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got the plan got the means know the time… But should I?

by satans_princess

I have a pill bottle filled with pills and a knife both hidden in my room. I could die anytime i wanted to. I’ve called a friend before well it was five diffrent friends on six diffrent times. Only once have i came close enough to be called a suicide attempt and almost as of last tuesday 7 other times. I’m a pathetic fat whore even though my friends say I’m not I am. I’m a fat midget. I’m like 5’3″ and 105 pounds. I’m ugly as hell and I’m severely BiPolar. I have hilucinations and hear voice’s a lot. Calling me Satan’s princess and shit like that. I’m trying to quit cutting… For the umpteenith time. I used to worship Satan. And i don’t see why i should live. In honesty i have 3 friends. They’re the only ones that give a shit, but they’re all destined for greatness and i’m just gonna lose all my dreams. I write poetry and the most recent poem i wrote is called voices of truth:

voices, voices

listen so, listen not

“bleed, yes bleed you wretched whore”

they scream, they scream

“see you in hell princess.”

wont leave, please leave

“hope you bleed, hope you die!”

leave, or listen

run but can’t

“die whore, don’t be shy, DIE!”

truth, they say it’s truth

“Fat whore, Stupid whore, Ugly whore.”

stop, truth is truh, say to listen

“come princess of satan my queen. Just pull the trigger.”

they jeer, they jeer

“who would care? there you are unloved, here you are welcomed”

princess, i am queen, there i should go.

“you cry you wim. what more could go wrong? your a weak whore!”

forms sourroun me, flesh burning, horrid stench

“our queen, stupid queen, for living so long.”

they told me to come, should have listened sooner.

“Fat whore, Stupid whore, Ugly whore.”

tonting, tonting

a circle has formed.

“you have fallen to our trap, bound to hell, bound to hell, die soon princess we will miss you until then.”

ripped back to reality

linger, the tonting voices linger.

“Fat whore, Stupid whore, Ugly whore.”

truth they say, it’s truth

Who would want to read that? Who would publish that? You see i am a pure failure, all that stuff the voices say, it’s true. I’m bound to hell my fate is finale so why live?


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neverthesame 12/4/2010 - 11:18 am

What it seems like you have is schizophrenia. it’s when you here voices in your head, telling you things like that. my grandma has it, and what she has voices quite similar to what you are saying. there’s medication you can take to help treat it… but I’m not gonna sugar coat this. schizophrenia doesn’t have a cure, and usually gets worse. I’m not saying that you should go kill yourself, but I just want you to know this is probably why your hearing voices.

and also, if you’re 5’3 and 105 pounds and you think you’re fat? honey I’m 5’3 and 140 pounds. I’m not fat but I’m a little over weight, so you being 5’3 and 105 pounds is in NO way even close to fat.

kie250 12/4/2010 - 11:42 am

Tell me more about you being an Ex-Satanist.

satans_princess 12/4/2010 - 11:46 am

Thank you for not sugar coating that. I hate it when people do that. I actually am not schizophrinic. I know what your talking about my uncle is. When suverely bipolar you hear voices an have halucinations a lot too. I may not be fat but i am pudgey. It’s just the truth.

kie250 12/4/2010 - 11:49 am

So where you a Satanist or not?

And why do you want to die, enligne me on that?

satans_princess 12/4/2010 - 12:12 pm

and no thank you kie. sorry but it’s not something i’m proud of or like talking about.

satans_princess 12/4/2010 - 12:15 pm

i was. And because i see no reason to live. from when i was 4 to when i was 6 i was raped. im 12 now and my family just found out. i have more guilt than i would like to admit. im insane and i dont believe in love. i have more problems the it seems

kie250 12/4/2010 - 12:52 pm

ay no worries i am 17 and trnasgendered i am also bisexual well i am still in the wardrobe about my sexuality.

At the age of 15/16 i feel into a Nihilistic Depression.
Reserch Nihilism if you do not know what it means, anayway i did not see the point in life or my edcuation, yeah i had my GCSE’s and all…i failed.

Now i struggle with Life once more, and it looks like things are not going to get better, it is just going to get worser and worser.

By the way i know alot about the Occult, i know alot about Thelema, Aliester Crowley, Anton Levey, Satanism, The Left-Hand Path ect:

blood doll suicide hand 12/4/2010 - 1:08 pm

i too am fat i dont know if 105 at 5′ is fat but o-well i think we already
live in hell. drop your guard and catch that bullet. if its all about apperence holding you back then it sounds like we got shit in common and it does sound that way. maybe nothing can help and i too know the thought of satan to me its a thought that in life we have either ups or downs satan controls the down and to me its the one that in time even though ill get fucked they will too. never stoped short though to remember that while fucked itll never matter. be peaceful and dream more of death its nice eventually even if only alittle

blood doll suicide hand 12/4/2010 - 1:13 pm

also i am dillusional too the voices are usally the only ones i hear. i see things inside my eyes. i was diagnosed scizo-effective paranoid type. its been awhile im 23 now for me thats too old

kie250 12/4/2010 - 3:29 pm

Awwww, too bad, well will the delusions stop?
If not, then kill yourself.

satans_princess 12/4/2010 - 7:09 pm

what the hell kie? don’t tell people that.

blood doll suicide hand 12/4/2010 - 9:27 pm

i already am killing myself i understand that its shitty to think people matter but in my sight its more too want them then to denie people can mean something even the bad means something to someone.

life sucks thin u die 12/4/2010 - 9:29 pm

dont kill yourself thats not the answer you do matter to people

WolfPack 12/5/2010 - 8:36 pm

It sounds like at 12 you are having a lot more problems than most people experience in their entire lives. But that doesnt mean that you should throw everything away. You say you dont believe in love but something must be holding you here because if there was nothing you would have done it already. There is something for you in this life and I dont think you should ignore it.

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