Adding and subtracting, the story of my life.

Each year I subtract or add numerals to which I will die, always saying I will die at 18, but give myself a chance, and then say 25, or 30. I’m 23 now. My plans were to kill myself after high school because I saw how devestated people were in school when a friend tried to off himself, which is unfair, and there’s too much publicity. I’ve never thought highly of myself, at age 6 I thought I was going to grow up and live my life in a dumpster, I use to self harm myself since that age, strangling myself with belts or scarves every time I did something wrong, and tried killing myself at 9.

I’ve been cutting myself since I was 13, it keeps me alive. I’ve lost interest in all things. I did what I had to do, because I was in and out  vocational schools all my life, so I up graded my english and went to College( I suffer from social anxiety) for a trade…so I can get away from this hell hole I live in.  Each interview prevailed nothing, I never got a job in the field …and I can’t live here anymore…I’m a burden, I’m wasting my life(says the mother)…Here’s the thing, my mother lost herself to hoarding things, and animals since I was 7…she has over 12 dogs now, that don’t know any diciplin, who bark all day, all night for hours…and when they aren’t barking the parents, and the brother fight.(fighting is a daily thing in my house)

My past evolves around my brother abusing me ever since I was born(he put glass in my bed, and whipped me)…When I was 14, I shared my bruised arm with my Counceller, that got C.A.S down on us…all my mom had to do was give up her animals, and she would get me back, she didn’t, I was an opject to her, got her neice to agree to take me from foster care, (so she can get me back, and keep her pets). I came back when I was 16, brother started abusing me again, was molested by my father’s 29 year old friend who lived with us, my father was literally a piss bucket drunk, couldn’t hold his bladder, urinated all over the kitchen often. My mother would ban him to his room down stairs everyday where he drank his life away, but then my mother got sick, and was taken to the hospital for a month, my father went crazy on my brother and I, he treated us like dirt (threw away all the dishes and cook wear, among other things) it was so bad that my brother and I both wanted to commit suicide. he then kicked my brother out, and I had to go to a shelter, from there on I was going to move out with my cousin…but my mother forced me to come back home…threatened to throw all my things away if I didn’t. I was back with my alcoholic father and sick mother…the thing is TILL this day, she doesn’t care, she rather me be in the position I am in right now than to have lost me to a better chance in life…So, now, I’m jobless, I can’t find a job, my father talks about killing himself every night, she wants me out, I have over 13 grand to pay to OSAP, and I can’t stop thinking about suicide, I’m trying to get help for my major depression/anxiety which I’ve had all my life…but I keep on thinking Im filth, I’m filth, who smells like amonia…who can’t go back to school because I have panic attacks…who ups her number to sweet 25.

I’ve left things out…but 7 has been my favorite number, and it all makes perfect sence now, it’s as if it’s an omen, seven years until I’m 30, and I’ll give myself till then to kill me off, maybe.