Last October, after 10 years of being together and 3 kids, My wife and I split. We were and remain pretty toxic towards eachother. I was her enabler, and she was my reason to limit myself.
Let me clarify:
As a husband, I believe it is important to take into consideration the path which your decisions will take your family. With a partner I think one should make those decisions together.
After 9/11 I went to enlist. The reaction I got from my newly-wedded spouse was, “I don’t want to be a military wife. I know there re benefits, but I don’t want to be alone. If you go, I’ll get a divorce.”
So.. I did not go.
She suffered depression, I’d try to get her out of it, but the phonecalls at work would get too much.. I’d become overly worried for her and my newborn son.. I’d leave or quit. I wanted things to be ok.. All this did was make them more unstable.
We got separated, she got pregnant, we got back together, adopted that son, he died of SIDS, things fell apart more.
We got pregnant with twins, lost another job, started a business, things were okay for a year or so.
Then she just moved on… hit me in the face, cut me down in front of company, took another guy to a wedding…
Made me want to die.
So we split.
I moved across the state.
I’m almost 33. I work for $10 an hour and cannot support myself, let alone my boys. She is living with her parents. They are paying for her to go to school and move on. She uses my support checks to go out with a guy she was seeing before we split.
I feel replaced. I feel a failure.
I have nightmares every night. I can’t afford to be alive and have no real strong job skills to market.
I’m trying to enlist as a last ditch effort to save me and contribute something to my kids, even if it means I don’t get to see them much.
I have failed at very very much and I’m very close to failing everyone one final time.
I’m not very good for anyone.. not my kids, certainly not for me. I’m not really altogether sure what the point is trying to stay alive to be miserable.
No I can’t afford a doctor, I can barely afford gas. I don’t know what I need… I just want out. And prayer no longer works
4 comments
Your post contains several words I totally identify with, the chief among them “failure”. I know exactly how you feel. Like you, I’m not sure why I’m still here, and I, too, just want out. Funny that you say “prayer no longer works” because I feel the same way.
But I think you have several things going for you that I don’t have. Primarily it sounds like you still have your physical health, where as I am in decline from heart failure. I am also 20 years older than you. I wish I had those 20 years back so I could make some major changes in my life.
Something tells me you are going to make it out of this mess OK and be a great dad to your kids. Why don’t we pray for each other? Please let us know what happens with your enlistment. As for your ex……she will eventually reap what she has sown. Of that I’m certain. Peace………..
Bayarea…and crisis…me too on all that lost everything, got two drunk drivings and a record now…prayer doesn’t work anymore…..Isolation…and thoughts of being on the streets, I’m 43, edd is about to run out, I’ve tried suicide several times….and i wasn’t trying to be saved…..Antifreeze was the worst, pills, hanging, I don’t know why I’m here. The daily loneliness and pain sucks, but I know I will stay in the game….If i can get a chance, I’ll take it, I can only make myself happy. God Bless everyone in these trying times….help till it hurts….volunteering makes me happy
Hi,
I consider you a valuable man. I consider her a *****. She definitively is a *****. Typically American wife. Neofeminist and all that rubbish. Thanks God you splitted with her. Dont pay her a single dime. If she opens her mouth, grab her by the neck, spit on her eye and tell her “bastard *****, be grateful that you are coming alive out of this, for now”.
I am very proud of you how you are working hard and caring for the kids. If you are caring for the kids, dont you ever let that ***** enter your life in anyway. 33 is a good age, you cannot call it middle-age crisis, you are still much younger than that. What I would do, young man is search for a good woman. Someone sweet, good in her heart, supportive of her husband. What you have described does not fall within the limits of reasons to suicide at all. Not enough reason, far from any reason for that. Like I said, do look for another woman, even if necessary through an agency, however you can, but it is what you need now.
best regards
Oracle
Your kids don’t look at your faults. They look at you as their hero..you’re “DAD” and no one can replace you as your children’s father. It sounds like they are at the age if you just take them to the park or spend quality time with them with a smile thats all they need from their “DAD.” Do it for your kids, even if it does pay 10 dollars an hour because it shows that you have the courage to get out there and TRY no matter what the costs. You ARE out working, you DO care. You won’t always be able to start out on top so work your way up. It’ll be one of a story to tell the grandchildren! 🙂 I am a daughter and I mean every word i say.
Best of luck to you!