I thought I could handle it, life I mean.
I thought that everything was going to go okay now that I had decided too live my life the way I want too.
But it isn’t.
I had a fight with my mom tonight. She doesn’t listen to be about everything, all she does is speak her own mind and tune mine out. I just feel like she can be so selfish and conceited, that she forgets that I’m even there, her oldest child, her flower, trying to tell her how much I’m hurting.
“You never listen!” I jumped out of the car at lightning speed and slammed the doors on my way into the house, throwing my purse on the floor with a scream of pure agony.
I raced into the bathroom and locked myself inside, grabbing my razor from inside my shower and sitting down on top of the toilet seat.
I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to cut myself, I didn’t want to feel that blade running against my heated flesh, but I couldn’t stop myself. I beat on the bathroom walls and screeched at the top of my lungs, but my mind couldn’t hear me, it was already running the blade back and forth against my skin, drawing puddles of blood on my wrists.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making all of you who read my posts and who believe in me think that Iwas strong enough to beat the odds, because I’m not. I thought I could do it, I thought I could try and be happy for the sake of myself and the people who want to see me get better, but I just can’t. I’m stuck in this world where I’m not understood and I’m not the person I want too be. I just can’t seem to find who that is, I don’t know where to start looking.
I’m so ashamed of myself. All I could think to do after the blood started spilling was sit on the bathroom floor and cry. I hate crying, I feel so immature, like I’m a kid again who was told to go to their room for being naughty. I just couldn’t help myself, the tears wouldn’t stop pouring out of my eyes like the blood wouldn’t stop pouring out of my wrist.
I don’t know how long I laid like that, the room began to spin and my eyes began to blur and I felt like I was going faint even though I was already on the ground curled up into a small, vulnerable little ball. I finally had enough sense to lift my other arm up and pull a towel down from the towel rack and press it over my bloody wrist.
I thought about just wanting my heart to stop beating, I wanted the sadness in me to go away and now all I had was a stinging wrist, an aching head, and an unclear mind. I just wanted everything to stop, I even wanted the world to stop spinning. I tried to pick myself up and hold my head high, put what I had just done behind me, but I didn’t want too.
I want to be happy so badly that it hurts. But I can’t. I keep trying so hard, and I desperately want to blame it on the man who raped me, or my father who abondened me after he found out about the rape, or my mother who couldn’t give less of a damn, or my brother who I can’t even get to speak to me anymore, or just any of the people who throughout my life have treated me like something lower then dirt, but I know it’s not their fault.
I let them get to me, I let them crawl under my skin and into my head and hurt me from the inside all the way to the out.
My life could be this grand, lovely thing, but I can’t see that future anymore.
I’m sorry I screwed everything up.
3 comments
Brace yourself, I’m going to try to be positive…
To begin with you don’t need to apologize to anyone here yo, this place is about support. People come here to vent and have other people who understand respond. I’m very sorry that you had such a dicey evening but it sounds like you’ve had worse. Don’t feel ashamed that you cut or cry. I can assure you that I’m a much more awful human being than you V.E.B. At least you allow yourself to feel emotions and express them and you fight negative urges to self harm instead of running to them with open arms like me.
It’s pretty shitty that you don’t have more love and support from your parents and brother. Sometimes when I get really upset I feel that the handful of people in my life are the same way. Try to remember that your parents and brother have their own lives, problems, and stressors. I’m not justifying or condoning your Dad abandoning you or your mother being cold and selfish, I’m just trying to have you look at it from a different perspective so you UNDERSTAND why they act that way and then it will not hurt you as much.
Rape is a disgusting crime committed only by subhuman animals. It’s like pedophiles who are somehow sexually aroused by children; I just simply don’t understand rape. I do however understand that it is a crime about power. He may have had the power then but there is no reason that you should allow him to continue having power over you by allowing that experience to negatively impact your daily life. I realize that this is a difficult task and I do not by any means pretend to know what it is to be raped or know how it affects someone. I do know what it is to hate though, loathing and disgust are pretty much all I feel. Turn all feelings of inferiority, powerlessness, fear, and whatever, about the rape into hate and disgust. Every time it starts to bother you imagine being on top of him stabbing him over and over again in the chest with a razor sharp eight inch hunting knife. Again and again, his screams become gurgles as the blood splatters all over the room and your body. And just as your arm is too tired to throw another blow, and as the final dregs of life leave him, know that the last thing he sees on this earth will be your grinning face, the power and complete resolution in your eyes. Something like that. You survived and are no less of a person for it V.E.B. In fact, you are a much stronger one for surviving and continue to grow stronger each day you move forward from it.
Lastly, try to remember the good you have done and the people that do care about you. I don’t know too many teenage girls who befriend children stricken with cancer and visit them on a regular basis. I certainly don’t know many that are as gifted a writer as you. Think about all the comfort and aid you have rendered to people here on this site. Dear god woman you even managed to make _ fall asleep with a smile the other night! Like I said before, I’m a WAY shittier person than you. If you ever need to feel better about yourself just ask and I will explain in more detail as I’m trying my hardest to make this a completely positive post.
Buck up kiddo, unfortunately life is a dreadful unending march to doom, but weren’t you the one telling me, “Well, as far as im concerned I am going to at least try and be a happy person. It doesnt mean being happy all the time, there are times I know when I will feel like the world is going to collapse around me again, but I know that it is going to get better with time…†?
Don’t be sorry violet. No one if perfect. No one can “cure” themselves compleatly. It takes time. You just need to jeep trying an don’t give up because of this one time, just pik up where you left of and continue getting better.
I’m so sorry about your awful evening and incidents… life has definitely not been fair to you. But don’t apologize! You don’t have to give up! There are always bumps in the road.. just because you slipped up once doesn’t mean everything is over. Everyone does. And everyone deserves do-overs. So try to love yourself. You can do it, I believe in you and I don’t even know you! Here’s my advice that you can try maybe once and see if it helps. Try helping other people out. When I was severely depressed and suicidal, I found that just sitting down and listening to a friend could make me feel better about myself and it made me feel useful, versus feeling like a burden. Then I began really trying to help people in the world, I did little things like help random people carry things or gave up my seat for seniors… it sounds stupid and insignificant, but I started to feel so good about myself that I began to love myself. From there, I became happier… you definitely don’t have to do it, but its somewhere to start.
Remember, you always always have people you can fall back on! Look at all the people here, taking the time to comment. I wish you all the best!