FOREVER.
Strong word, isn’t it?
When I was little I thought it meant that you could never stop loving someone, no matter how hard you tried because nothing could ever tear you apart.
Turns out thinking like a little kid means your unaware of reality.
“I’m never going to leave you Vi, friends forever”.
That’s what Alyson said to me the day before I went over to her house. I told her I had made her a friendship bracelet at camp, one of those stringed ones with the beads on them. It had one letter in the middle, one little letter.
an A.
“Hello?” the door to Alyson’s house was cracked open, the lights werent on and the house seemed rather dreary, like it was drenched in morbidness.
“In here”, a small, meek voice whispered.
“Mrs. Tucker?”
“You can head on up Violet, Alyson’s waiting for you”.
I was terrified. I’d never seen Marilyn Tucker look so sickly and depressed, sitting in an armchair with her head bent low. Everytime I came over she was always smiling and seemed happy to see me, she always said I was like another daughter to her. Now it was as if all the life had drained from her, like all the happiness had been sucked up by a dementor.
I didn’t respond, just headed up the stairs to Aly’s room, which if possible was even darker then the rest of the house; the root of the despair.
“Aly?” I called, peeking through the door.
“Violet”, her voice was barely audible.
I walked into her room, turning on the beside lamp. She was hooked up to a respirator, holding the mask to her face. She took the mask off, trying to smile with lips that were the same shade as my name; purple as a plum.
I sucked in my breath. I’d seen Alyson look sick but never this sick. This was beyond anything I could ever imagine, it was something that came straight out of my most horrid nightmare.
“Hi” I choked.
Alyson tried her best to smile at me, “You said you brought me a present”.
I nodded, taking the little pink bracelet out of my jean pocket and slipping it onto her wrist. I held her hand up to her so she could see it.
She laughed raspidly, “What’s the A stand for?”
“It stands for Alyson, silly”, I placed my hand gently on her shoulder.
“I made you a present too while you were gone”, Alyson raised her other hand shakily, her fist clasped around something tightly.
I snorted, “you didn’t have to make me anything”, I took it from her.
“Iwanted too”, Aly whispered, her teeth were chattering.
I gasped. It was a bracelet just like the one I had just given her. The beads were the same type, except they were a light purple shade, my favorite color. The thing that was exactly the same though was the letter smack dab in the middle.
an A.
“Aly, it’s beatiful”, I breathed.
She swallowed, “I’m glad you like it, I thought you would”.
I put it on my hand, admiring it.
“What’s your A stand for?” I asked, smiling shyly at her.
Aly grabbed my hand, pulling me close to her so I could hear her.
She closed her eyes, revealing that the tops of her eyelids were almost the same shade as her lips.
“It’s stands for always. I’m making you a promise that even though I’m going away from this world, I’m not leaving you. I’ll be in your heart, always”, she raised her hand up to my heart and placed it there.
I was frozen, I could feel the hot tears streaming down my cheeks, they stung like daggers. I knew this was it, she was finally leaving me. After all this time of praying endlessly for her to get better, of begging for just a little more time with her, it was all over. My time hadn’t just run short, it had run out.
I closed my eyes, “Please don’t go”, I whispered, my voice cracking with every word.
“I have to go”, Aly said.
She wasn’t scared to die, I knew that about Aly. She was scared of leaving me alone, scared that I was not going to be able to take losing her like this. She was right to worry too, I didn’t just want her to stay with me, I needed her to stay with me.
I climbed up on the bed with her, curling up beside her and letting the tears just fall and fall.
Aly stroked my hair with her shaking fingers, “Violet, you’ve done so much for me, more then you could ever know”.
I couldn’t stop crying long enough to tell her how I hadn’t done a thing, it was her that had taught me so many things about life, things I would never ever forget.
“I love you, Al”, I murmured into her side, clasping my hand in hers.
She squeezed my hand one last time, “I love you Vi”.
Her hand went limp.
The truth about forever: THERE IS NO SUCH THING.
8 comments
Exactly, so this pain wont last forever. Neither will you but your best friends pain will last a lifetime if you cant live for you both 🙂
I can’t believe Aly’s gone. Truth be told I didn’t comment earlier was because this story, and Aly’s death, made me cry. I’ll miss hearin about her. Stay strong Vi.
~Evergone
Wear her bracelet and remember it does stand for always. It stands for always do for both of you now that she is gone.
She might not have been afraid to die- because she had you and knew you would have double the full life for both of you when she was gone.
I was excited to see a post from you V.E.B. but now I’m actually crying a little. I can’t believe Alyson’s finally left us. I mean I don’t know what I expected to happen its just it still seems shocking to me somehow.
That is so sad, fucking tragic.
I’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes trying to get a grasp on how I feel and put it into words. Alyson’s death gives me a strange mix of emotion. It makes me feel very sad for one. Even though I didn’t know her, never met her, because of your amazingly well written posts, I feel like I got to know her in a way. I told you that when I first came to this site one of the first posts I ever read was the story of how you two first met in the hospital. Then you have done such an excellent job of updating her story and your relationship here, making sure that all the wisdom this little wonder shared with you was shared with the world too.
I also feel really awful, just guilty and remorseful. I’m so angry with myself for squandering my existence when such a sweet CHILD had their life taken away. I hope that it was peaceful and painless, she deserves that much. I know you have said Alyson would disagree with this statement but I still feel like my life should be traded for someone like her’s. . . a person who is innocent, un-jaded by life, and who has the ambition to make the most of it, a person pretty much the exact opposite of me.
Sigh, fucking tragic.
I’m sorry I don’t mean to whine, I’m sure you feel just as bad or worse. I know how close you two were. I truly hope that you are ok. You have allot of support here at the site so don’t be afraid to reach out. I will try my hardest to be positive for you and not my usual negative Nelly grumpy bastard _ self. Looking forward to reading more of your amazing writing.
@ Everyone who posted a comment on this: Thank you all for being so comforting and supportive. Im sorry I dont have much to say other then thank you, i just wish I had Aly back so much. She doesnt want me to blame myself in any way for her death but i feel SO guilty. I mean I know her dying isnt my fault, cancer takes lots of lives and theres nothing i can do about that, but i just feel like I couldve made her time here less…stressful. I mean Aly was always worrying about ME when she shouldve been focusing on HER. She was always so selfless and giving, never once did she complain to me about the pain, even though I knew she was suffering greatly. I dont think ive met a person as strong as her before, and i douby that ill meet someone as strong as she was. No matter how young she was, she knew more then anyone else could have. All ive got left to say is the world, as well as me personally, has suffered a great loss because Alyson Tucker was one in a million.
can I say something really briefly & to-the-point: I think you have somewhat a gift for writing creatively. I really honestly do, after reading your post.
If there’s anything I want to say, it’s that you perhaps could start really honoring her (Alyson Tucker) by doing something with your creative writing gift, and combine it with such huge, immense inspirations you’ve gotten from her.
I really strongly believe that you would touch many hearts with ur writings, even though you might know those people you’ve touched with your words! …like me & what I plan to do with my music compositions 🙂
“it is not about winning awards, it’s about what you do with your gifts/talents that matters” 🙂
Keep her in your heart- do things for her- guilt is a normal feeling often left for those who proceed the victims of it. I have lost many close people to cancer…. Its an emotion I get every time.
Stay strong honey- I agree that your writing is amazing. Have you thought about writing some stories about your time with her? Thins you 2 did- or places you talked about? Write down her life with you in it- but don’t end the chapters that were meant to be yours… Keep going and raise awareness and do all that you can. Be proud of who she was, and more proud of yourself for making her last moments the best… That was all you and noone else.
@silentangel: thank you so much! Ive written other posts about my time with her and thought about writing a whole novel before but….im not sure about that one. I MIGHT do that. You seem like such a nice person, Alyson would’ve liked hearing about you:) I used to tell her about people on this site all the time and how much they all cared for her even though they’d never even met her. She blamed it all on my “amazing wirting skills” but its more then that….its just that, it was ALYSON. You couldn’t help but like her, she just had this aura about her all the time that made you want to know who she was. I’m going to miss that about her a lot. I’ve lost my very best friend in the whole wide world, but I know she will be okay now. Alyson’s not afraid of anything.