This might take a while, but it’s a lot I have to deal with (though I know it’s not as much as some people).
I’m a sophomore in high school, wondering if I should kill myself. I’ve tried before, but every time I failed, sometimes because I couldn’t do it fast enough before someone came in and stopped me.
I know I have so much going for me, but all of it is also the reason I want to die sometimes. I’m on the swim team, one of three things that I truly love. But sometimes everything else makes it too hard for me to even function correctly, and it’s happening way too much.
Like for the latest meet, I was supposed to do a relay, but just that morning I was coughing up blood and downing pain pills and I was afraid of all the people; It was too much for me too handle, and I mentally shut down and didn’t do warm ups. I didn’t swim, and it caused the three other girls to not be able to swim the relay. I feel horrible, especially cause at least one of the other girls really wanted to do the race, and because of me she couldn’t. But what can I do? I’m not strong. I’m not good at holding back my fear. The only way I can is to shut down.
And now even I’M not sure if I’m on the team anymore, and then coach told me about how I messed up the race for the other girls. He didn’t say that, of course, he was merely telling me that I can’t keep doing things like this that affect the team. I know that.
And it doesn’t help that I’m shutting everyone I know out, and distancing myself from the two real friends I have. I don’t want anyone to hurt if I decide to kill myself. I don’t want anyone to wonder where I am. I want to be invisible, so no one is bothered if I die.
But everyone on the team is too nice to let me be invisible. They care enough to say, “Hey, why didn’t you swim today? Is everything alright?” and it’s tearing me apart because I just can’t tell anyone the truth, that I’m trying my hardest to fix everything and it’s not working, and I’m about to go off the deep end yet again.
I know them all. Maybe not every single person by name, but I know them. And I hate that I might be messing them up in their own race.
Swimming isn’t the only thing. School is driving the pressure straight to me, because I can’t keep up. I can’t focus, I’m not understanding anything, so I can’t get any good grades on homework or tests, and I’m too scared of people to ask for help as much as I need to. And if I don’t do well in school, everything I care about is going to be taken away from me. I can’t let that happen, but I don’t know if I can stop it. I’m trying, but it’s like I’m about to flip turn at the deep end and suddenly forgetting how to swim, how to move, and slowly sinking to the bottom and not being able to push off and go up for air. I’m going insane because I can’t keep up. I just… I just can’t do it anymore. I want to… I need to, so I can get where I want to be, with the one person I care most about. But if those things are taken away because I don’t know how to keep up, then how am I even going to try? I’m pretty sure I have at least one learning disability, but no one’s able to help me with it because my parent’s haven’t bothered to get me checked for one. Sure, they play the part of the supportive parents in public, but at home they’re strangers. Strangers who know how to hurt me to the point of killing me emotionally.
And now I’m going completely insane. I have a split personality, and she’s scaring me. Not her, but what happening because of her. I used to actually believe she was an actual person, until my boyfriend and I figured out that it wasn’t possible. Because she knew things that I’d never told anyone, and told them to others when she thought I needed to but wouldn’t.
She came to be after I almost got raped… a mental protection, something to help me. But because of her I’m forgetting things, unable to function like a normal person. And it’s scary because she’s HER, but also ME. Like every time she stops me from killing myself by telling others, I’m betraying myself. And I never know who she’s spoken to next. She’s “talked” to my boyfriend, my friend, and I’m pretty sure she’s sent something to coach. I specifically didn’t say anything to these people because I didn’t want them to know.
So far, she, my boyfriend, friend, and swimming have been the only thing keeping me alive, but I’m not sure if I can hold on much longer, even with their help.
Can someone help me? Anything, even if it’s just an opinion on whether I should just kill myself, or try to keep going? Anything, please.