“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”
I’m DEATHLY afraid. (no pun intended)
I’ve talked about wanting to die, needing to die, trying to die, but I’m afraid to die.
It’s not the actual dying part, it’s the after that is so terrifying. I don’t know if I believe in God, I haven’t since I was 8 yrs. old, so what happens when you die? Do you go to heaven, to hell, some sort of limbo place? Or is it just blackness, just an infinite place of obscure darkness where you are bound to spend all eternity? I CANNOT be in the dark.Â
This is why I am so afraid to die, because I am so scared that there is nothing left after this life, that when I die its just going to black, black, and more black. The unknown is the scariest thing in the world to me.
But I have a choice, I can choose to live. Living is scary too, almost as scary as death. If I choose to live then there are a million things that could go wrong, a million and one. What if I don’t earn enough money, what if my kids don’t like me, what If I never get married, what if I don’t pass college, what if I hate my job? There are so many what if’s about life that I just don’t know, but I want to find out.
The future can be a tricky thing to comprehend, but you have to want the future to come for you to even begin to comprehend what that means. I want it to come so badly, but there will always be obstacles, things I need to first get over before I can let the future come.
Like this depression. I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, since i was a kid even. No one thought it was possible that there could be something wrong with me, I was only eight at the time, but there was.
Is.
Still….Lifes always been a challenge for me. First the rapes, then my dad moving away and abondening me, then my stepdad being a jackass and hitting my sister and I, then the car accident where I lost the use of my legs for over a year, then my suicide attempt because of high school being such a flop, and now….now my best friend in the world is going to die and IÂ will be left all alone in this godforsaken world.
But I still have the choice. Go or stay.
Go or stay…
Go or stay….
Go or stay?
Go.
or Stay.
It’s a hard choice, a confusing choice, and a life-changing choice. But when you make it, you’ll realize something…
You’ve found what makes you YOU. 🙂
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8 comments
I hope that you are keeping all of the things you are writing in here. You are a wonderful artist with words that are clear and honest..from your heart and from your human condition. Even though I am in a dark place with many of the people in here…they want to suicide..I am here BECAUSE of a suicide, the choices that are in front of you, were once in front of me…now many behind me. I wonder if, knowing my son would put a gun in his mouth, if I would have given up those 28 years of absolute joy with him…a very tender love that I always had for him, even when he screwed up, my heart was always tender….if I would have chosen to not feel any of that and not given birth to him, because of that violent outcome and exit from life. I would NOT trade that….I COULD not…this is a brick wall I stand in front of now. I will have to summon the will to get over it or through it somehow and at some point. Right now, I am clawing at it …beating on it…and it won’t move. It is, by definition an immovable object. Someone put it there.. or maybe I put it there with my pain.. However it came to be…at one point, I will sit down and look at it and I will imagine what is on the other side. I will not know….but maybe, if I put that wall there..that wall of hardness and pain, I can imagine a better outcome on the other side.. it has to be worth tearing it down. We, each and everyone of us, comes up to these brick walls in our lives. They are there not to stop us, I think, but to make us work at getting through them or over them..to give the effort and in that effort, we find our own Strength.
So, dearest Violet..
Do you Go
or do you Stay
All of your life you will realize that this question is always There
Sometimes and Someday the Choice will be made
There is a lot of Life in between
You can Choose
Free Will is such a ***** of a Thing………
theres probably ALOT of things that can and will jappen in your life.. but just think at least you wont be in the dark. i kinda realized here the last few days that stay or go truley does pull at you. but at the same time… how will life be if your kids DO like you and you LOVE your job..and if you DO get married…. well then your a happy married woman with a job she loves and children who love you and you now have the dream 🙂 instead of thinking about what if i dont just keep thinking about what if i do thats what usuakky helps me.. and if nothing else like i said. at least your not in the dark 🙂
happen* not jappen
Dear Violet, I read some of your posts. I want you to stay!!!!!!!! I know that lief is tough, and I can relate to you in so many instances, but life can also be rewarding and peaceful. We’re responsible for our own emotional state. We choose how to react to certain situations. You say, what if…. What if you learn how to overcome depression and find someone who loves and cares for you? What if there’s a God who loves and cares for you? What if he sent you here to this Earth to be tried and tested and return to his presence? What if you found this website to help others to have hope? What if you found a friend who can understand and support you?
this is what i think. i think that death is the same as before we are born. before we were born the earth/universe went on for billions of years and where were we? nowhere. then by chance we are born. when we die, it will be the same. just nothingness. thats just my opinion of course no one knows for sure, but maybe you should stay for a while because the odds are that there is nothing.
@connee501: I have faith that you will overcome what happened with your son. You’ve gone through a lot in you life and this is just another one of those obstacles that whatever higher being is up there puts in front of you to try and tempt you to do wrong, always testing you. But ur stronger then that, I know you can overcome whatever else life has to throw at you because uve already been through a lot and I think that if any of us can get over this morbid state of depression that we’ve all been stuck in, then anything else we ever have to face will seem like nothing. So to answer ur question: Go or Stay?
I say stay, for the both of us. 🙂
@iAMALONE: As much as Id like to agree with you that I wont be in the dark, I actually will be even if I choose to stay. You see, when i meant that life is just as scary as death, maybe even scarier, i meant that as in life can also be another form of being left in the dark, since it is the unknown. Im pretty sure there is the phrase people use when they do not know something and they find out about it, something like “I was kept in the dark about it”. Thats how I am with life and death. Im being kept in the dark on both of them, that is why both are so scary and the choice so difficult.
@Elliem: Your what if’s make sense too, and trust me I’ve thought about the positive ones more then the negative ones, because the postitive ones are waaaayyy more frightening. U see, if i think of the postive what if’s and they dont happen, then my hopes are completely dashed and that pain is one I hate to bare all the time. That is why I tend to be more negative and logical, u cant be disappointed if ur not expecting anything in the first place. But thanks for wanting me to stay 🙂
@tedkramer7: just so you know i hate your reasoning, even tho its logical. I wish I knew what it was going to be like after I die, then I couldnt be afraid. But i dont know what the future is going to be for me either, and until yesterday it was just pitch black nothingness, and like i said i cant stand the dark, but just yesterday….I realized something that made me want the future to actually get here already…
I want to have kids. I want to be a mom and brign a life into this world. i dont know why, I guess ive seen so many babies being born from bad things and bad situations, these beautiful children whose parents love them even if they didnt want them at first, that i realized i want to have an unconditional love like that. A person who loves me no matter what happens. I believe a bond like a mother and child could never be broken, so im looking forward to that someday. Life’s full of possibilities, ones I couldnt see before.
Now I can 🙂
Thanks to all of you!!! 🙂
~Violet Blake
tedkramer7,
Speaking as a scientist, I am a biologist and a sociologist..I want you to know something about this Earth, which we estimate to be 4.5 billion years old and you, Violet, Elliem and everyone…you are an absolute miracle of life.
If your two parents hadn’t bonded just when they did-possibly to the second, possibly to the nanosecond-you wouldn’t be here.And if their parents hadn’t done likewise, and their parents before them, and so on, obviously and indefinitely you wouldn’t be here.Go back to the time of Lincoln and Charles Darwin, and already there are 250 people whose timely couplings your existence depends. Continuing further back to the time of Shakespeare and the Mayflower and you have no fewer than 16,384 ancestors earnestly exchanging genetic material in a way that would, eventually and miraculously, result in YOU. You are related to most everyone….I do not have room here to explain this in full..but trust me, we are all related through our genetics..our DNA. Rather than think of the abyss you feel the world was before there was life..billions of years ago, ponder on the absolute miracle that YOU are here, in this world, and are able to read and comprehend what I have just said above. To attain any kind of life in this universe of ours appears to be quite an achievement. As humans, we are doubly lucky, of course: We enjoy not only the privilege of existence, but also the singular ability to appreciate it and even, i a multitude of ways, make it better. This is a talent we have only begun to grasp. Modern human beings..people who can make art and organize complex activities-have existed for only about 0.0001 per cent of Earth’s history. But surviving for even a little while has required a nearly endless string of good fortune. You are at the beginning..the trick, of course, is to not find yourself at the end prematurely, which will require a good deal more of lucky breaks…again, the fact that you EXIST…is a huge miracle.