someone to truely care :(

i’m new to this ive never really told many about my problems but i really have noone to talk to about it so why not to other people who may can help or care. well im 20 year old male who i think im gay ….well now it started i believe in middle school i was never a happy person growing up although i didnt have a bad childhood i was tubby sorta but i knew many people i somehow got so scared of people i developed social anxiety disorder which i struggle with still today i remember staying out of claases going to take tests and things when the teachers had planning or the beginning of each year and each semester asking the teachers if they could please place me in the back of the class cause it made me more comfortable. in highschool i had gotten so bad where i had cut my arm and they sent me off to this place where they made me stay a week and it was the worst time of my life they practically tortured me there but whose gonna believe a so called crazy person and once i got out you can imagine the medicines they had me on i was a zombie i ended up trying to change how i looked to get people to like me and lost so much weight i got really sick i mean i had some friends everyone i talked to said im the sweetest person and had the greatest personality i could always make people laugh but in the end they all used or hurt me i just wish i wasnt around ive tried to kill myself before a few times actually people dont really know that but its like i just want someone to care id drive hours to meet someone i talked to on the phone or through email for weeks and i guess theyd see me and just not like me i just wanna find someone who will love me for me everyone ive dated has been abusive cheaters or liars i remember one guy i bought flowers and he threw them out the window and called me an idiot cause he said i should have known he was allergic to the pollen or something crazy and i didnt even know im just tired of being hurt i really have noone anymore not even friends i do as much as i can for people and noone even cares and what makes it worse in the holidays coming up ive always hated the holidays because everyone is always happy and everyone always has someone and im always alone i just wish i had someone to go out to the movies with or look at the stars with or cuddle on a cold winters night and all that cute stuff 🙂 but ill never have that people have been telling me since i was in the 6th grade that id find someone and others have i still havent itd be easier if  wasnt even around itd be so much better noone would even know im gone noone cares idk even what to say anymore im not as strong as most people i cant deal with all this 🙁 im just uhhh