Back to December

Everyone loves Christmas don’t they??

Not exactly.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I honestly love Christmas, as the song even says “It’s the most wonderful time of the year”. I agree with that, it is the most wonderful time of the year, but it is also the loneliest.

When I was fifteen I had a boyfriend (I’ve mentioned him before, his name is Steven) and we were together for five months and the last month we were together for was December. I can recall it perfectly, the last time I looked into his iridescent blue eyes. I remember how much it hurt me to leave him, and I only did it out of my own discomfort and fear. I was afraid if I got too attached to him he would eventually leave me and it would hurt so bad I would not be able to stand it. I’ve seen heartbreak in action, watch my friends curdle up into a tight little ball, crying so hard because there chest hurts so bad, something inside them is literally breaking. I wasn’t ready for that, not at fifteen.

It’s one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made.

The other day I was sitting in my room listening to the radio and the song “Back to December” came on the radio being sung by Taylor Swift (who is a goddess in the country music industry of course!) and I just started bawling and bawling because that song reminds me so much of him and it hurts so bad just to think about what we used to be and what I once had but let slip away.

It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you, wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine, I go back to December turn around and change my own mind…

I go back to December all the time 🙁