I am going through an upsetting time right now. It is enough for me to have almost ended it all a few times already. What keeps me from doing it is my family. I can’t bear to let them go through the anguish of losing me. I feel so trapped. Words are just words, they soothe the pain slightly, but not enough.
I have lost several days of sleep over this as it goes and torments me in my head and heart. The one I loved the most, my partner and my rock, is leaving me. And to make it worst, I am the one who pushed her away. My stupidity, my ignorance, and my lack-of-perceptionÂ led to what is happening now.Â Unfortunately, this is the second time that this is happening, and this time it is the last time for her. What I would give for one of those memory erase pens from MIB. I could just erase away the pain.
I am walking that fine line right now. With the lure of escape pulling me one way, and my friends and family pulling me the other. I am grateful for the fine and wonderful friends I have. But I have not the courage to tell them how my heart is crushed so. I am a man, and that is how a man reacts. Be strong, stand tall. I do that with a great deal of pain to hide the pain, but for how long can I hold on? This morning I almost collapsed in the middle of work, only to catch myself barely in time before anyone noticed. I almost got into a head on collision, since my head was so pre-occupied with the stress. I am afraid my body will just do me in, without me knowing.
They say time heals all wounds. I wish it were so, and I wish it were quick.