that when I say to my husband that I’m depressed, I feel numb, that the only thing I need is to be left alone in peace and to rest a little, it is EXACTLY when he becomes more and more nitpicking, trying to force chores on me and raising his voice while it makes me feel more and more numb? I barely can feel the points of my fingers now. I feel so inutile, so irresponsible, so overwhelmed… I’m pregnant and I’m not even sure if I should be putting another kid in this world. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such a coward… If I had courage I would have an abortion, but noooo… I’m still too traumatized after losing 2 babies 14 years ago to even consider it without crying for days. I’m no good to my son, what good a depressed mother can be to a teenager? And here I am, doing it again. I’m too coward to put an end to it all, I love my son too much and know he’s too young to understand and I know he would suffer so I try to keep myself alive but I’m so so so so alone, so terribly alone and even the people that should be by my side can’t understand or help or even listen to me. do you know how I feel? Like I’m cursed and comdemned to live because people around me will suffer if I die. But I must suffer, in silence, alone, to save others of the pain my death would cause them.
I wish I had the courage to off myself when I was 14, when I was 16, when I was 19… I feel trapped, and it was by my own stupid willing to try and live a fucking normal life. I guess the joke will always be on me.