5 AM. Again. I can’t sleep at nights. I feel I should sleep when people are out. I just like expressing through these stories. That gives me something to live for. I think. I’m not sure. Ahh. I remembered something. Someone. A girl. I remember her. I loved her. She was probably my first and only friend. She had a vibrant smile. And she hated me after a week. And I knew this would be a lowering point in my life. I remember when she grabbed my hand. I remember it so well. She wasn’t my girlfriend. I never had that experience. But her name was.. I don’t know much about rules. But her name was… Destiny. I pray to god you can read this. I want you to know that for that you were a highlight for my lifetime. I never had a moment than the moments I spent with you. Once again. I drift off into dreamland. Her hand was soft and she smelled like roses. She was Hispanic with long curly black hair and tan skin. She was very popular in fact. Which is why she later hated me I guess. I’m nothing though. But for that brief moment. I knew I could be a human being. And even though I haven’t had a handshake ever since. I know for that moment. I wanted to live. I actually can say that. But she is far from liking any part of me. She won’t acknowledge my existence now. Well, no one really does. I enter a room. No one turns. They just heard a door open. Well at least I have the Dell support. When I’m around. They hear a phone ring at least. I remember when I missed prom. Not like anyone wanted me to come. I saw people rushing off to their prom nights. And I cried for a while. And I kept my head down all that day. Cause I couldn’t face my god. I was too pitiful. Well I can write my life’s story here. But I should write my last story. And it will be the greatest thing I can release from my mind. Every content and ridge of my brain will be on the wall. And I will never return. And I will carve it into the walls. So everyone knew, for once. I exist. But god may look at may dismembered body. Look at low impact on everything around me. Look at my inability to carry positive energy. And he would cast me down. But to be honest. I think I would excited just to know something happened. I can’t enter churches any more. Everyone just feels like I’m a problem there. I try my best to be a nice person but that arrogant. Shitty. Attitude. They all carry comes out. And they feel ecstatic cause they believe god sides with them. What am I saying? He does side with them. Cause at the end of it all. Who is. Still alive.
Still alive. A couple more days to make my choice. I’m calm now. I can cope with my anger. I just wanted a friend. I can just put on my happy face now, that’s normal. I sit in bed. In my small 2-bedroom apartment and I just can’t sleep. I just think about how lonely I am, how everyone around me glows with self-indulgent happiness. I just want to make them suffer sometimes. But that wouldn’t be fair at all. My life sucks, they know it, and it’s not their problem. Death is my choice this month. Next month I decide. Wonder what happens when I die. Because I lost a lot of my faith. I’m trying to remember where I failed in life to get here. Well fuck, I guess my mom is going to make a killing after I die, selling my bed, renting out my room, probably get more stuff for that house her and her boyfriends has. I wonder where is the rest of my family. They probably don’t care either. Family is usually all a person has. Ah. It came back to me. My grandma. I remember her. She loved me. Then she died. If something does happen when I die. I’ll give her a great big hug. Than I’ll make my way onto hell. I’m full of shit. Rambling about the fucking afterlife. Well leme think some more. Yea. This guy. He used to bully me. I used to stay quite . Everyone else thought it was funny. I guess it was. I guess I can’t hold angry feelings against anyone. I guess I can resort to some drugs to help me repress. Not anything like weed or cocaine. You know. Alcohol, painkillers, the usual. Now where the hell do I get cyanide. Nah. That shit burns. Maybe some CO2. Maybe I’ll just suffocate myself. There I go again. Rambling. I guess that’s why people hate me. I don’t know how to talk to people. I try to keep my head down. But someone finds a way to kick me. Man, I wish I can post one of them “I will survive stories”. But there is no chance. I can’t find happiness anywhere. Maybe I’ll just make everyone smile when I die. Make it funny. I just spend everyday by that cheap little cellphone my mom threw out by accident. She doesn’t even know it’s gone. Any by that cellphone, I wait. I wait everyday. Just waiting for maybe a telemarketer. Someone. To say something I haven’t heard in a while. Hi. Nobody notices when I walk in. I might as well stop walking in. I should just walk out. That’s what I’ll do. I’ll walk out. Like I am now. I’ll walk out and think. It’s 5AM so no one can tell fill my nightmares tonight. As long as I’m away. I remember this time. I was sick. I couldn’t even raise my arm. I was so disoriented. It got hard to breath eventually, and I didn’t like that feeling. So I cried for help. And cried. And cried. And passed out. And I remembered. I had no one. I just don’t have anything. Nothing. Well. I got this room. It’s small, and I don’t really have a bed. But it’s nice. And this T.V. It’s my best friend. My mom throws out great things. I’ll say that. I wide. Pseudo-big screen T.V. It wasn’t a real brand. But it was nice. And it came with these beautiful surround sound speakers. So far. That has been my best friend. Oh. And this great laptop. I’m not poor. And far from rich. But some of the things in my room become painkillers. I can just ignore everything and talk to my T.V. friends. Well at least I have an option to live. See? I’m thinking on the bright-side. As long as the things in my room remain. I can just cry and forget. I remember fathers day. Everyone came in with their dads. I was so miserable. I came in with no one. I just don’t understand people at times. Why ignore a simple invitation to a friend. I never understood what that would cost you. I’m getting angry again. I hate being angry. I’ve been typing for an hour now. Just whatever is in my head. So I can make new room for tomorrow. Well. It is tomorrow. And I spent the night typing a suicide letter. I’ll make a series of ’em. Make it a fun mystery for those investigators. Maybe I’ll make it a riddle. Maybe I’m doing that now. Aww. I almost laughed. If only I had a pistol. When I pop in my head, I won’t feel that pesky bullet. I’ll be dead from the contact. But that makes me wonder. What then? Am I just chasing a dream? I think I might go call the dell tech support. Just to talk with someone. To stay alive. Still alive.
I care. I care for so many people. But all I’ll get is a fucking dick response no matter what. It isnt easy to wake up with no one giving a fuck about your tommorow, yet I put on a damn smiley fface for everyone, I’m just an accessory to everyone’s ego. Well I’m fucking sick of it. I try so hard to be a kind person but I just get it spat in my face. Even my mom ignores me for that boyfriend. I see her 2 hours a week cause she decided to move in and not tell him about me, and I have no idea who my father is. I guess hes dead by now. I used to have dreams, but nobody wants to hear me ***** about my childhood aspirations. Oh and as you can tell my language vulgare’d up pretty quickly. I have been here before, so many times. I know theres no turning back after that month. I never had any sort of companion in my life. I’m too nice. Isn’t that such a horrible quality. I just can’t fucking controlmyselffromsmashingsomething. I’m not a rich kid, I’m not a cool kid, I’m just an average fuck. I can’t do this much longer. Nothing is gonna change. I’m not in a band. I don’t have a companion. I don’t have shit. No point in typing this. I can’t stop my problems. I tell myself that things get better but they get worse. All I want to do is hurt everybody now. This wasn’t my fault. If everyone didn’t have to act like a hardass it would help. Now I’m giving this a month. I want to hit someone so badly. I came from the mall and watched all the couples blow off my “Hi”s. I can’t fucking relax. I haven’t slept well. I can’t sleep at night in fact. All I think about is a Utopia where people can understand simple happiness. What am I talking about. I’m just gonna end up dead.