oh i wish it didn’t matter.
Camus wrote that the most important matter philosophy ever brought up is the problem of suicide. Absurdist thought was very important to me in high school, and Camus’ writing helped me a lot over the years. He likened the effort of living in an absurd universe to the myth of Sisyphus pushing his rock up the hill just to have it tumble down when he reaches the top. Camus believed Sisyphus was happy- that he continued his futile task in spite of the gods. Just as we continue the futile task of living in spite of the absurd. My thought has changed over the years and i usually tell people that suicide isn’t something i consider due to the damaging wake left behind for loved ones.
suicide is often called cowardly… yet more and more these past few months i feel i’m more of a coward for continuing to live.
the last time i seriously considered suicide was three and a half years ago- just before i started dating my partner. at that time i realized that i needed to seek help and was prepared to check myself into an institution. my best friend helped a lot and i calmed down and a couple of weeks later i started dating this guy… i had so many issues i never dealt with and i pushed them to the back of my mind and replaced my problems with my relationship. our relationship got increasingly more serious to the point that we were planning our commitment ceremony- the date was to be november 5 2011. at the end of this previous summer i broke up with him. i told him i was no longer in love with him. i’ve come up with so many excuses since to tell myself and others… but i think it was a mistake. everything that could go wrong in my life has and these past few months have been the worst time of my life, with no end in sight. He kicked me out- we were living with his wonderful family- and forbade any contact with him, his family, or his friends. The apartment i hastily moved into was a terrible environment- the roommates were pothead alcoholic smokers and i spent two months getting an average of 2-3 hours of “sleep” a night with about two days a week where i would lay in bed for up to 24 hours at a time.
i’ve always used sleep as an escape- it’s the state of being i feel most secure in because it’s a reprieve from life.
i finally found a new place to live- and things were looking up. then i got fired from my job (which i had for four years) for no good reason. during this time i also have been trying to go to school. i moved away from home as soon as i turned 18- my family life was not conducive to my mental health- and have been trying on and off to go back to school. every time something terrible happens which makes me drop out or take a year or two (or four) off. i decided to push through this semester but it’s been awful. i started seeing a therapist through the school but i’m too smart to allow him to help me. he’s telling me everything i would expect him to. i found a new job- but it pays quite considerably less than my old job and with school i’m barely scraping by. i’ve always had an issue with my weight and eating (i’m not an ative anorexic, but my bmi says that i am) and the money issue isn’t helping.
with this new apartment- my roommate is fantastic but she’s always busy. i still have most of my stuff at the old place, half of it has been destroyed by one of te alcoholic roommates and i’m sitting here hoping my neighbor can help me move the rest of my shit. but it’s already late and i have a feeling my stuff is about to just be thrown away. i look around my room at my meager possessions and wonder at how little any of matters. i have nothing to show for the life i’ve lived. the only thing i look forward to is sleep.
i don’t think i’ll ever contribute anything to the world- and i think the effort of contributing is too great for me to attempt. i’ll just keep coming up with excuses to do nothing. i can feel the hours slipping away and the past six years of my life feels like a flash. i’ve been studying astronomy which has just made me so much more depressed at the brevity of humanity. why should i fight to live and breathe in a world where humanity has lasted for less than 4 seconds on the cosmic calender? we’ll all be gone in another blink of the eye and why will it have mattered?
the effort of living has proven far too great and with every passing day something else happens to defeat me- my life is in shambles and i don’t have any desire to put the pieces back. the only good thing that ever happened to me was my relationship with my ex. he took care of me, he had patience with me, he loved me, he gave me everything. i couldn’t return the sentiments, but he didn’t care.
suicide is most commonly referred to as a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but this temporary problem has been around for over 50% of my lifespan thus far… the years continue to fly by ever faster like a snowball gaining momentum and i’m terrified of the day when i’m at the end of my life and still have nothing to show for it- a future that given the way things have gone looks more and more likely. i dread tomorrow and i dread next week and i dread next month and i dread next year and then another year has gone by and i’m in the exact same place i was 14 years ago- what kind of life is that?
suicide is a mounting problem in our society, and it makes sense. the individual no longer matters. if you aren’t white, married with kids with a soul sucking career spending your money as fast as you make it then society doesn’t want you. there are entire generations of marginalized souls wandering the earth with nowhere to belong. i don’t want to belong… i don’t want to be.