I’m drowning. I keep trying to come up for air – trying to find some hope, but no matter what I do, I’m being pulled under. And the reality is… it’s only a matter of time before I drown.
I’ve been trying so hard to tread water. But this ball and chain tied to my foot – this ball and chain of physical and emotional pain – it keeps pulling me down.
I do have a life jacket on. It’s composed of friends, my doctor, and my mental health counselor who all really want to help. But it just brings false hope. They don’t seem to realize that the weight of the pain is pulling me down faster than they can pull me up.
I am so tired of hurting. I can’t keep fighting the inevitable. Unless someone can physically remove the weight that’s relentlessly pulling me down – that constant pain that was once only physical, but now has also become so emotionally distressing – I know what’s going to happen sooner or later – I am going to drown.
Part of me feels so relieved to have accepted that, knowing my struggle will soon be over. But part of me wishes that if I would just hang in there longer, keep swimming with everything I’ve got, someone will find the right tool to free me from this fate. But even if I was set free, wouldn’t there be another ball and chain just around the corner?
I’m so tired of holding on to false hope. I’m choking on the water. I can’t breathe anymore. I can’t keep struggling to stay afloat when I’m being pulled down so forcefully. I am tired of trying. I am tired of fighting the inevitable.
Drowning is not the way I expected my life to end, but I didn’t put that heavy ball and chain on my foot. I didn’t ask for this. It’s just what life handed me. Life is so very cruel. But life always comes to an end, and that thought itself is comforting.