Don’t even deny it. You could fear the pain, if it fails and you have more pain then before. Maybe you fear the afterlife? No afterlife? It’s a reason most people keep going. Everyday I think about an escape from school, from grades, from drugs, from my family. But then, I still feel that i’d miss so much. I’m 15, and I don’t feel like I can wait until i’m 18 to get out of this. It’s so confusing. I’ve tried to kill myself before and dealt with self injury since I was 12. I never realized how much of an affect it had on some one to find some one they love possibly dead. I can’t do it while my mom is still alive, and I can’t deal with this. Even if my mom sobered up, even if my dad died when I was 5 and I should move on, even if I can defend myself when my brother hits me, even if I could get good grades, even if I could stop doing drugs. I just feel like i’m in too far.
I suppose I COULD deal with it. But I get too much shit from teachers and cops. I’m not going to pay attention, i’m not going to do the homework. Why can’t they understand that? Yet the only sweet escape would hurt everyone I know. I’m just scared..
2 comments
Yes I fear the pain of it. I also fear what it would do to everyone who knows me. I keep a good cover. Nobody knows that I spend about every hour of every day wishing I didn’t exist, or hoping to go to sleep at night and never wake from my dreams. I tried and failed. Damn blood clotted. I ended up in a psycho ward where I heard some girl screaming like she was being burned alive – freaked out and struggled to help only to be stopped just as I got to the door – turned out to be imaginary spiders. That freaked me the hell out. Other things though – in the past – I’ve left in the past. Perhaps to my detriment. The drugs booze etc – yea me too.
Homework – almost never. Tests – meh – 50/50 via osmosis 🙂 Cops – would like to say I trust them, but have discovered they are usually the guys who get beat on in school, and later they hand them a gun & badge, they’re out for revenge on *everyone*, and usually aren’t that bright, save a few. I’ll never call them again.
Tried a car crash once. It just hurt and got me arrested. Now that I think about it, I’ve tried
a number of things – but when it came right down to it, putting a .45 to my head and pulling the trigger hoping the safety would fail (did that a lot) was about as ballsy as I got (aside from opening my arm that one time from midway to my palm). I used to hurt myself too – purposely crash my bike – beat on myself (which is harder to do than it might sound) etc.
I guess I’m mainly agreeing with you, but I’m 46 years old now – and still kicking.
And not all that time has been bad, so I guess I look for the breaks in the clouds of life that let the sunshine in. And it does happen. 🙂 So watch for them.
jeff
hey,after reading this post i felt so bad for you,your circumstances do sound truly awful,but you should know before making any decisions that freedom comes with age,your only 15 and there and many authourity figures pressing down on you,i.e. police,teachers older brother etc. but these people will loose their power over you day by day as you get older,i made it all the way up to the age of 18 and i cant stress how worth it persevering is,you have your how life ahead of you and the best years are just around the corner,jeff is right,if you look for the breaks in between the clouds you will notice them appear more often :D,i hope if nothing else you at least find this thought as a source of comfort and good luck with your life
John