isnt much else i can do.

OK so, i just turned 20. i graduated school, and am doing absolutely nothing with myself. my little sister is more advanced in the world, and actaully made college plans, and is only in eleventh grade. Any way, despite the constant hate i get from my sister and my father, i deal.
last year, i became pregnant, by a pretty big fucking scumbag, becase we werent takeing precautions, i wasnt getting my period so i thought it wasnt nessicary. by the time i found out, i was already almost fifteen weeks, i told my mom, and she basically forced me into abortion, my family woulda ben devistated if i had a child. so i did it, to make my mother happy. i was in such a state of guilt and devistation i cut my wrists just enuf to prove what i wanted to prove. i woke up with my boyfriend carrying me into the er. he told me that when i “killed the baby, i killed a part of him too,” and that i was never going to see him. here it is, almost 2 and a half years later, and i dont even get phone calls. he has another girl and a new baby. comepletely broke my heart.
so my life went on, they put me on anti depression and anxiety drugs, and insisted that i continute therapy.
i didnt, tho, becase who needs to talk to someone who looks at the patient as tho she has 7 eyes and 4 noses, ya know?
so 7 months pass, and i had a boyfriend who i lived with. my and my friend had gone to a local carinavil, and clint(the boyfriend) had told me to be at his house later that night, so i wouldnt get locked out.
i ignored his call and he left a voicemail saying that the door would be locked, and he loved me and missed me, to come back soon. i just went on, thinkin i was going to walk a few blocks down and see my man.
well i never went to his house that night, i never got any calls from him or his friends. i was out side, when his sister called me and told me that something awful had happend and she wasnt sure of the details. i found out a few hours later, that he had went to utica, and walked infront of a scx cargo train, and dragged over 500 feet.
they couldnt i dentifiy him for over 2 weeks. i just feel like i could have done something, if i had cared instead of being ignorant and wanting to go out and get drunk he3 would be here right now. they buryed him locally, and i havent brought myself to go to the graveyard yet. i dream about him, i think about him, i stay up for hours and hours going thru clothes and pictures, and facebooks and myspaces. it was a year in august, and i couldnt even go to the memorial. i feel he is “around me” for those believers out there. in the dreams he tells me to come be with him, that no one really wants me here. and i wake up screaming contemplating what i can do.
ive started my old antics, with the self mutilation, and its gotten pretty bad. i just dont know what to do. i miss my baby boy sooo bad,
im so depressed.
no one seems to care. i dont have any friends i can talk to, therapists are too non shilant about things i say.i cut about once to twice every month or so, but the scars are there, and people always ask. i just wish there was a way to fix all of this.
i know that if clint keeps haunting me, and i dont start self-medicating like the old times, then my time here walking this earth will be spent. i feel like my life is a daze, ya know, floating above everyone, not really listening, not doing much, just staying as a witness. please help me.