I want to sincerely thank anyone who takes the time to read this and even more so if you share with me some words.
Hello I’m a 23 male. I was in college, and if I have to be honest I was always a bad student. I recently got discharged when I was about to finish. So I feel like shit because I’m feeling I’m never going to get a decent job and it’s only my fault.
I feel so much emotional and spiritual pain because for me accomplishing school was the major obligation towards myself and my parents and I failed at it.
Perhaps it may sound as if I were overreacting but I just recently came across with the asian concept of ‘losing face’ and I just feel the same.
When I tried to do my college chores I found them tiresome; I don’t enjoy college anymore and progressively I felt really anxious just with the thought of starting them.
Frankly I’ve lost interest in many areas of my life: friends, girls, piano, reading, etc.
I get really anxious because my parents know that something concerns me and also that I was doing badly in school, but instead of punishing or yelling at me or telling me something I deserve, they just act totally the opposite: warm and compassionate and that makes me uncomfortable.
Antidepressants not an option; they are against my own core values (not religious or anything, just my values).
So I have this VERY STRONG SUICIDAL DESIRES that are starting to overwhelm me. Fuck I feel like committing damn seppuku or at least yubitsume to make some compensation for my failures (again asian references 🙂 ) Frankly I don’t see very much of a solution or maybe I’m just lacking perception.
Sorry for my english but it is not my mother language.
And again thank you for taking the time to read this.
2 comments
Hello,
The only way I can understand that you will make compensation for your perceived failures, is to make effort to correct them. That doesn’t necessarily mean trying to re-do the exact same thing, but do it better. My gosh!!; you’re 23. At 23 I hadn’t come close to attempting to do what you already have. Re-group. The only problem with what may seem like failure, is not using your mis-steps to learn and grow from. You have attained knowledge that can only be attained through years of trail and error. That’s how legends are made. You have to be there in order to know the other side.
I have a Chinese girlfriend and am aware of Asian customs. If they were followed to the word, we wouldn’t have any Asians left. They would all have killed themselves by now. While admirable, to a point, they leave little room for error. Without error, and many of them, it leaves itself separate from the human condition.
Take care my friend. I hope to hear from you!
John
I’m 22 years old and I’m Asian as well. I agree with John (thank you, you seem like a compassionate person).
I feel like a failure most of the time…but these standards and obstacles aren’t anywhere near as heavy in my heart than my own thoughts.
“Salvation lies within.”