I’m sorry if my problems seem stupid to anyone on here, you all are talking of politics and spirituality and deep issues and so my problems seem so superficial but I can’t help who I am, and I’m rapidly becoming suicidal due to it.
I took pills and booze 5 weeks ago, I woke up 2 days later, I didn’t tell anyone. You see, on the face of it, I look like I have it all and I’ve hidden my feelings from everyone the whole time. I feel like I can’t say any of this to my friends or family.
I thought I always knew what I wanted to do with my life but now I feel like a huge failure in life. What I wanted in life was to only be gorgeous so I could model. I got my boobs done and worked in a lap dancing bar as well as doing photo shoots. My parents hated it but I was so determined I was doing the right thing. I’ve had plenty of partners (though I’m not a slapper or anything). But now I’ve turned 30 and I’m quickly realising that my looks are gonna fade and I can’t be doing what I’m doing much longer. But no way can I do a 9-5 job. Men are useless and never tell the truth and only want one thing then they go off and marry some overweight mousy haired career woman! I feel so stupid and alone and like I’ve done it all to myself, but I only ever wanted to be happy. I’d rather be dead than face my future.
11 comments
Hmm, surely you knew that your looks would fade, couldn’t you have prepared yourself better? You are just at a new phase of your life now, you have grown up and now know that big boobs and male attention isn’t the only thing that makes the world go round. You MUST have known that your ‘career choice’ of lap dancing etc was not going to work in your 30’s? I don’t really know what else to say, I’m sorry you feel so shit about everything.
What about working at the dancing bar did you enjoy the most? Was it seeing yourself as a powerful and sexual person? Did you enjoy making others happy?
You mention your former partner went off and married another woman who wasn’t as appealing as you, leaving you feeling sexually used. (Which you were.) Unfortunatly, your low self esteem which prompted you to get your implants, opened you up to be sexually objectified; And because of the universal law of attraction, which says like-attracts-like, you attracted equally low self esteemed men, which used you to boost their own self esteem and then ditched you for another woman that they thought matched them better.
I’m sorry for the way many men are. I know you are looking for something to fill that void inside you, but most of the time all you will find is more pain. You just can’t give up hope.
It’s not just the big boobs and lack of career, I still look good and can keep earning money (good money) for a few years yet (and there’s always botox when things get too much lol). It’s just that I have now found that I want a totally different life to the one I have been living all these years. I want something more meaningful but I have no idea how to get that. I look how I do and so people don’t take me seriously, esp men. I would like a more meaningful relationship with a man but nice guys don’t want a ‘glamour girl’ and the other guys just are arseholes.
You need to pretend to be the kind of person you want to attract until it becomes the change becomes permanent.
alluvion that’s interesting and insightful. I don’t know about my ‘low self esteem’ though cause I was always a pretty girl. I just wanted big boobs cause I like the look of them and clothes look better. They’re not MASSIVE or anything. In answer to your question, I liked dancing in the bar (I still do it btw) cause it pays a LOT of money, and it’s cash. I like working at night and sleeping late, going to the gym during the day and I only have to work 3 nights a week and I earn more than my friends do in their 9-5 jobs. I love the attention that men give me in their, but now I don’t love it so much. I would love to do something clever or at least meaningful. I was always proud of what I did but now I lie about it. I can’t explain it all very well, I just feel like absolute shit all the time.
alluvion – what does that mean?
It means it’s time to move on and learn to love yourself. How was he expected to respect you when you never fully respected yourself? You might think that statement is false, but I think your opinion of yourself is based entirely on what others think of you, which is why being on the center stage was so addictive for you. You are addicted to the feelings of worth your job gives you because you never developed your own.
Now is the time!
If you can find something that you truly love about yourself that doesn’t stem from how someone else sees you, then you’ll slowly understand your worth from there.
Your still young. Go back to school. Get a teaching, nursing etc. credential you can use for the rest of your life. The lap dance thing will be a good story to tell your grandkids someday. My buddy’s late grandmother was a madam during the second world war and he’s pretty proud of that. Don’t let any experiences with guys taint you. There are a lot of decent guys out there who don’t want to marry someone just because she’s “safe and boring”. Just don’t be a man-hater and the right guy will show up. You can still have fun with the dating process in the mean time. The Mr. wrongs just make Mr. Right look that much better.
I meant YOU’RE still young (not your)
I agree with hazydays. You are young enough to still find something meaningful to do. I think a career counselor would help – they can help you figure out what type of career would be best for you, with your input and participation in the process. You like your schedule as it is, but a 9-5 job isn’t that heinous. 🙂 Of course, this is coming from a mousy-haired career woman (not overweight tho!). There is a lot of life left for you to live. I feel you will only continue to feel like shit if you continue in the path you’re taking now. You’re dissatisfied, so its time for a change. Check out your options, and don’t see it as lapdance vs. 9-5 job – there are a LOT of in betweens out there. Best of luck <3