I’ve been suicidal since I was 11 and now at 19 I am determined to do it propaly in February I had a break down where I nearly went onto the wards and after I recovered I thought that maybe there was a point to life. It was like somebody brought out a blank page and said I could do anything! But these last few weeks when I have restarted school, moved out from a difficult home situation and applied to good universitys I have felt rubbish again. I ought to be feeling better. My teacher’s have been so supportive and have really helped me out over the years but now I feel like they’re just fed up with me. The head of pastoral care looks out for me all the time but these last couple of weeks she’s been dismissive. Everyone keeps telling me I’m fine, it’s just a blip but I’m really not. I’ve told them I want to end it all I want to quit but they say that I need to keep struggling on. I don’t see the point anymore. There’s no emotion to what she’s sAying she’s just being rational. The mental health services here are rubbish and last time they did’nt help at all. My school and me made me better.
My eating has got worse (I’m an anorexic) but I’m not unwell enough to qualify for treatment. Today I ended up going back to school after five because I don’t trust myself anymore. I have the whole weekend by myself and all I can think about it dying. The teachers just seemed fed up with me and said they had no sympathy because I hadn’t eaten so no wonder I was feeling bad. One of them gave me a lift home cos I was too sick to travel. They kept saying they’d see me Monday but I don’t think I’ll make it.
There’s no way out. I’m not feeling any better and even when I do it’s short lived. There’s no help for me. And even those I totally depend on for love and acceptance don’t seem to understand. There’s no plan to help me out they just keep saying I’ll get better… I can’t fix an eating disorder on my own I tried. I think they must think I’m a clingy dependent child. But I have no real relatives and my friends don’t know or understand. Help! If the pain would go away I could live but this illness is impossible to cope with…
6 comments
I can’t tell you that things will get better. But then again, no one can be sure they won’t get better. My suggestion is to do something different. Do something different with your life each day. It doesn’t have to be something drastic, it doesn’t have to be something physical. But something must change. And as you try each combination you my indeed find something that makes you happy. There are people in the world who love you, people you have never even met. that may seem cheesy or rediculous but it is not. There are moments of beauty and love and happiness you will miss and that is more sad than anything i can think of. When i think of dying, i get angry. I get angry and i search for something to make things right. I haven’t found it, but im still here… im still looking.
what’s your email? Trust me, I’m in the same position. I’ve been struggling with depression and anorexia for a long time. Mine is tropical_princess8@hotmail.com email me
It’s hard to determine whether your a female or not. I don’t see why I even said this when it doens’t matter..
Down to the point!
Hello there, butterfly_wing! I’m GoingUp2Down. I’ve recently joined this website just last week and have taken it upon myself to help others feel better about themselves and their lives. I’m not exactly sure how I’m doing since I never really recieve much input afterward..But yeah!
Maybe school isn’t right for you, right now? School can stress people out. And with your condition, I think you’re too vulnerable to being hurt, whether it be emotional or physical. I’m a believer of philosophy and try my best to understand those who suffer. I believe one has to understand themselves before they can undertand another. Have you tried understanding yourself, Butterfly_wing? It helps when you try talking to yourself. If there is anyone who is out there to listen, who is out there and able to understand you, it’s YOU.
Try elaborating why you feel the way you do. Take the time to talk to yourself and say, “Why am I the way I am? Who am I? Why do I do the things I do?” Or questions like, “What am I aiming to achieve? What would I like to achieve? How can I achieve it?” Or my personal favorite, “What do I like to do? When do I do it? Who do I do it with?” That last question I don’t really bother asking myself too much. I prefer to be alone at times when I’m reading, listening to music, or just hanging about (I’m not lazy :P).
We all have a limit, Butterfly_wing. No one is invincible. No one is perfect or picture perfect. We all have flaws. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable with your figure? But what would doing what you do (anorexia) make you feel comfortable? Perhaps you’re looking at it the wrong way. Maybe others feel fine with the way you are and it’s just you being self-conscious?
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, Butterfly_wing. I honestly don’t. I’m just trying to figure out ways to make you feel better. I hope this message reaches out to you in the right way.
“Sometimes all it takes is for people to establish their priorities. Then with order, you may find peace.” – Albert Robinson aka GoingUp2Down
If you want to e-mail me here’s my address.
albert.j.robinson@live.com
Thanks for the messages I feel a bit like a lighthouse beaming out a message to the dark not knowing if I’d get a response. It’s reasurring to get some 🙂
GoingUp2Down you’re probably right about priorities. But there’s no way that I’m going to quit school getting to Uni my priority. There I can start my new life and escape.
all the crap that is my family, and meet other people who understand me. I’m just trying to hold onto that and keep going right now. I’ve been awake all night and I’ve been thinking a lot. I think it all comes down to guilt. I feel guilty that I couldn’t protect my mum from my dad, that I can’t fix my ill brother and that I need much help and attention. Sent a really long email to my teacher saying sorry. But I think she’d be more happy if I started believing in myself. I’m going to start reassessing my life and rebuild it peice by peice had a drink and a chocolate bar this morning for energy and a bath to make myself presentable seeing my friend tomorrow. Baby steps 🙂 Coldstream it’s been a longvrealisation surviving day after day isn’t attractive but we’ve got to hope. Just need to cling to the fragment in the void and until there is nothing left for us we’ve got to hold on.
Take care xxx
My email is pandora217@hotmail.co.uk
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butterfly – The light must be glaring right now because I am thinking about you, and I am here. Anytime. I NEVER SLEEP! mrslindseylambert@gmail.com
Goingup2down – You’re doing an amazing job now. I hear realistic feeling in your responses, You aren’t all rainbows, sunshines, and BS, but you say hey.. maybe there’s another choice. I love you.