I had a mental breakdown.
I cried and I cried and I cried. The sobs were silent, wracked with tears that just kept streaming down from my cheeks and no matter how much I wanted them to stop, they just wouldn’t.
I was crying for a lot of different reasons. It was weird, usually when I think about these things I just get aggravated and frustrated, I never get said and I never cry.
Today was different though. When I came home from school I should have been happy, the day wasn’t terrible for once, I had done my homework, gotten good test scores, done everything I was supposed to do. Still, I felt the need to come home and crawl into my bed and just stare up at the whirring fan, secretly wishing that it would go fast enough to rip out of the ceiling and come crashing down on me.
I just stared up at the ceiling, not even noticing when the tears began to fall. They just came and they were there on my cheeks and I couldn’t help myself but I started to sob and I had to bury myself in my pillow to keep from yelling out in agony.
I don’t think it’s fair. I should be a happy person. I’ve got a mother who loves me (despite being clueless), siblings who are for the most part bearable, a roof over my head, food to eat, good physical health, brains, and beauty (according to my mother). So what could be wrong?
NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
But I’m sad. I’m sad all the time and there’s nothing I can do about it. There’s not a switch inside me I can just flip to be happy, there’s no medicine or remedy to cure me of this disease. No therapy or counseling or any amount of help is going to make it better.
I am stuck inside this body where I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, like there is something missing or broken inside me that I can’t fix or replace.
IT’S. NOT. FAIR. I don’t understand why this feeling never goes away. Sure, sometimes I do feel happiness, but then I realize that it’s only going to last for a short while and then the sadness is going to come back and it just makes it worse for me. I need to feel something other then sadness, other then brokenness and unfinished. I need to feel alive again.
I cry all the time because…crying feels like relief.