Still alive. A couple more days to make my choice. I’m calm now. I can cope with my anger. I just wanted a friend. I can just put on my happy face now, that’s normal. I sit in bed. In my small 2-bedroom apartment and I just can’t sleep. I just think about how lonely I am, how everyone around me glows with self-indulgent happiness. I just want to make them suffer sometimes. But that wouldn’t be fair at all. My life sucks, they know it, and it’s not their problem. Death is my choice this month. Next month I decide. Wonder what happens when I die. Because I lost a lot of my faith. I’m trying to remember where I failed in life to get here. Well fuck, I guess my mom is going to make a killing after I die, selling my bed, renting out my room, probably get more stuff for that house her and her boyfriends has. I wonder where is the rest of my family. They probably don’t care either. Family is usually all a person has. Ah. It came back to me. My grandma. I remember her. She loved me. Then she died. If something does happen when I die. I’ll give her a great big hug. Than I’ll make my way onto hell. I’m full of shit. Rambling about the fucking afterlife. Well leme think some more. Yea. This guy. He used to bully me. I used to stay quite . Everyone else thought it was funny. I guess it was. I guess I can’t hold angry feelings against anyone. I guess I can resort to some drugs to help me repress. Not anything like weed or cocaine. You know. Alcohol, painkillers, the usual. Now where the hell do I get cyanide. Nah. That shit burns. Maybe some CO2. Maybe I’ll just suffocate myself. There I go again. Rambling. I guess that’s why people hate me. I don’t know how to talk to people. I try to keep my head down. But someone finds a way to kick me. Man, I wish I can post one of them “I will survive stories”. But there is no chance. I can’t find happiness anywhere. Maybe I’ll just make everyone smile when I die. Make it funny. I just spend everyday by that cheap little cellphone my mom threw out by accident. She doesn’t even know it’s gone. Any by that cellphone, I wait. I wait everyday. Just waiting for maybe a telemarketer. Someone. To say something I haven’t heard in a while. Hi. Nobody notices when I walk in. I might as well stop walking in. I should just walk out. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll walk out. Like I am now. I’ll walk out and think. It’s 5AM so no one can tell fill my nightmares tonight. As long as I’m away. I remember this time. I was sick. I couldn’t even raise my arm. I was so disoriented. It got hard to breath eventually, and I didn’t like that feeling. So I cried for help. And cried. And cried. And passed out. And I remembered. I had no one. I just don’t have anything. Nothing. Well. I got this room. It’s small, and I don’t really have a bed. But it’s nice. And this T.V. It’s my best friend. My mom throws out great things. I’ll say that. I wide. Pseudo-big screen T.V. It wasn’t a real brand. But it was nice. And it came with these beautiful surround sound speakers. So far. That has been my best friend. Oh. And this great laptop. I’m not poor. And far from rich. But some of the things in my room become painkillers. I can just ignore everything and talk to my T.V. friends. Well at least I have an option to live. See? I’m thinking on the bright-side. As long as the things in my room remain. I can just cry and forget. I remember fathers day. Everyone came in with their dads. I was so miserable. I came in with no one. I just don’t understand people at times. Why ignore a simple invitation to a friend. I never understood what that would cost you. I’m getting angry again. I hate being angry. I’ve been typing for an hour now. Just whatever is in my head. So I can make new room for tomorrow. Well. It is tomorrow. And I spent the night typing a suicide letter. I’ll make a series of ’em. Make it a fun mystery for those investigators. Maybe I’ll make it a riddle. Maybe I’m doing that now. Aww. I almost laughed. If only I had a pistol. When I pop in my head, I won’t feel that pesky bullet. I’ll be dead from the contact. But that makes me wonder. What then? Am I just chasing a dream? I think I might go call the dell tech support. Just to talk with someone. To stay alive. Still alive.