That’s all it would take. One more step.
I don’t expect anyone to reply this, nor do I expect anyone to read this. I just want to vent out feelings I haven’t been able to tell anyone in my life right now.
It’s been a year since I last thought about suicide. Since then, I’ve moved to Australia for college and I’ve met so many new people. I thought this was to be my new start. A fresh beginning from the previous year where friends turned against me. Dispose of my jealous feelings I had towards even my close friends – start anew. I was right, for half a year. Now, on the other hand, is just my past trying to catch up with me.
Despite the arrogance my words may seem to portray, I really do feel that my peers are a selfish and spoilt bunch. Knowing that everything in their life revolves around the words, “cute”, “pretty”, “hot” and “fuck”; their shallow attitude pisses me off. Honestly, I feel as if I cannot connect to anyone. I am constantly surrounded by people I dislike. I feel like I live a double-life. Lying to survive society and lying to myself. I don’t deserve to live. As shallow as my thoughts right now may seem, and at risk of being hypocritical, I rather give my life up so that a child, who wants more than anything to live, can have one – a great one.
Also, feelings of loneliness can’t help but creep in. I can’t speak to my close friends about it because they think that suicide is for losers. They feel sick of having to attend to other people’s needs citing their own problems as reasons. I understand where they are coming from. Everyone has problems. I am at fault for not even paying attention to theirs as well. Then again, they are a shallow bunch, so I don’t expect to understand how serious their problems are. At this point, I’m not even sure whether I have any close friends to share my thoughts, perspective and feelings with. Fuck connections. I feel alone.
Needless to say, feelings of indifference come out to play. I feel nonchalant half the time, the other half – immersed in morbid thoughts. The idea of not living, no longer feeling, no longer sitting here typing this irrelevant post – attracts me. It’s been 6 whole years peppered with thoughts of suicide. At 12, I was almost successful. Looking back, I wonder if that happened for a reason. I don’t know why I was unsuccessful. What is stopping me? Why am I still not willing to take that one more step? If I cannot take the fast escape, why is feelings of non-feelings bothering me? By being bothered by those feelings, I actually feel. Am I a walking contradiction or is the idea of feelings a patch of grey? Where is the black and white in my life? I feel lonely, lost and hopeless. No motivation. Just silent suffering. Maybe death is really the only permanence in life.
Every day, I stare at the trams rushing past me. Hoping for that fatal hit. Except it’s never that easy.
Candles;
Epitome of life,
Single breath,
Flicker – a sign,
Single blow,
No longer living,
Darkness envelopes.
2 comments
One, suicide is not for losers.
It shouldn’t be an option for people, but. They feel like they have no other choice. But, they do. There is always another way to get out of things.
I’ve tried suicide many times. Obviously, the attempts didn’t work.
Why? Because, God has a plan for each and every one of us. Even if you don’t believe in him, he still has a plan. People think the reason why the attempts don’t work is because they’re just doing it for attention. A lot of the time, that’s true. But, on the other hand, it’s because they just weren’t ready to go, God decided that they weren’t ready, they still need time to make things right. But, it’s their choice to change their lives, or not.
Don’t take that last step. It’s an easy way out of life, I know. But, it’s not worth it. I know people who have committed suicide. I think I know what you’re talking about. What you think is exactly what I used to think. Maybe a little bit differently. But, pretty close. Just don’t take the last step. When you’re so close to that step, step back, and think about what you’re leaving behind. It may take a while but, don’t give up. even the littlest things can make a difference. Suicide is not the answer.
You’re not hopeless. No matter what you’ve done, what you’re doing, or what you’re going to do. You are Not hopeless. You’re not alone.
Life is something that throws problems at you, by going on you find people who are actually worth your attention and who are actually good people. I know it seems that your life is a hell hole of insensitive bastards but the truth is, no matter what you do, you will always be around that. Those are the people you shut out and you move on from. I have thought of suicide myself, but something really hits you when you try to attempt it and most of the time it’s too late for people to realize before it’s over. My attempt was to drink some bleach and to die quick, although painfully. I was about to down some when I began to think. My body was in a pattern though and continued while my thoughts were racing. I didn’t back out because I was scared. I backed out because I knew what I was doing would be the end of my life. I knew at that very second that I would regret this, if possible. I made it away with chemical burns on my lips from the bleach drying my lips so bad that they cracked and bled for weeks. To be honest with you, I regret even the thought of it now. You will find people who you will connect too and whom you will befriend. Some who will need your help and those whom will help you. I’m sorry I can’t give you anything more on the advice part other than to keep going and fight back those feelings and thoughts with positivity. I know how hard it really is, but… It’s not impossible. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you take these words into consideration. Don’t do what I did, don’t attempt it, don’t let those feelings win over you. To let them win is to give up on any happy moments that are to come. I’m sure you have plenty coming your way. You just need to wait it out and stride to make your own life better by rejecting access of the “insensitive bastards”. We are a family here on this site and we are here for you.
~Dreamer~
If you wish to message me and talk about anything… I know I am a stranger, but that is often what we need. My E-mail is DCFAA1992@hotmail.com . Message anytime and when/if I recieve it, I will message you the next time I am on. Good luck. We all love you for talking to us first. Stay strong. <3