Defining Normal, At Last

I lost my virginity.

Scandalous, I know. Now don’t worry, I’m not going to give you ALL the graphic details-that would just be cruel-but I am going to tell you why it happened.

I was at a football game on October 28th and it was only around 7:30 (yes, I memorized the date and time this happened), and I was sitting alone as usual waiting for the game to be over so I could travel on to the bonfire where I could meticulously think about wanting to throw myself into the flesh-eating flames. I don’t know why I had decided to drag myself to the game, it wasn’t very entertaining, but I had counter-acted this with the fact that if I was here then I wasn’t home by myself wallowing in self-pity. I find that when I am alone at my house all I think about is suicide and cutting and just death in general. When I’m alone, I’m dangerous.

“Hey there, your Violet aren’t you?”

I didn’t even see when he sat down next to me with his bright smile and fixating green eyes that seemed to sparkle everytime he batted those long lashes of his. I was taken aback by the fact that this guy was even talking to me, I knew who he was, but there was no way he had any idea of who I was, not in a million years.

“How did you know?” I let out a tight breath, my heart seemed to be trying to rip out of my chest and I could feel it incessantly pounding up against my skin.

“Oh, Dayton told me your name earlier today”, he shrugged, still grinning.

I laughed quietly to myself, someone actually knew my name! What a nice surprise.

“I’m Ricky by the way”, he stuck out his hand to me.

I shook his hand, it was so warm an inviting. My stomach fluttered with nerves. Of course, I already knew who he was, this was Ricky Underwood, there wasn’t a girl who went to my school who didn’t know who Ricky Underwood was. His reputation as the handsome wrestling star with a knack for sleeping with every girl he came into contact with was well known, even to me, and I was “invisible girl”.

So the night wore on, we talked through the entire football game. Needless to say, I found something far more interesting to keep my eyes glued to. 

By the time we got to the bonfire he had taken my hand and placed it in his, interrwining our fingers together. I looked down at our hands like that for awhile, getting a slightly sick feeling in the pit of my belly. It reminded me of Jimmy, the way he’d taken my hand that first night we’d met again, the way he had held on to me so tight it was like he was afraid if he let go for even a moment I would go running away from him again and he wouldn’t be able to catch me. I tried to push Jimmy out of my mind for the time being.

I had never been to a bonfire before so I was unaware of the way they worked. All the dancing and the kissing and the grinding up on one another, it was all so vulgar and so…Well, high school. When Ricky got close to me though, close enough that I could smell the mint gum he had just been chewing not moments ago, I didn’t protest to him putting his lips down onto mine (sorry if this is too much already, but you’ll deal).  I was okay with that, I had never had a problem just kissing before, and I especially didn’t have a problem with Ricky Underwood kissing me, of all boys. Most girls who hear this will say the same thing, “how could you be that stupid?” And to answer that, I wasn’t being stupid. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into, I knew Ricky’s reputation with women and I knew what the only thing he wanted from me was. But…(this is going to sound very awful) I wanted to use him for the same thing.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Ricky leaned down, caressing my cheek and whispering into my ear.

I nodded my approval and he took me by the hand and led me into a nearby field where all I could see for yards was the pitch dark.

That’s when it began to happen. At first I didn’t know exactly what was going on, and I didn’t expect him too…But, when it was happening, I couldn’t stop it. Part of me wanted too, part of me wanted to scream so loud for him to stop that I would burst BOTH our eardrums, but I didn’t. All I did was bite down on my own wrist, squint my eyes shut as tight as possible, and let the tears slip down from my eyes as silently as possible. Why?? That is the question that rings true in everyones mind. “If you didn’t want to do it, then why did you?”

I admit this may sound like a stupid reason, but I’ll tell you anyways, just because I know you’re all dying to know the answer (pun not intended). I did it because as it was happening, I noticed something inside me change. Not in the way your all thinking, but I mean in my mindset. I’ve heard lots of people, mostly grown-ups, tell me that depression is just a mindset, it’s something that you can change. I see what they mean by this now. All my life, ever since I was eight years old, I haven’t been able to get a good nights rest because everytime I close my eyes I see my rape happening over and over again and I just can’t keep reliving that. But ever since I did that with Ricky…I have slept like a baby. There has not been one night that I have gone to bed and had a nightmare about it, not one! Trust me, I have tried every possible thing I could think of to try and stop the nightmares and the tremors and the screaming in the middle of the night, I had tried everything to stop the depression. Nothings worked, it was always one dead end after the next, until now. All of a sudden I can sleep, I can eat right, I can talk to my mom or my brother without beginning to burst into tears or hit something, I’m finally starting to feel…Well, normal 🙂

In my first post on here I had asked you all one simple question: DEFINE NORMAL. None of you knew the real definition of course, but I feel confident that I have figured it out. All that time ago, well technically it was a year ago, I was so lost and so out of place that I felt like I was missing out on some big secret and everyone else knew but me, so that was why they were always happy and I was always sad. But that’s not it at all, because of this experience I have realized that now I can be whoever it is I want to be, and to think all it took was losing my virginity. Go figure!

So, to all you lost souls who don’t feel normal, take pride in that, because there is no set definition. Normal is whoever you are, depressed, happy, fat, short, skinny, tall, deaf, blind, gay, straight, bi, a midget with no legs and a lazy eye. You are yourself and there isn’t anything weird or freakish about just being you.

Here’s my advice: be normal 🙂