Being crazy I mean. I am seriously crazy. I don’t blame anyone else but I think the easiest way to understand me is to tell you why I am crazy. I have early childhood memories of my mother selling herself to strangers. We lived in a house with no carpet, nails sticking up out of the floor. I saw her boyfriends beat her, I heard much worse things. I was very young maybe not even two years old… I can remember vividly though. At some point, I can’t remember what happened, my mom dissapeared. I remember being alone in the house with my sisters wondering where she had gone, I don’t know how long she had been gone. We had no relatives and we ended up staying with some nice older people… I wish we had just stayed there. When I was eight my dad showed up out of nowhere. He already had a new family and kids and I remembre thinking even at that age that I didn’t want to be an impostition. It was as if we were a dark secret he never wnated anyone to know about but he took us in out of pure chivalry. My father abused us, and my step mother literally hated us. I would hide in closets and dark spaces and pray that they wouldn’t find me. I just wanted out. My first suicide attempt was when I was 16. At that point my parents sent me away to live with my fathers parents, an older mormon couple. My first attempt was really a cry for help, I wanted to know someone cared about me. I took a whole lot of nyquil and a ton of acetimanophen (sp?) and I remember waking up over and over through the night to throw up, just wishing someone would hear me. Then I awoke in a hospital. I wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be alright, that I didn’t need to kill myself. I just wanted to be loved by someone. When he sent me away it was crushing. I was a dirty secret and no one could know about me. At that point I started abusing drugs and aclohol heavily. I started experimenting sexually and discovered I was gay. I hate that I am gay. My family hates me because I’m gay. They just want me to dissapear. I do too. At seventeen I started selling my body on the internet after my grandparents kicked me out for discovering I was gay. I needed money and I didn’t know what to do. The problem was I was just spending all of my money on ecstasy, weed, meth, coke, pcp, whatever I could get. Anything to stop the pain. I needed out. I discovered I was too weak to do aything… too weak to quit the drugs, too weak to stand up to anyone, or even ask for help. I knew the path I was on and I just wanted to speed up the ending. One night when I was fucking selling myself again this guy told me I was way too cute to live how I was living. When I was eighteen he flew me out to live with him, I thought everything was going to be okay. He bought me a really nice car, we lived in a penthouse I even won my battle with drugs after being in and out of rehab until I was nineteen. Then he started getting weird. I had to follow strange rules and sign a contract. I had to be naked all the time and if he ever wanted sex I had no choice. He would invite his fucked up friends over too to do what they wanted and If i tried to leave he would tell me how stupid that was and how I could never take care of myself. Finally I just left. I drove from Dallas Texas to Los Angeles and lived off his credit card until he canceled it after three days. The car was reposessed. I was back where I started. I reached out on the internet and found a really great guy. He is amazing… but I don’t love him. I am so fucked up and bringing down his life too. He is so unhappy now and its all my fault. I want to die but I am just too weak to do anything about it. I work so hard, I am in college now. But it all feels like its for nothing… I have no joy and take others joy away too. I need to die so others can heal and forget, but how can I get the courage. I don’t want to be so pathetic and embarassing to everyone anymore. And I miss my family…. if you can call them a family. I went to buy a gun yesterday and in a couple days I can go back and get it so I guess what Im asking is… how can I stop fearing death? I know this was long… thanks for listening.