional bubble there but you are sadly mistaken if you think any of this is just some story you can read to entertain your boring life for a little while.
g) Ive actually been off my meds altogether for a good while and i feel much better then before, thats why im so convinced that all this depression crap is in my head and i can pull myself out of it without drugging myself into an even more depressed stupor. Oh wait a sec, im sorry, are you a doctor?? I seemed to have missed that note.
I am sorry if I sounded harsh in this anywhere at all, and i know i did, i just feel like people are always telling me what im doing wrong and what i should do to be happy. and they just dont understand. No one understands what its like to lose everything you once held dear to you. They dont. Im not talking material possessions like a house or a car or clothes, im talking like the things that make you who u are, or were. My childhood, my freedom to think on my own, my innocence, all of it just poof! gone in a flash, and i cant get it back. Maybe thats what u meant by some of personality traits being wrecked? Just a guess.
With all due respect,
Violet Blake