Although I may never commit suicide
I spend parts of each day thinking about suicide –
Thinking about how I lack the courage to do it.
I wake in the mourning with 60 per cent depression.
That’s how it remains for the whole day,
Except for the odd occasion in a year
In the doorway or on the street I meet by chance
For a few minutes a woman passing-by
Who has the time to stop and talk for three minutes
Or five minutes or even sometimes seven or eight minutes,
Who rocks back on her heels in her pink, hooped skirt
With laughter, no matter what the topic.
Depression and despair are two different states
Of mind, not having a lot in common.
Although I have 60 per cent depression, I do not despair.
I do not see eye to eye with Samuel Beckett
Who disapproved of suicide and who promulgated
The doctrine of ”going on” for the sake of ”going on”.
Estranged from my family, if I do not soon
Take my own life, others will take it from me –
Hooded males with knives in their tracksuits
Or medics in their scrubs prancing corridors
Or cowpat-faced ward sisters smirking
Or ice-cold proprietors of old peoples’s homes.
How is it that you do not see it, Samuel,
That I do not want to go on for the sake of going on –
Seeing the same old, tired-out impressionist paintings again and again?
Men are such po-faced bores.
Each one of them an editor-in-chief.
I wand to stand still by the water’s edge.
I want to hold a woman’s hand for the last time.
I want to fill my pockets with Palaeozoic stones.
I want to open my eyes.
From the collection Praise In Which I Live And Move And Have My Being (2012).
Ugh. I feel like I’m falling behind everyone. Like, I used to be top of my class and now I have a D in WHAP. (AP World History). I can’t answer anything correctly and like, every time I think I know the answer and pick it I end up missing the question no matter how much I study. The AP test is Thursday and I am so so so not ready for it. I’m studying like crazy and I still think it’s not enough.
Like, I’m not even supposed to be here yet I am and then I can’t see myself next year and I can’t anymore. Like I rly just want to die. I can’t write, I can’t focus, I can’t learn, I can’t do anything right. I’m just a failure. I should just do everyone a favor and kms.
I have no friends at school and my friend from last year isn’t really my friend and I think we’re drifting so I have no friends that I can talk to and all I want to do is go back to DBT Group where I had friends and people I could talk to and relate to and I didn’t feel like I was annoying them. I think I’m annoying everyone. Like ugh. I’m just a nuisance and should just kms.
Hell. It’s either death or blood. I dunno. I’m done trying to get better.
GENDER IDENTITY STUFF
Nvm. I’m too lazy. I’ll deal with this later.
I still remember when I first found this page, and well, so many things have happened since then. When I look back at the past years, it gets blurry. I can remember some events, and it is hard to explain, but it’s like they are just there. I feel dissociated from them. And it is like I forget about them unless I am really thinking about them or I have one of my off days. I thought that I had gotten better at handling myself, and for a while, it was true. But this year, as well as the last months of last year, have made me feel mentally exhausted. I feel tired all the time, and when I arrive home from school, the first thing that I want to do is sleep. I used to have insomnia but it went away on its own. I guess that nowadays my sleeping schedule is off, really off, and recently I have been having really bad migraines. I have medicine for them, but sometimes it feels like it does not work, and taking more than I am supposed to could be very bad for my health. There are days where I almost spend the majority of sleeping. And even when I wake up, I’m still tired. I guess that one good thing is that I only have one week left of school, I can do it. The bad thing, on the other hand, is that my school isn’t the most forgiving with the workload that they give students. And even if it were an easy subject or one that you like, you keep adding project after project, and eventually it’s too much to handle. And for me, it doesn’t help that the latest projects and assigments that we have been doing are in teams. I don’t particularly hate being with people, but I dislike it. If I can, I avoid being around them. Even with my friends, there are limits to my contact with them, and that severs any ever lasting bond that we could create. It certainly isn’t any help that I can’t tolerate any loud soud, because of my migraines. There are times that I’m at school and my classmates and friends are macking a lot of ruckus. And when I complain abouth these kinds of things with my mother, as calmly as I can, she just says that I’m just doing a tantrum. I am god at anger management, but sometimes, I can’t help but snap at her. And when I do, I feel exhausted afterwards. That’s it for now, Bye!
i hate my life.
i’m in my last year of high school and all the pressure is on me.
i have to get into a good university to get a degree to get a job and make lots of money for my family.
my mum is mad because my younger brother is pretty “dumb”. Teachers say he’s work doing work or paying attention in class. So my mum is worried that he’s gonna fail school.
she was ranting as usual, but today was worse. She asked me “haven’t got homework?” I said “it’s the weekend” she just ignored me and continued saying “instead of watching that stupid show”.
i guess she hinted at me that I have to do well in school otherwise my family is done for.
yesterday i was explaining how we write English essays at school. Bad mistake.
as much as I want to die. I can’t. …doesn’t stop me from cutting though.
i have no friends.
i haven’t attended school for two years.
my family are abusive.
my life is a mess, and i can’t clean it up.
i have nothing going for me,
and i am going nowhere.
i’ve ruined myself and my life.
I am 16 and in a week I’ll be 17.
Today my dad spoke with my teachers and talked about how I’m doing in school (grade 11).
The usual stuff they say:
• I’m quiet
• I sit alone (in some classes)
• I don’t participate in classes
those kind of things.
My teachers also said how bad I’m doing. And my parents didn’t react that well.
My dad is pissed at me.
And my mum hates me. She always says that “I’m useless” and that “no one will hire me for a job” and that “I’ll be picking up garbage and living on the streets.” And she’s always adds that “I’ll be dead and I won’t have to see you suffer.”
It hits me hard and usually I wait til she cools down and make her talk about something else when we’re having a conversation.
But lately, she has been ranting about me and how I’m a failure.
And she is right.
That’s why I hate myself. I’m too scared to commit suicide but I always think about killing myself. I almost cut myself once, but that would be bad if people ever found out. So I just cry at night and when I’m mad I clench my fists and take deep breaths until it goes away.
I know my mum secretly hates me. She dislikes me at the very least. But I know she wishes I was more than what I am. I think she wishes I was more like my cousin. My cousin is a good example of what she wants me to be. She is only a few months older than me and we are fairly close. My cousin is doing well in school, has a job, volunteers at Salvos, she is pretty, goes to a youth group, is confident, etc.
But I am completely opposite. I am failing school. I never had a job, and I would get one, but I’m ugly and fat, thus my mother saying, “no one will hire you” and that I’m “fat”. I don’t go out often and I’m shy. I have lost a little weight, but not fat. I was fasting the other week and barely ate anything, but I stopped because I heard I could gain more weight from fasting. I’m shy and quiet but I try to talk to other students but they seem to not pay any attention to me. I have friends but most of them drifted away or barely talk to me. I’m the person who walks behind everyone and gets left behind and doesn’t get invited to hang out.
I know people who have it worse, and I was tempted to go to the school counsellors once, but I never did. No one ever notices me, but when they do, they see nothing or look at me with disgust.
I have to push those suicidal feelings away, but one day, I know I won’t be able to handle it anymore.
I was actually one of the ones who did well academically, but the whole notion of the way the education system is set up here never sat well with me, even as I was getting my useless “A”s. I was literally in 2nd grade when I started questioning the educational system, because it never made sense to me.
If you look at the Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Albert Einsteins- all the geniuses who dropped out of school- they were all stifled by the rigidity of school and the rigidity of the mainstream establishment thought. Granted, 99% of us here aren’t geniuses like them, but if even they couldn’t hack school, how can we?
School is just another form of mass indoctrination of our youth, to establish a status quo, and to quell any dissent. Education is created by the elite to control us, to make us good little worker bees, to not to revolt, not think for ourselves, or have any ideas that may disrupt their little productive slave chain.
I wish I knew school was entirely bullshit when I was younger and didn’t waste so much of my time on useless shit. Don’t believe in the lie they tell you- “if you do well in school, you’ll get a good job and do well in life.” Absolute bullshit. You’ll probably just wind up heavily in debt, with the same worthless paper degree that everyone else has.
So- don’t stress out too much about grades and school- it’s mostly bullshit anyway. Enjoy your youth much as you can, i.e. study less, stress out less, don’t waste so much of your life in school or hw if you can help it. Wish someone had told me that in my youth.
Check this Ted video out:
For those who suck as school, there’s hope for you yet lol. This video talks about how schools knock the creativity out of us.
why is school so hard? I’m not meaning academically but the people, I can’t help but feel judged and people look at me and laugh and it doesn’t help that I hate my body but today was awful. In Spanish I sit by two socialites and they always try to talk to me in a nose way and today they kept looking at me and laughing. Every time I did I only tried to hide my face and go away. It’s so hard to ignore these people and no one seems to get it my friends don’t help or anything and I just feel like I’m not needed and I can’t talk to anyone because I don’t want to bother them because they look at m and I wish to disappear. I just wish I could leave these people are mean and rude and I don’t like them. I’m not a jock I’m not skinny and I don’t wear make-up because I always feel worse with it on like I made some mistake while I was wearing it. I really am just tired of it all I want to leave and disappear and I just can’t stand the thought of living anymore. I want to talk to someone but they don’t understand or they don’t help at all.
Hello friends. If anyone has suggestions on how to at least cope with the persistent pain of being alive when you don’t want to be, it’d be most welcome. Or just feel free to share whatever’s on your mind. I have gotten to the point of drawing nooses in my course syllabus. You know, like an emo high school MCR fan, except I’m 22 and too old for this juvenile behavior. I’ve gotten to the point beyond tears, where all that remains is a constant dull ache in the chest. Like I’m lugging around weights. I hate going to school, but all other avenues in life (including working) also seem to be awful. My mom would never accept my suicide because she’s religious, so I’m stuck in this hell. Well, let’s not blame it on her entirely; let’s just say I’m too ***** to do it anyway. I wish my country had welfare. Anyway, whether I leave school or not, I’m going to be in this pain for at least a while, it seems. It’s hard to imagine 60 more years of this.
Don’t have kids, fam, it perpetuates this madness.
I haven’t been sleeping well, or eating well.
This is normal for me now, but it’s affecting my grades.
But why should I care? My future doesn’t matter to me anymore.
My mom and dad always pressure me to study, to work hard, get good grades.
Numbers define me.
But what happens the day I fail?
Will you turn on me?
Why haven’t you bothered to ask what’s wrong?
Why won’t you swim out, in the sea of pressure, lies, everything-
Why won’t you come and at least try, try to save me?
I did not get to sleep last night, I had to write something for school and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get a good grade because I didn’t get to finish. A night of sleep wasted!
Well not entirely wasted it was so quiet and peaceful. I don’t think I’m going to be sleeping often. Maybe I’ll stay up all weekend with no sleep. It’s just so… UGH! I don’t even know how to explain it but I love it!
school starts tomorrow. i want to bring my blade with me. if i do it, it will hurt the person i love. but i love doing it! the only thing i regret is hurting her. i wish i could take all the hurt away and have it all on me. first day back tomorrow maybe a bloody smiley on my skin is just what i need.
It’s been a very, very long time. Last time I posted something, I was a freshman in high school and my mom had just left.
I am now a senior in high school, hoping to graduate, and struggling. I somehow turned into one of those kids that don’t try in school. The ones that go to school with bruised knuckles after having punched a wall out of anger. I thought that was incredibly stupid of them. Now I’m typing with bruised knuckles, a result of anger. Not anger at the life that was given me, but at myself.
So much crap has happened over the years, so I’ll try to keep it simple. For any of you who care.
Mom left to Mexico, I moved in with my dad. After a while I started to couch surf at my sisters’ places. I stayed at one of their places too long, we ended up hating each other for a while, moved back with my dad. Started staying at ANOTHER sister’s place, never went back home again. Dad rented his house to someone else, moved in with uncle in the next town. I secretly moved in with my boyfriend, turned eighteen, told my dad after a while. I dropped college, decided to concentrate on high school, didn’t concentrate on high school, had many breakdowns until, a couple of days ago, I had a mental meltdown. I go batshit insane trying to kill myself, stopping myself, regretting stopping myself, trying to convince myself, stopping again.
I stopped talking for a short bit. I stopped singing at the college Jazz choir. I completely stopped functioning. My chest would hurt once in a while, sharp shooting pains, when I tried to think and sort things out. I couldn’t feel music anymore, I still can’t. I can’t taste food. I can’t laugh very much. I can’t. Can’t.
Tony helped me go to the doctor. After all of these years, I’ve forgotten I was sick. He didn’t know I was sick. At least, he didn’t think I was serious. Now he’s scared as hell but he manages to still laugh a little and joke a little. I forget that I’m sick. When he makes me giggle I still hurt, and the giggle feels like a sob stuck in my throat. Am I really sick? He’s been by my side most of the time since it happened. He’s cradled me and held my hand and made me food and brushed my hair. Tomorrow I work and I’m a little scared of leaving his side. I was terrified today when I was going to the college for choir. I feel like a baby, weening.
I’ve finally been sleeping. And I’ve been letting him sleep too. Before this, I was terrified of sleep. I felt like I was losing time. But I’ve finally been sleeping. I am so exhausted. I am tired every second of the day. But I can finally close my eyes, with less regret.
Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be somewhere, but I just don’t know where. Somewhere far from here. I hate how they stare. They rarely do it, but when they do, it’s always in disgust. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want out. Where can I go? Thank you for listening.
i am, by all accounts, a survivor, an old school member of this place, and it gets better it gets so much better that i drink, just co i can fall asleep, that my writing talent, the book im going to write, is used up here and on members via email. my way out is a book i can never write, but hay, it gets better,it always gets better…
I guess I should start from the beginning. I am 17 almost 18 and have a brother who is 16 and a sister who is 20. My life sucks is complicated and somewhat confusing at times.
I was adopted when I was 4 by a family who we were all happy to be part of. I was adopted because my parents did drugs and were nearly always unconscious. We were malnourished and my sister was looking after us. So I guess the positive was we got a new family and well that’s where things were supposed to get better but in fact things somehow got worse.
My brother started to get in trouble at school and got expelled at the age of 6. He continued to struggle at school and by the age of 11 had been expelled from 3 schools! During this time I was at high school and always seemed like a lovely, bright, bubbly kid. But I hid a secret from my friends, I was struggling. When I was at home my brother often kicked off and would beat me up. Meanwhile when things got rough my mum turned to me to sort things out to comfort her and calm down my brother. Then if things could get any worse they could. My sister got into the wrong crowd at school and started smoking and drinking at the age of just 12! She had always been a troubled child but never showed it. She gave up in school and failed her GCSE’s, and on top of that she became violent and aggressive at home. She also started getting in trouble with the police for Arson and shoplifting. My mum and dad then devoted their time to getting my brother into a new school and trying to get my sister support.
In all of this I kept quite I didn’t tell anyone how much I hated going home, what actually went on. How I felt when my mum leaned on me. Soon things got worse my sister continued to be violent and left home at the age of only 15! Little did we know that she was struggling to deal with things that happened to us before we got adopted and she had developed depression. So mum and dad once again turned to getting help for my sister.
It was about this time that I started to really struggle with the situation at home, but I still didn’t say anything cause my mum and dad were dealing with everything else but soon I felt left out as if I didn’t exist. Some days my mum forgot I was even at home until I asked what was for tea. At this time I was in high school and little did my parents know that everyday I was bullied, or referred to as the yr7 who got expelled sister. I often went to my parents for help only to be welcomed with ‘ not now’ or ‘bit busy atm’ or ‘ I am not strong enough. After my sister left things got worse. My brother was diagnosed with executive functioning disorder which meant he struggled with handling frustration, starting and finishing tasks, recall/ follow simple directions, plan/ organise or self monitor.
Then something none of us saw coming happened, my brother ended up in hospital for beating himself up and attempting to strangle himself. He had to be held down by 8 paramedics an image I have never got out of my head. This happened 2 times. Both times I went to school the next day because I couldn’t handle my mum turning to me and using me as her leaning stick or take her anger out on me just like my brother and my sister had. After my sister left school the rules at home became worse, weeks/ months of pocket money taken away, no tv, computer etc. We lived in the middle of nowhere so it became hard to actually go anywhere. Music however was my best friend it comforted me when I was struggling but then my mum started taking it off me and I hit the roof. When me and my brother kicked off my mum would lock us out of the house for up to 5 hours once for 7.
My grades at school started to slip as I couldn’t concentrate at home, due to my brother always kicking off and then turning on me and I would have to deal with him and then go and comfort my mum. I barely ever got to go to see friends as my mum would take her frustration out on me which I would react to and then get punished. So I started to stay after school so I could focus on my work and funnily enough my grades got better. But home continued to get worse I could no longer pretend that I was okay or that I was happy. So my anger at home got worse and mum started calling the police on me. The first time cause I pushed a bowl of cereal off the kitchen table, second cause I trashed my room, third cause I accidentally kicked my mum and the 4th time cause I threw a waste paper basket. She then started using the police as a threat whenever I was annoyed or when I left the garden.
Then in my last year at high school my sister took an overdose and went into hospital for 4 days as she took 30 tablets. It nearly killed me seeing her there she was like a mum to me. She said she was gonna walk out and didn’t care if she bleed to death. I have never managed to get this image out of my head. I went to school the next day as I was doing my GCSE’s. Things at home just got worse and worse and I finally started to express how I felt but my mum said I didn’t feel like that and it wasn’t true and when I cried she told me to stop self pitying.
Then the summer I finished high school my mum started to take my bedroom door of me as punishment for slamming my door. I had lost my privacy as well as basically being prisoner in my home and being treated as n a 10 yr old. My mum always had to be right though we were all wrong and she was always right just because she was a grown up.
I had developed depression as well by this time and started self harming as a way to release the pain. And eventually by the end f that summer at the age of 16 I had had enough and ended up taking an overdose. Saddest part my mum didn’t believe I had taken it that I was just an attention seeker. I didn’t go to hospital the doctor advised I ate something which in the end I did. Mum still didn’t believed I had done it which made me mad.
In September 2014 I went to a boarding school, I loved it but felt out of place everyone was so much more grow up than me as my parents had basically stopped me from growing up. I started at Wymondham as a happy girl but soon could be who I was not pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I found focusing on studying hard when home was falling apart. Soon I ended up being sent to my aunties in Portsmouth cause my mum and dad couldn’t handle me. I got social workers involved but it made the situation worse mum had a go at me every weekend an asked me to apologise which I wasn’t going to.
I struggled with boys as well at school they used my vulnerability to their advantage. I finally left school in easter and moved into a flat which I enjoyed and a boy I had, had a crush on for 7 months asked me out. So things were looking up my relationship with my mum improved, however the past I hadn’t sorted out so I couldn’t put it behind me. Then 4 weeks ago I got dumped, we had slept together 2 times and he said he loved me and I loved him and cared for him, he was also my best friend and all of a sudden I had lost everything again. Home was still to stressful to go to so I stayed at the flat but became lonely and hurt, confused, misunderstood, used so much that I just didn’t want to live anymore so I took an overdose and had paramedics and police looking after me and then went home. But a week later I still didn’t want to live so ended up in hospital after taking an overdose from there I went into foster care and am now a looked after child. My parents want no contact with me, I am miles away from my brother and sister. My sister doesn’t want to talk to me. Its my brothers bday tomorrow and I wont be able to be there.
I have lost everyone and everything I cared for. I cant do it anymore I have tried to keep going but now I have no purpose. No job, no family, nothing.
I am going to my prom next week but then I am done
I am going to leave this world
Hello. Today was a bit rough. I have a little under two weeks left for school. I just need to get through it. Around this time I get kind of depressed. I am never comfortable around people and school is the only time I am ever around people. When it comes to summer, I do my utmost to stay away from public places. However, I can’t help but feel kind of shitty when going back to that routine. It means I really am alone. When you have no reason to be around people, it means people have no reason to be around you. You are alone. When summer finally comes to a close, I have tiny panic attacks about reintegrating into the public. It is awful. I don’t think I explained it all that well. Sorry. When I finally get to college (I have one year of high school left), I will really have no reason to be around people. From classes straight to an apartment and vice versa. I don’t have the guts to go out and be around people nor the motivation. I guess it makes it easier to think about ending it all. When you can’t imagine anyone really caring about you being gone, you feel slightly less guilty. Thanks for listening.
I’m not one to think of suicide when something bad happens in my life, but everyone at my school has drove me to that thought. I’ve always been bullied and been last or never picked cause of what people would say about me and how I’d be treated like someone’s little *****.. but it’s was always my nature to fucking forgive them and shit. I started to contemplate of ways to do suicide and actually think of myself never being there in people’s lives anymore and who’d about who would attend my funeral, but that was what drove me to not doing it ,because I had friends whom I missed. I’m insecure about it all. I’d want to bang my head on the wall or hit something so badly ,but I didn’t and I’m somewhat glad I didn’t cause I have alot to look forward to besides bullying and exile from “friends”. 😀