This might take a while, but it’s a lot I have to deal with (though I know it’s not as much as some people).
I’m a sophomore in high school, wondering if I should kill myself. I’ve tried before, but every time I failed, sometimes because I couldn’t do it fast enough before someone came in and stopped me.
I know I have so much going for me, but all of it is also the reason I want to die sometimes. I’m on the swim team, one of three things that I truly love. But sometimes everything else makes it too hard for me to even function correctly, and it’s happening way too much.
Like for the latest meet, I was supposed to do a relay, but just that morning I was coughing up blood and downing pain pills and I was afraid of all the people; It was too much for me too handle, and I mentally shut down and didn’t do warm ups. I didn’t swim, and it caused the three other girls to not be able to swim the relay. I feel horrible, especially cause at least one of the other girls really wanted to do the race, and because of me she couldn’t. But what can I do? I’m not strong. I’m not good at holding back my fear. The only way I can is to shut down.
And now even I’M not sure if I’m on the team anymore, and then coach told me about how I messed up the race for the other girls. He didn’t say that, of course, he was merely telling me that I can’t keep doing things like this that affect the team. I know that.
And it doesn’t help that I’m shutting everyone I know out, and distancing myself from the two real friends I have. I don’t want anyone to hurt if I decide to kill myself. I don’t want anyone to wonder where I am. I want to be invisible, so no one is bothered if I die.
But everyone on the team is too nice to let me be invisible. They care enough to say, “Hey, why didn’t you swim today? Is everything alright?” and it’s tearing me apart because I just can’t tell anyone the truth, that I’m trying my hardest to fix everything and it’s not working, and I’m about to go off the deep end yet again.
I know them all. Maybe not every single person by name, but I know them. And I hate that I might be messing them up in their own race.
Swimming isn’t the only thing. School is driving the pressure straight to me, because I can’t keep up. I can’t focus, I’m not understanding anything, so I can’t get any good grades on homework or tests, and I’m too scared of people to ask for help as much as I need to. And if I don’t do well in school, everything I care about is going to be taken away from me. I can’t let that happen, but I don’t know if I can stop it. I’m trying, but it’s like I’m about to flip turn at the deep end and suddenly forgetting how to swim, how to move, and slowly sinking to the bottom and not being able to push off and go up for air. I’m going insane because I can’t keep up. I just… I just can’t do it anymore. I want to… I need to, so I can get where I want to be, with the one person I care most about. But if those things are taken away because I don’t know how to keep up, then how am I even going to try? I’m pretty sure I have at least one learning disability, but no one’s able to help me with it because my parent’s haven’t bothered to get me checked for one. Sure, they play the part of the supportive parents in public, but at home they’re strangers. Strangers who know how to hurt me to the point of killing me emotionally.
And now I’m going completely insane. I have a split personality, and she’s scaring me. Not her, but what happening because of her. I used to actually believe she was an actual person, until my boyfriend and I figured out that it wasn’t possible. Because she knew things that I’d never told anyone, and told them to others when she thought I needed to but wouldn’t.
She came to be after I almost got raped… a mental protection, something to help me. But because of her I’m forgetting things, unable to function like a normal person. And it’s scary because she’s HER, but also ME. Like every time she stops me from killing myself by telling others, I’m betraying myself. And I never know who she’s spoken to next. She’s “talked” to my boyfriend, my friend, and I’m pretty sure she’s sent something to coach. I specifically didn’t say anything to these people because I didn’t want them to know.
So far, she, my boyfriend, friend, and swimming have been the only thing keeping me alive, but I’m not sure if I can hold on much longer, even with their help.
Can someone help me? Anything, even if it’s just an opinion on whether I should just kill myself, or try to keep going? Anything, please.
9 comments
My opinion won’t matter against your own thoughts, i know. But all i want to tell you is that your life is much more valuable than what you believe it to be. You have to think of all those people your still alive for. Think of how your departure would affect them. People care about you. Why would you want to put the ones you love through pain. Your not weak, if you’re still hanging on. Don’t give in to depression. Keep fighting, girl.
Of course you should keep going. If you’re still deciding right now whether to kill yourself or not, it means that you still have hope in yourself. That is always a good sign. You still have your friends and your boyfriend to support you, which will help immensely. You should definitely talk to them. If they truly care for you, then they will do whatever they can to help you.
From what I see, you definitely want to continue swimming. Don’t leave that. Follow and pursue it. If something is bothering you, don’t be afraid to tell your coach about your problems. If you feel scared or intimidated, ask someone to accompany you when you go talk. That always helps me.
I don’t know how your school system works, but I would suggest dropping courses (if that’s at all possible) or replacing some classes with a lighter load. If that doesn’t work, do you have classes with your friends? If you do, definitely ask them for help.
I hope this helps a bit. I’m sure other posters on this site can provide even more insight than myself. You seem like a really great person. Not everyone can swim well enough to be on a school team. That shows to me that you have dedication to do something and that is always respectful in my book. It would truly be disappointing to see someone like yourself end your life because you have so much untapped potential. Take care.
I would tend to agree with jpl 613. Don’t try to take the full weight of your emotions on by yourself. Tell someone you trust about your emotions. To quote a well known musician, let somebody else lend you a hand. It sounds like you still have people in your life who care about you. Go to them.
~Mad Vulcan
I suppose I have an odd opinion about things. See, the way I see it, If everytime you try to kill yourself you’ve been stopped, then it’s not because you weren’t fast enough, it’s because someone up there doesn’t want you too. It’s not just that, it’s that your too scared to actually just do it so you let yourself be caught. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not a cowardly thing, we’re all afraid of death and it’s a natural instinct. Honestly, your young, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you and I think that it is in you and your family’s best interest if you stick around, see how life turns out. You may just find you like what you get out of it. I don’t know, maybe I’m overstepping my boundaries a little here. But all I can do is give moral support in whatever you decide on, that’s what this site is for. I know I shouldn’t be gicing you “you’ve got your whole life ahead of you” speech because I am only a year older then you and I haven’t lived either, but I’m sticking around long enough, mostly out of curiousity because I want to see what I make of myself, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure it’s something magnificent. Honestly, that’s my best advice to you. Live whil you can, it’s a privilege.
I have a facebook if you ever want to talk or you can email me @ rerdmank1@gmail.com if you have any questions or just need someone to talk to who knows how you feel.
~Violet Blake
It sounds like to me that there are a lot of expectations on you to perform? If this is correct, is this coming from your parents? This high expectation needs to be sorted and you may need to invite a third party into this if need be, such as a counsellor who can articulate to your parents that this has to stop as it is ruining your self, ie self-esteem etc. Also the split personality, are you saying this is another personality / entity using your body to speak?
@ surrealisr: I’ve tried getting help from a third party of sorts, but it turned out that they didn’t believe that my parents put any kind of pressure on me. And it didn’t help that my parents are good actors.
With the split personality… basically. It’s like another person inside my head that can “take over” at any time, but in a way she’s still me.
I heartily agree that you should continue swimming. Exercise can be a huge aid in battling depression, and as you LOVE doing it, its really important that you continue doing it! At this point in your life, you should definitely be surrounding yourself with things that you love. Also, I find it will be a great distraction from distressing things that are in your life right now… (I have recently learned how valuable having good distractions can be, in times of anxiety, stress, and depression/loneliness).
As per your coach, maybe you should talk to him and tell him whats up. I think that he would probably be pretty understanding. Maybe you could just not compete in relays anymore, where you potentially dropping wouldn’t hurt anyone else?
One other thing that kind of concerned me was you mentioned taking pain pills and caughing up blood. I don’t know what kind of pills you’re taking, but pain meds will make your stomach bleed if you take too much. With ibuprofin, you can only take 1000mg per dose MAX, and that’s for adults! With regular over the counter pain meds, it doesn’t matter how many you take, they still aren’t going to cut any MORE pain.
Lastly, you talked about a split personality at the end of your entry. My ex girlfriend had the same condition, and modern docs call it disassociative identity disorder. It might help to talk to a counselor – perhaps you need to work out some of that stuff that happened with your traumatic experience, in order to break free of that. I know there are some medications that can help with that too, but you’d have to see a psychiatrist for that. Whatever you do, its just important that you do SOMETHING. Have you talked to your parents about your split personality?
I really feel for you. I can’t even imagine how hard all of this must be, at your age! Hang on to your boyfriend, and keep swimming! Surround yourself with things you love, and when you get really down, find a distraction. Eat right and get plenty of exercise, and try not to overdo the pain pills =D
Feel free to email me @ cvanagas@gmail.com if you EVER need anything.
hey, goto my profile and read my post, trust, me its not worth diein over, nothing is, life is so much better, my opion would be goto a hospital and admit yourself, ask for help there is nothing wrong with knowing that you need help and, you need to do it for yourself, nobody else, im 23 im a survior of a attempted suicide, i have 54-60 stitchs in my arms, its not worth it at all, ima drop my myspace here if you need anything dont be afraid to add me or message me, http://www.myspace.com/markh12405
Thanks, guys. This helps a lot. I guess I know that suicide really isn’t the way to go… but you all know how hard it is not to at least consider it sometimes. Thanks for the support.