Still alive. A couple more days to make my choice. I’m calm now. I can cope with my anger. I just wanted a friend. I can just put on my happy face now, that’s normal. I sit in bed. In my small 2-bedroom apartment and I just can’t sleep. I just think about how lonely I am, how everyone around me glows with self-indulgent happiness. I just want to make them suffer sometimes. But that wouldn’t be fair at all. My life sucks, they know it, and it’s not their problem. Death is my choice this month. Next month I decide. Wonder what happens when I die. Because I lost a lot of my faith. I’m trying to remember where I failed in life to get here. Well fuck, I guess my mom is going to make a killing after I die, selling my bed, renting out my room, probably get more stuff for that house her and her boyfriends has. I wonder where is the rest of my family. They probably don’t care either. Family is usually all a person has. Ah. It came back to me. My grandma. I remember her. She loved me. Then she died. If something does happen when I die. I’ll give her a great big hug. Than I’ll make my way onto hell. I’m full of shit. Rambling about the fucking afterlife. Well leme think some more. Yea. This guy. He used to bully me. I used to stay quite . Everyone else thought it was funny. I guess it was. I guess I can’t hold angry feelings against anyone. I guess I can resort to some drugs to help me repress. Not anything like weed or cocaine. You know. Alcohol, painkillers, the usual. Now where the hell do I get cyanide. Nah. That shit burns. Maybe some CO2. Maybe I’ll just suffocate myself. There I go again. Rambling. I guess that’s why people hate me. I don’t know how to talk to people. I try to keep my head down. But someone finds a way to kick me. Man, I wish I can post one of them “I will survive stories”. But there is no chance. I can’t find happiness anywhere. Maybe I’ll just make everyone smile when I die. Make it funny. I just spend everyday by that cheap little cellphone my mom threw out by accident. She doesn’t even know it’s gone. Any by that cellphone, I wait. I wait everyday. Just waiting for maybe a telemarketer. Someone. To say something I haven’t heard in a while. Hi. Nobody notices when I walk in. I might as well stop walking in. I should just walk out. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll walk out. Like I am now. I’ll walk out and think. It’s 5AM so no one can tell fill my nightmares tonight. As long as I’m away. I remember this time. I was sick. I couldn’t even raise my arm. I was so disoriented. It got hard to breath eventually, and I didn’t like that feeling. So I cried for help. And cried. And cried. And passed out. And I remembered. I had no one. I just don’t have anything. Nothing. Well. I got this room. It’s small, and I don’t really have a bed. But it’s nice. And this T.V. It’s my best friend. My mom throws out great things. I’ll say that. I wide. Pseudo-big screen T.V. It wasn’t a real brand. But it was nice. And it came with these beautiful surround sound speakers. So far. That has been my best friend. Oh. And this great laptop. I’m not poor. And far from rich. But some of the things in my room become painkillers. I can just ignore everything and talk to my T.V. friends. Well at least I have an option to live. See? I’m thinking on the bright-side. As long as the things in my room remain. I can just cry and forget. I remember fathers day. Everyone came in with their dads. I was so miserable. I came in with no one. I just don’t understand people at times. Why ignore a simple invitation to a friend. I never understood what that would cost you. I’m getting angry again. I hate being angry. I’ve been typing for an hour now. Just whatever is in my head. So I can make new room for tomorrow. Well. It is tomorrow. And I spent the night typing a suicide letter. I’ll make a series of ’em. Make it a fun mystery for those investigators. Maybe I’ll make it a riddle. Maybe I’m doing that now. Aww. I almost laughed. If only I had a pistol. When I pop in my head, I won’t feel that pesky bullet. I’ll be dead from the contact. But that makes me wonder. What then? Am I just chasing a dream? I think I might go call the dell tech support. Just to talk with someone. To stay alive. Still alive.
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Hi! I am new to this sight and “Boy” do I need to vent because nobody else will ! My dog Miko listens and has no preception,no miscommunications,no thoughts,no judgements on the matter. He”ll never find out how I feel. I dream of ways to escape to leave and to not feel the pain. I dream of ways too “stop” hurting. I dream of ways for everyone to stop being so spiteful and self absorbed it never happens. The dream never manifest. I work too hard. Noone will ever love me. I think thats something Iv”e always known “But” thats alright. I”m getting too old to be thinking like thus.(Im only 48) I write down things down with the written evidence that I donot suffer alone I just suffer internally. Some things are better left unsaid. I sleep alone. I always knew I would! I have plans so instead of saying them they become etched in a far off corner and I don”t except a single soul other than my own understanding to get it or to care. I need not attention to this matter. I”ts all mine to myself. I expect you too glimpse over this story and not notice that it”s me. I am more than ok. What that this is not about striking gold. One day it will be all over out of my own hands and Im more than ok with that for now “But” a straight edge will do I”m sorry I was suppse to help you and all I did was Vent about me! Please don”t do anything believe me there are days that I don”t want to go on “But” I think I”m afraid of the pain! “Not” the pain of my so called Loved ones “But” the pain of how I would end my life!
anon81710, Anto2342…. I, too have that nagging feeling that death ain’t the end of me and memory. I just remembered something from the past: I was walking randomly through a part of Chicago I’d never been in with a bible in one hand and a small pocketknife in the other. Some dude that seemed homeless stopped in front of me, and told me, “I just want you to know that there are no atheists in foxholes.” He said it twice, at least then went away. That actually made me grip the “good book” tighter and I put my little knife in my pocket. A foxhole is what soldiers used to duck into when they were getting fired at. The afterlife seems to be something of concern for those of us who somehow don’t go through with ‘it’. Weird, huh?
I know sometimes life can be so much to bear and things absolutely refuse to go our way. But when its all said and done, life is so much more than the pain we bear, the people that forsake us, the tacit words that never escape our mouths, the tear that constantly fall with no one there to wipe them away. I just wish that deep down you can find at least one miniscule reason to live, one reason to hold on, one reason to stay alive, one reason to save a life…….your life. Life is no crystal stair for anyone. We have all had our shares of ups and downs and trials and tribulations. But there is a difference between those who choose to take their life and those who choose to keep theirs. Some have the willpower to carry on though things are tough because they know there is a brighter day ahead and some are weak and cannot see the bigger picture. But all in all, I am certain that you guys can carry on despite your current situations and circumstances. Peace be with you guys:)