just wondering.

im 19 years old

i dont know if i am depressed? how can you tell if you are depressed ?

i pretend/feel alright when im around family and friends, and i never really think about it.

but at night(mostly) because i can never sleep till like 5am, i think about how much i hate myself and think about dying. i think about what my funeral would be like. and i cry soo much when im alone. sometimes for no reason.

i always get really anxious when around people i dont know, or if im walking alone, especially at night and when i get home im shaking just cause i always think i will get killed or somethingggg.

i went through a stage of cutting, and then even when id been out and had a good night i would come in and go to bed and just cut my arms. still now if i get really angry i scratch repeatedly at my arms untill it makes a mark. once i scared myself when i was drunk because i thought about trying to hang myself.

the thing is i dont think i actually would everrrr kill myself but i always seem to think about it, and i just hate myself. could it be depression? or do i just need to get some confidence, cause im really lacking.

and the thing is i have the most amazing friends, and nothing bad has ever hapened to me, but i still just hate myself! and that makes me feel even more stupid and annoyed at myself, cause i dont have the right to feel this shitty and low ??

anyway ill stop blabbbing on any help would be great.. i just wanted to know what people think. xx