Because I’m started to lose my emotions.
My emotions are the only things I have that help prove that I’m definitely human. They keep me in check and bury my true self far away so nobody else knows.
I just had Thanksgiving with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile since the move. I loved seeing her, but I started to feel the apathy seeping in again. This overwhelming need to just disappear washed over me, and for some reason, it became SO HARD to get rid of. She’s one of the ones who can’t see me like this, I don’t want her to worry about me, she has better things to do than worry about somebody like me.
I don’t know. I just wish I could disappear already. I wish I wasn’t so scared to go through with it. I just wish that I hadn’t tried to reach out so much before. Maybe I would have actually had peace of mind by now. Maybe I wouldn’t be as paranoid as I am now. Maybe I wouldn’t be this hurt all the time, or void of emotion, whichever one I’m feeling since I’m so blank I can’t tell anymore.
I guess I just wish somebody would show me an escape.