Hi, I have been reading posts for the last few days. I am a 45 year old mother of two teenagers, and have been emotionally and sexually abused in my first marriage, for 12 years. Although this is now more than 10 years ago, now it has come back to haunt me. I’ve had depression before, but this time it is very serious, I’ve been in and out of a psychiatric hospital this year, been seriously depressed for about a year now. Today I more or less decided that enough is enough, and I will end my life in the next few days. Tomorrow is my older son’s 17th birthday, I will stay around for that, and a few days beyond that, so that he will not associate his birthday with my death. I am thinking of Thursday or Friday at the moment. I have researched and selected the Helium method, and have sourced but not yet bought my supplies.
I say “more or less” decided, because I am acutely aware what this will do to my children. When I made the decision to die I was so elated and relieved, I felt liberated and free, but looking at my children I feel desperately sad and guilty. I have plenty of professional help available, but I am not sure whether they can really help me anymore. If all they have done so far has not made me any better….???? I get better, ever so slowly, work so hard, and then something happens and within a day I am back to square one. I have wanted do die for so long, so badly, I cannot even imagine how life could be like without that death wish. Tomorrow I will buy the helium.
13 comments
for a Start my freind im sorry i dont have your name but we will make do haha i just want to say well done for staying around this long and you must have a fair bit of fight in you. you still go to work. you stay around for your sons birthday. my name is kyle i have been stuck with bi polar and a personality disorder for about 7 years of my life. i can relate to how you feel.
your stuck in a place you hate. nobdy seems to care. you hold up ur fake smile for other people sake. i hope you dont mind me asking but you say enough is enough what is it that you have realy had enough of?
i see something good in you as you wish to use helium and that is not a painful way of diening so you dont want to punish yourself thats good in a twisted way i sepose 🙂 . i hope that you will have some time to write back to me. DONT EVER GIVE UP. SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE AND DO NOT LET THAT BE YOU. much love kyle
Thank you Kyle. My name is Angelika. No, I am not working, I was training towards a new career for the past three years, but that all came to a stop when my depression became so bad at the beginning of the year that I had to be hospitalised. The thing is, people do care, I’ve got plenty of support. Despite that there is that pain inside me that just won’t go away. Also fear, which is I guess the effect from the abuse, post traumatic stress disorder I was told. I have been in hospital, I am on antidepressants, I used to see a psychiatrist, and I am still seeing a psychologist. I have a husband who loves me, but does not handle me being depressed very well. At the moment he is away working. He does not know I have slipped down so badly.
What is it I have enough of? It’s that pain inside me, that seems to make LIFE ITSELF painful. It is the struggle of fighting against the temptation to kill myself, always focused on what it would do to my family – knowing it would be soooo easy to do, and I want it sooo much, but cannot do it because of my family. That fight takes up all my energy. It is the disappointment when I have been better for a few days or even weeks, and than I crash again and am as bad as before, and not just for a day or two but for weeks and months. It almost would be better if I hadn’t had all that support and professional help, because I am like this DESPITE all of that. Where is hope to supposed to come from if you already have tried everything?
unsual name very pritty though:) im stuck with KYLE haha. im sorry i picked up on a few things wrong there :S.
i realy dont have the answers for you but in some ways it looks like you already no the impact it would have on the world around you. i dont think there is a bigger thing to keep your head above water for your famly i dont think there is much i could say as you already understand it all. but why do u feel that you have to kill yourself to make everything better what is that thing that triggers you into a downwords spiral. i feel its not the fact of trying to change how you feel i think it might be stoping the trigger. if you are this low right now you do realy need to tell your husband or someone close.
i will be back on later to speak 😀 x
No, I don’t even think that killing myself will make everything better. It will only make my pain stop, it’s a very selfish thing to do, it will be better for me, because to not exist will be better than to exist in permanent pain. It will start a lot of pain for others. I know that. I just have nothing left, no strength, no hope, to fight against it. I may, or may not, pull the emergency break and go into hospital again. But I don’t really want to, I don’t think they can really help me any more than in the past. I am posting here I guess to have some human contact, even if its only online, because it’s a very lonely place, once you have decided to die, not being able to tell anybody.
Angelika, I totally understand how you feel I also have PTSD from sexual abuse & like you take meds & see professionals. I came here as my close friend had a similar childhood & last weekend took his life, instructing me to come here and post for him. I have been amazed at just how many people are like me/ us & feel there is no other way out. He had a family too…it has destroyed them totally. Now im not saying that to try and talk you out of anything if your mind is made up but I would like you to consider everything please. I would love to hear from you, even to confirm your intentions. You are so not alone, I know it feels that way, it’s part of our conditioning..my email is gwf9965@hotmail.co.uk
I know I am probably not in the right place to say this (as I’ve never experienced childhood abuse)….but along with that one post that said “People are people. so it is false/wrong to expect them to be perfect, because we are here to keep learning” , I just want to ask this:
Forgiveness.
much of the pains is caused by feeling guilts, ashamed, fears, and many other things.
so,.have you tried to *forgive* yourself, and the perpetrator? forgive…because we are all just people, a mere human beings, who are not perfect, far from it. but we can learn.
and by forgiveness, maybe then we can start advancing with our life,
and like many wonderful people here, perhaps to use your painful experiences, to create a meaningful changes with others, to help the other wounded souls, to prevent these things from happening to other people, and many other things.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: there *are* perhaps still ways to keep/continue Living (instead of seeing no alternative than to end it all)…but only when you’re ready to want to *advance*, and the only way to do that, is perhaps most probably, first and foremost, is through forgiveness…forgiving.
I know it’s not easy,..heck, it’s never easy if one experienced all these terrible things. but maybe it’s true that we can either use these painful experiences to either get drowned in the hopelessness, or we can use ’em to grow. grow stronger, and hence, creating stronger changes, connecting and helping other fellow souls.
let me know what you think ok.
may Peace be with you, whatever path you choose, my dear friend.
and know that no matter what past things have happened,
you are still LOVED here (there are still people who care for you here, as you can see).
You are still one worthy soul, person, individual, human being, to be LOVED.
You are worthy, my dear friend… You are worthy, to keep living this life.
Thanks for all the lovely comments. There is a lot of truth in them. I have tried to move forward. For a while when I was feeling better, I even visited regularly a friend who was in the same psychiatric hospital where I had been, to help her through her experience, and give her hope. And I did, and I had hope myself. Then a small thing happens, in this case a fight with my husband (who is I have to emphasise not abusive, but has a problem dealing with his fears and emotions), and his behaviour reminded me enough of the previous abuse to trigger my trauma response, and the decent from that is rapid, absolute, and I cannot do a thing to prevent it, I can see it happening as in slow motion, and I go down down down. Now for the past three weeks there was no joy, only the desire to die. I have proceeded with my plan and today ordered the helium bottle; I will not get it until Saturday, then I have until Monday morning when I am supposed to return it (it’s hired only). Whenever the boys are out of the house reliably for any length of time. I am about 80/20 sure now I will do it.
I sort of know I am worthy to be loved, but I cannot love myself. My psychologist tells me I am only bent, not broken, but I am convinced I am broken beyond repair.
I understand about forgiveness. I am not obsessed about being angry or wanting revenge on my perpetrator. He is well out of my life now. I was abused not as a kid, but as an adult, in a 12 year marriage, but I was set up in my childhood to expect abusive behaviour as normal. That’s why I did not leave for so long. It destroyed my soul. It destroyed my ability to feel prolonged happiness. It destroyed my ability to believe and trust that true and sustained happiness, or even contentedness is possible. It makes me fearful about each and every human encounter (hypervigilance). I only measure my self worth by what I can do for others, and at the moment that is next to nothing.
Enough rambling, I’ve got a birthday cake to bake, and another 5 or 6 days of pretending to be happy, and setting my affairs in order, and either getting ready for the end, or mustering up the courage to once more subject myself to the mental health system.
remember your husband,your kids? you will be dropping your pain to them if you die .i hope you no that. its horrble to say but i have to point out the obvouis. you can get better i was horrbly abused when i was a child i have been dealing with that for 7 years. it only gets easyer to cope with. still as painfull but more vauge. less raw. and toughned. trust me please dont go you will have 3 people you love with prombles in a way like you
You are of course right, Kyle, thank you. As long as I have any strength I will stay alive. I can’t bear the thought that my boys will suffer the way I do. What helped you to deal with the abuse???? It would really help me to hear more about that.
Talking about my feelings here has helped, like a pressure valve getting rid of some of the pain. Enough so that turning to my psychiatrist etc seems more doable again. I was afraid of the humiliation to go back to the psychiatric hospital a third time, afraid that my husband won’t cope with it. Last time he couldn’t cope, and barely visited. Rationally thinking though, the alternative is infinitely worse, for them anyway.
PS: I am in Australia. My timezone may be very different from yours. It’s late at night here now.
Angelika – 50/50 remember…one day at a time…I just replied to your email…mail me back anytime.
Oh and going back to get help again isn’t defeat – it’s a positive step fowards to ongoing recovery.
Only you know you Angelika – it has to be about what you want, I will help as much as you want me to and I’m sure others will too. Your family doesn’t have to understand you or what happened, they just need to continue loving you as I’m sure they do…very much. 🙂