Please, I need some help. Forget about what causes it; I’m just sick of being in pain. I notice that I can have a few good days during the week if I’m lucky, but the rest of the time I’m in pain and I’m just tired of it. And it’s such a shame to throw away a potentially good life, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I can really see how good it can be if my mental handicaps didn’t bring me down all the time and I just keep saying to myself, “It’s not fair.” I don’t know what this came from or why I got it, but this depression has really gotten the better of me and it’s demonstrable through my actions as well as my head.
I’m tired of being “teased” by seeing my fellow colleagues go about their business with nothing crippling them. Everyone has their own problems, but they’re SO MINOR compared to someone with a mental disorder like depression. I suppose the severity of them is really relative, but from my eyes their absolutely managable to say the least. I am tired of this pain and I’m tired of the prospect for a brighter future when one has yet to come for so many years now. I can’t seem to get into a relationship, I don’t have a real value system, I’m constantly worried about my phsique, I can’t stand to be around my parents when they eat or have the tv on at night, and so much more. I am just bombared by realizations and mental handicaps and I’m tired of hoping for a brighter future. At what point, even if I knew for a fact that a brighter future awaits, do I decide that the pain I must go through to get to there isn’t worth it? It’s just a real slap in the face knowing that it’s potentially there and that everyone around me has it already.
My performance at work is greatly affected, I often feel “out of it” or depressed when having simple conversations with people, and I’m rarely stimulated by the content of those conversations. I don’t care about a lot of nonsense that people discuss, but I wish that did. I wish that I could function normally. I’m tired of being surrounded by monkeys. I don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t want to die, but I also honestly don’t want to continue living with the quality of life that I have maintained for quite some time.
4 comments
First of all I like your post, you describe how you’re feeling so well. I am the same. I can only tell you my opinion and my decision, I am not saying that you should do the same so it is not advice.
I felt like you for 10 years, first few years I coped much the same as you did, then my depression became too extreme for me not only to not go to work but to even go to the corner shop. I sunk into such a deep pit of loneliness and despair, and I didn’t need to do that as I had many friends but they became a nuisance trying to help me when they didn’t even understand the tip of the iceberg, I may as well have been talking an alien language.
So then I tried to find a more truer purpose to my life and volunteered in charities and was preparing to go abroad with a group of others that I had met online to build a school. But everything started slipping downhill again when I once again saw that I was working with as many monkeys in the charity than i was at my 9-5 (in fact, more!).
People have lost all notion of what is important. i would love to be able to say to you that that isn’t always the case, but it is. I now know that there are only 2 things I can do;
1. Put up with it and do whatever I can to cope, think of it like a prison sentence, and know that occasionally you get one or two good days.
2. Kill myself.
There is NO alternative for someone like me, and the only people to try to insist that there is are in a better place than myself so the advice is bollocks. I’ve tried to do option 1 for many years and I can’t do that anymore, so I am now studying death options, as in suicide techniques but also science and spiritual views on death. I have found that this is helping a lot.
This ‘hope’ that all the luckier people tell us to keep searching for and believing in is no better advice than telling someone to live solely in case they win the lottery, the chances of winning the lottery are so slim that you would have to be a fool to ever think that it really could happen. Same with the notion that one day this depression will disappear and you will like life again, for the rest of your life.
Tom: I’ve got a secret for you, no-one is REALLY happy, even those who seem like they are have issues and troubles. Some are just better at ‘getting on with it’ than others and finding something that distracts them from life such as their friends or their family or a hobby, or going out dancing, or computers or films, books etc. I notice that the ones who are quiet and distance themselves from the crowd always end up getting depressed, when all they really need to do is keep going and find something to distract them. Life doesn’t have a ‘meaning’ you make your own meaning and most do that with what I’ve described above. You just need to stop thinking so much.
My heart is so in pain & frustration right now with everything in this world,..but if there’s one thing I really want to say, it’s that I wish I could ever meet a person like you in my real life..I really mean it. Cuz everywhere I go, I NEVER seem to able to find genuine, no BS person like most of the people here in this website..and that sometimes can really be sad and frustrating, isn’t it?
I hear you on that niki, it’s a very lonely place to feel this way and it makes me wonder if any of it is even worth it. Check out a video I just posted up, it might make you feel a little better, or at least broaden your concept ? xx