Hi there, I am a 17 year old girl living in Australia. I have never told anybody about what goes on inside my head. I have never told anyone how sometimes I lie awake and I think about dying. I guess I think they wouldn’t understand.
I don’t know when it started. I suppose it was kind of a progressive thing – with all the little misfortunes adding up to one complete breakdown. I started having problems coping with my year 12 – something that meant alot to me. Also, Â family problems escalated and after that I began having serious money and relationship problems.
I haven’t bought anything new for myself in over 6 months. My boyfriend, of 2 years, got himself into massive amounts of debt and before I knew it my fortnightly payment of only $100 (considering he gets $1400 a fortnight) became his money when he’d run out of money in the first week. I suppose I didn’t mind at first, I was happy to share, but now I feel so much unwanted resentment. The worst thing is I don’t even completely feel that emotion – Sometimes I love him dearly, and it doesn’t take much to make me feel happy with him… but then he does something again and I stew on it for days. It would be easier to just hate him.
Year 12 meant alot to me. And i’ve pretty much failed. Emotional turbulence has probably been the biggest cause of this – as well as my (lets face it) depression. I hate myself more and more everyday for not passing. I’m angry I didn’t get help. I blame myself for not doing something about it while I could. I am angry that I couldn’t. Depression killed me. I used to be the happiest most outgoing social person in the whole world and now I want to die. I don’t want to get out of bed, I am not motivated to try anymore. I feel like I am a failure.
I can’t sleep at night. I sometimes lie awake and think about life and especially about God and what comes after you die. Sometimes I cry, because it helps me sleep. When I am very stressed I wake up during the night.
Because Ive been so full time into my relationship I’ve lost touch with many friends. I feel alone. I feel like there is a void of blackness which I’m slowly sinking into. I feel like I’m powerless to stop it, sometimes I wonder whether I can even stop it now.
My mum doesn’t have time for me and my dad is never around. Mum is single mum of four and Dads a drug addict. So basically mum is home everyday yelling and cleaning and stressing and I have no doubt she has severe depression as well. The problem with this is that she offloads all her problems onto me, so then I have this gigantic ball of problems to think about. And my dad does the same, and my boyfriend. I am essentially a very very caring person and will not turn down somebody if they need to talk, ever. I just wish someone would do the same for me – I just don’t know who to turn to anymore.
I feel lost and I don”t know who to turn to. My boyfriend wouldn’t understand, he takes mental illness very lightly and regards people who talk to themselves as “crazy”. God I wish he would become a little more knowledgeable and accepting. I have and still do always present myself to be happy and without a care in the world. I am ashamed of my depression and suicidal thoughts which is why I don’t ever tell anybody. I don’t want to be labelled, I don’t want lots of people asking if I’m okay. All I want is to be myself again. I want to be happy.
4 comments
Well you won’t be judged here. Can I just say that I feel for your mother. She is stressed and probably rightly so. It is a difficult world out there as it is and to be raising four children on her own is tough I’d suspect, given the age of your siblings. Can you and your brothers and / or sisters help your mother out more? Financially or with any chores around the house? May be a chore for you guys but think of your mum battling all this on her own. Does she have a partner to turn to when she needs someone to talk to etc? I understand why you feel depressed though but I also wonder if in your case, besides issues with your boyfriend, if you can help bring some joy in to the household by helping out mum, it may bring a bit more happiness into each and every one of you living there. Just a thought for consideration.
Doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is worth keeping. There’s much better out there. And my mom used to do that to me too, blame me and expect a child to fix the problems of a grown adult. Which is why eventually I left home and then eventually stopped having anything to do with her.
The thing is, when I’m considering adding a new friend to my circle, I look at the friends and relationships they already have. If they have a lot of energy-drainers in their circle or people who “use” them, then I know it’s only a matter of time before my new friend starts bringing *their* friends around. So their taste in friends does affect whether or not I would consider adding them to my own circle…
Anyway, if you’re 17 then it’s not too much ask that you be able to do your own laundry etc. and help out a bit around the house, IF that is what is bugging your mom. I used to clean the bathroom at least once a week and make dinner one night a week but anything would help really. Take care.
Hi,
What I am seeing in you is what I have seen in many. Beautiful people being victimized by abusers and instead of hating those abusers, they end up being depressed and yet they cling to their abusers over and over again.
I have to have an understanding that you are 17, and I have it, but since you posted your case, then, I might be able to speak up for you:
1) Get rid of that negative relationship with that that you call your boyfriend. No honest man, no true gentleman takes the money of a woman, let alone a young girl, depriving her of her needs, and in order to pay his debts. He is a piece of undeserved man, and you are so valuable that you must start seeking for a man up to your quality from today on. Dont argue the point, just do it, you will feel much better. You would be surprised how it could change your life. It would have to be someone like me, with my values, but younger so that it meets your age range. A real man lives his life to cheer the life of the woman he loves, not to live off her.
2) The profile of your harrassed mother yelling here and there is very very typical in certain layers of society, not to mention being the wife or exwife of a drug addict. However, again, I see you are extraordinary in your intelligence and ability to asses things, very mature. Therefore, you must plan your goals for yourself, stick to them, dont make yourself be dependent on your mother or on your rumbling father. Yes, it may be hard but it is not SO hard, you are healthy, young and intelligent, that means you can achieve whatever you want, provided you really have clear and good goals, I am referring to your education, job etc.
3) Just think about this, you can be a lawyer, or a web designer, or whatever a profession, meet a real good, caring young man and that is it. Leave the rubbish behind.
Even though yes, I read you are now overburdened with the stress that your mother is inflicting on you, you are intact, fully operative. So, start learning, start with your education, even if yells at you while you are with your books at home. Eventually you can leave for college next year. In Australia and Anglosaxon countries, studying is quite an easy thing because of the flexibility they offer, you can part time work etc. So, in 3 or 4 years you are all set, with your diploma and your brand new shining boyfriend.
I wish I could be there to mentor you, but at least, if you read and do, then it will be just as good. Come on girl you are young, you are 17, I wish I had the clarity of mind that you have when I was your age.
best hugs
A
few questions to ask to the commenters (and perhaps could also be useful to help the thread-starter):
@mintyfresh: can I ask how old were you when you left your home?
and also, did you already have every practical details planned & done beforehand, such as finding appropriate apartment/place to live on ur own, a job (for the income/money), etc?
@justalvaro: allow me to ask how old are you now?
and now to the OP, I do totally agree with what the above commenters said, especially justalvaro when he said: at least you’re still 17 and already able to think clearly like that! I’m now 28 and heck, I’m still having somewhat a problem of being ‘energy-sucked’ by my parents, and I’m actually now *seriously* thinking of HOW to be independent from them ASAP. I don’t much really care about being part of a ‘Chinese culture’ which have always emphasized on filiality to parents etc, because I’ve seen and heard too many cases of kids’ life in a sense (or even literally) being RUINED just because they listen ‘too much’ or heed the WRONG words from their own parents.
I always believe that no matter how many experiences they’ve had, parents are still ordinary human beings, with their OWN traits, characteristics, and weaknesses, as a person/human being. Humanity is fragile. that’s why my advice is also the same: NEVER let yourself get down/depressed and ‘soul-sucked’ because of other people, even if it’s by your own parents! (a parent can do a mistake, even terrible one sometimes! use your own heart to discern it), and also to *forgive* them for ‘being human’ to commit some errors. Again, they’re just normal human beings who often err. We are not gods. we are not perfect. But we can always choose to keep moving forward and do the BEST in each our every endeavor/effort, for a more better and meaningful life.