Am I going insane or has it happened already? I wonder why I thought there would be some indication as to whether I could say I was sane or not? I have the feeling that asking myself such a question is useless, because sanity is socially constructed.
Years ago I had this problem: I would wake up every morning and immediately regret it. My first thought was that I should be dead, that my life was going nowhere and I was a piece of s**t. This went on for a year before I decided to get help in the form of Zoloft and therapy. The Zoloft was OK, the therapy was better.
I find myself falling into the same trap, now, 3 years later. I think about death more frequently. But I visit my family for the holiday and I’m thrown into conflict. How could I do such a thing to them? But I still feel miserable and the thought doesn’t leave my mind.
I don’t often want to see the future. The world is full of pain and suffering. My pain and suffering is insignificant in comparison, but how can I justify my relatively comfortable life when so many have nothing? How can I keep on living through all the heartbreak? Not to mention that my friends seem to have turned their backs on me and I don’t seem to be getting any wiser, just older.
I probably won’t kill myself, though. I’ve thought about it since I was 13 but never attempted. I feel like a shadow passing through a dark room. Life is miserable more than it’s good, and I have very few people to talk to any more.
1 comment
The thing is you need to focus on you and your feelings. Yeah there’s people that have things worse but you shouldnt compare your pain and misery to theirs. The people around you will unfortunately get tired emotionally of having someone like you depending on the for emotional support. The thing is you need to focus on you and your feelings and what will make you feel better. You need to be your own support your alive and you need to start acting like it and doing things you enjoy.