Being crazy I mean. I am seriously crazy. I don’t blame anyone else but I think the easiest way to understand me is to tell you why I am crazy. I have early childhood memories of my mother selling herself to strangers. We lived in a house with no carpet, nails sticking up out of the floor. I saw her boyfriends beat her, I heard much worse things. I was very young maybe not even two years old… I can remember vividly though. At some point, I can’t remember what happened, my mom dissapeared. I remember being alone in the house with my sisters wondering where she had gone, I don’t know how long she had been gone. We had no relatives and we ended up staying with some nice older people… I wish we had just stayed there. When I was eight my dad showed up out of nowhere. He already had a new family and kids and I remembre thinking even at that age that I didn’t want to be an impostition. It was as if we were a dark secret he never wnated anyone to know about but he took us in out of pure chivalry. My father abused us, and my step mother literally hated us. I would hide in closets and dark spaces and pray that they wouldn’t find me. I just wanted out. My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. At that point my parents sent me away to live with my fathers parents, an older mormon couple. My first attempt was really a cry for help, I wanted to know someone cared about me. I took a whole lot of nyquil and a ton of acetimanophen (sp?) and I remember waking up over and over through the night to throw up, just wishing someone would hear me. Then I awoke in a hospital. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be alright, that I didn’t need to kill myself. I just wanted to be loved by someone. When he sent me away it was crushing. I was a dirty secret and no one could know about me. At that point I started abusing drugs and aclohol heavily. I started experimenting sexually and discovered I was gay. I hate that I am gay. My family hates me because I’m gay. They just want me to dissapear. I do too. At seventeen I started selling my body on the internet after my grandparents kicked me out for discovering I was gay. I needed money and I didn’t know what to do. The problem was I was just spending all of my money on ecstasy, weed, meth, coke, pcp, whatever I could get. Anything to stop the pain. I needed out. I discovered I was too weak to do aything… too weak to quit the drugs, too weak to stand up to anyone, or even ask for help. I knew the path I was on and I just wanted to speed up the ending. One night when I was fucking selling myself again this guy told me I was way too cute to live how I was living. When I was eighteen he flew me out to live with him, I thought everything was going to be okay. He bought me a really nice car, we lived in a penthouse I even won my battle with drugs after being in and out of rehab until I was nineteen. Then he started getting weird. I had to follow strange rules and sign a contract. I had to be naked all the time and if he ever wanted sex I had no choice. He would invite his fucked up friends over too to do what they wanted and If i tried to leave he would tell me how stupid that was and how I could never take care of myself. Finally I just left. I drove from Dallas Texas to Los Angeles and lived off his credit card until he canceled it after three days. The car was reposessed. I was back where I started. I reached out on the internet and found a really great guy. He is amazing… but I don’t love him. I am so fucked up and bringing down his life too. He is so unhappy now and its all my fault. I want to die but I am just too weak to do anything about it. I work so hard, I am in college now. But it all feels like its for nothing… I have no joy and take others joy away too. I need to die so others can heal and forget, but how can I get the courage. I don’t want to be so pathetic and embarassing to everyone anymore. And I miss my family…. if you can call them a family. I went to buy a gun yesterday and in a couple days I can go back and get it so I guess what Im asking is… how can I stop fearing death? I know this was long… thanks for listening.
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3 comments
Do you fear death in general? Maybe you’re just afraid to take your own life? I don’t have solutions for you. I’m sorry you’re so alone. Keep reading this site, it could help with that. I’m still alone, but seeing other people struggling with the same issues is some consolation. Either you could find that you actually want to live, or you could find comfort as you plan your death.
I’ve planned my own suicide out but am quite afraid to actually do it. Perhaps it comes with the territory, to be fearful.
I feel exactly the same way. It feels like all I’m doing is hurting everyone that supposedly loved me. I’m not scared of death, but I’m scared that it could get better, I’m only 18 but I have had enough.
I am not going to convince you to not do it, even in death you can be happy, since life didn’t do anything for you, but do not use a gun. The easiest way out is to go in your sleep. Guns are not always sufficient, and could you imagine waking up in a hospital with have of your head gone? I know this shouldn’t be funny but I am all to serious.
I’m hoping to end it sooner or later, but would never use a gun. Keep your beautiful face the same, so all of those who were ever mean can finally feel the hurt they’ve done on you upon your face.
I’m planning on joining the army, do something for humanity before I die, plus then its not suicide and no one can judge me when I’m dead.
Sleeping pills are easier, a gun is morbid, go the most natural calm way, or don’t go at all.
(Can I just say here that my story isn’t nearly as traumatic as yours? I understand that you have, and are, going through much more than me)
I’m not sure why I decided to read your post, but maybe it was because I knew that I could relate to you when I read “i’m seriously crazy”. Thats exactly what I’ve been feeling. Every time something else shitty happens to me, I blame it on myself. I’m crazy. I cause people to act the way they do. If I wasn’t so crazy, I would have a better life.
But being crazy isn’t my fault. My parents were crazy. They were shitty parents. They’ve been beating each other up for as long as I can remember. They refuse to get a divorce because of culture and religion. They’ve been making my life miserable for as long as I can remember. I used to think that I was strong…from the age of 6, I was stepping in between them to stop them from killing each other. In movies, the kids were always hiding when their parents were fighting. Not me. I was always pushing one off of the other. Only now do I realize that my childhood has made me weaker. Lower self esteem. Paranoid that the world is out to get me. They were also constantly getting into fights about me and they would directly tell me that I was the reason for their problems. I can’t handle failures in life, because I take them so personally. Its always my fault.
That part of my life was always a secret. I went to college and pretended like I had a wonderful family. Maybe a little dysfunctional, but only in the most normal of ways – I never let on what I’ve been through in my childhood. I’m in law school now. I don’t trust people easily, so there were only 2 people who I’ve told this to… and the second that I mention the story to someone, I expect them to be there for me. To take care of me. It hasn’t happened yet. And that really hurts… for once in my life, I want someone else to stop and unconditionally love me. With all my crazy flaws. And when they don’t react in that way, I get upset and hurt. And I get angry at them for the smallest of things. I show the same temper that my parents had….and I ruin relationships. This in turn affects the rest of my life. I start messing up in school, I stop calling my parents. everything starts to go downhill.
Here is my point:
1. We both are copying our parents even though we know its wrong. I’m copying their temper, you were copying your mother’s actions of selling her body.
2. We both have low self esteem. When things go wrong, we’re blaming ourselves instead of the people around us. I keep forgiving this guy for acting like a jerk towards me…and you keep blaming yourself for brining someone’s elses life down.
3. We both are not finding satisfaction with our lives even though we could potentially turn our lives around. You with college, me with law school.
4. We both feel like we can’t handle any more craziness in life because we’ve already been through so much. Another upsetting situation sends us deeper into the self-destruction cycle.
But unlike me, you have the luxury of no attachments. You have no one around to remind you how bad it was. You can completely erase the past, and start over.
If I were you, I would stop and ask myself “should I have to pay for my parents mistakes?” If you kill yourself now, that only means that you were never able to take your life into your own hands. Take your life back and mold it however which way you want! You aren’t bringing anyone down, but if you feel that way, then let them go and start over new.
Seriously, I don’t want to see you go. You’re further down the path than I am, and seeing you fail at life is going to make me lose even more hope.
You fear death because you know that its not your time to die yet.
PS. one of my best friends is gay. =)