I was the 2nd illegitimate child of an irish woman in the 1960’s. Both she and her family hated me more than her ‘first mistake’. I am still haunted by this at age 41. A father of three children and a moderately successful entrepreneur witha good education that I got between beatings and humiliation.
I was beaten with savagery and my now grown up siblings are parents and choose to deny my existence than admit the fun they had in the entire debacle.
I know that it was a form of abuse on them too but at the time they loved it and I was a great way of getting rid of frustration… but that doesn’t help me at all.
I am the banished shame. I am the unclean… the sin.
It’s hard to be a person, father, husband, lover… it is so hard when it comes down to the real foundation of my beginnings.
I want to die and I want to live… and I want live like a dead person thereof.
I destroy all my close connections before they destroy me. I am like a zombie and I have tried so many times to take away these feelings.
I am popular, male handsome, and dote on my loved ones but there is always the rift to be maintained and there are hard expectations on my part. I am a person who feels that the universe regretted my existance and that I am a tumour in my family, my plant and this universe that tries to make it so hard for me yet has spared my life in so many incredible ways.
I love beautiful sunny days like this yet I cower behind closed blinds and experience as a spectator.