I’ve thought about it for more than a year now. Watching everyone die around me feels like more than I can bare. I’m not living yet I’m not dead either. Why am a still breathin? Whats left when you have lost everything? The people you have loved deeply and your heart feels so broken and cold. Then I look at those kids. I see the pain that it would cause them. They can’t bare to lose anyone else even more then I can can. I could never be that selfish. Thought each day I perfect it even more. And I remember what it feels like to bleed. How all the pain in the world seemed not longer be there. I promised the love of my life I would never do such a thing, but still my love seems so far away. I can’t help, but fear who I am losing next. How much more damage can I take. My life has seemed to be nothing, but a compostion of misery and walk threw the firey hell everyone fears. I can’t seem to find a reason why I would have to go through so much. No one seems to understand and its as if when I need them the most they are no where to be found.