When will time make things better?

People say time heals all things but this is not true for everything. I’ve been depressed since I can remember….Always hating myself and the way I looked and my bisexuality and just everyone that ever hurt me or made me feel worthless and inadequate and ugly and stupid. For more then a decade I have been suicidal and I have attempted many times and there isn’t a day were I don’t contemplate putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. Metal pain killers, take 1 and sleep. Is suicide really the only cure for me?

I feel so sure of it.

My chest hurts, my body aches and my hands tremble and I cry. I get so frustrated at times my head feels like it could just pop like a balloon with too much air inside it. Dirty air that pollutes my mind and makes me feel terrible.

Everything makes me feel terrible. When my family argues, when I see a perfect person with no care in the world, when I look in the mirror, when someone stares at me or mocks me…when I talk to people and they can’t understand. I know the world is a huge place but I don’t have the resources to travel too far to get away. I’m sure there is a place for everyone in this world but where exactly is my place? Is it thousands of miles away on a hill somewhere? Is it behind a forest of trees? Is it under a mountain of snow and clouds? Is it hiding away in a building in a city on the other side of the world?

I wait and I wait but nothing gets better!!! It just gets worse and worse and all I get to look forward to is small bliss shit and joy from spending money. Life is nothing more than a glorified shopping spree. You learn and learn and then you get a good job and you spend money and that’s pretty much it. I don’t want to live my life as some money making guinea pig that’s around just to consume and consume till I die. But we humans are just animals and that’s what animals do, they consume till they die. Sure some of us may do amazing things but that’s only a few out of many that actually matter in the grand scheme of things. Most of us will just go through life that is of no importance to the world. I know my life serves no importance and that my suicide wouldn’t matter for long. Yes there will be some sadness for a short while but I have been sad for over a decade now and I still pulled through as long as I did so why can’t they pull through too? I’m just so sick of being called lazy when I just don’t care anymore. About my body or health or furthering my education or my future.  Ok I am lying when I say I don’t care anymore….I should say I just have no motivation or self esteem or any strength left to use. When someone lacks motivation to do difficult things and simple things they wont go far. I’m going nowhere fast.

I am but a pebble  on this planet and when I am gone other pebbles may weep for me but the world will move on and I enjoy the idea of that. I am too small for my suicide to be considered selfish. It’s been nearly 21 years and anyone who ever loved me or still loves me got their share of my existence and should let me go. Let me cut myself away from the world and float up into the stars and disappear.

Love Groteske