I was the 2nd illegitimate child of an irish woman in the 1960’s. Both she and her family hated me more than her ‘first mistake’. I am still haunted by this at age 41. A father of three children and a moderately successful entrepreneur witha good education that I got between beatings and humiliation.
I was beaten with savagery and my now grown up siblings are parents and choose to deny my existence than admit the fun they had in the entire debacle.
I know that it was a form of abuse on them too but at the time they loved it and I was a great way of getting rid of frustration… but that doesn’t help me at all.
I am the banished shame. I am the unclean… the sin.
It’s hard to be a person, father, husband, lover… it is so hard when it comes down to the real foundation of my beginnings.
I want to die and I want to live… and I want live like a dead person thereof.
I destroy all my close connections before they destroy me. I am like a zombie and I have tried so many times to take away these feelings.
I am popular, male handsome, and dote on my loved ones but there is always the rift to be maintained and there are hard expectations on my part. I am a person who feels that the universe regretted my existance and that I am a tumour in my family, my plant and this universe that tries to make it so hard for me yet has spared my life in so many incredible ways.
I love beautiful sunny days like this yet I cower behind closed blinds and experience as a spectator.
2 comments
by the way you speak you seem very clever.
i have read what you have written to me it seems like your beating your self up for your familys mistakes ( if they ever come to see them as mistakes ) NONE OF THAT IS UR FAULT.
this problem you have is a thing of your old invoremnt. you must over come it for Your childern and i presume wife( sorry if i picked up on this wrong ) because you can give your kids the life that you never had and i feel this is a great goal to work towards. the unversive never regreted you your famly were just horrible to you. i think that shows, you are populare that implies your a nice guy. at the moment it seems like you need to face up to your problems and tackel them head on and enjoy the life that others tryed so hard to wreck. much love kyle i hope we could speak some more
You don’t need your family to feel worthy of LOVE, my dear friend.
Family are just that: people, human beings, who can make fucked-up errors & mistakes.
know that you are WORTHY,
you are one worthy soul, individual, person, human being, to be LOVED.
there ARE people who will love you and accept you as you are, apart from your family. know this.
and know certainly that the proof that you still exist now is because the Universe LOVES you, and you are here, given by this Universe, on this earth, to have a *choice* to do SOMETHING, to pass into other energies in this Universe.
You are part of this Universe.
You are worthy.
especially to know that you’re a good soul, from reading your posts.
You will certainly mean a lot to other souls.
Love is there inside you.
and it’s there for a reason.
Listen to it well. don’t deny/neglect it.
may Peace be with you, my dear friend.