I’m losing control again and yet again nobody is here to help me…
My mom left me and my family when I was 3 years old my younger brother only being a year old. He doesn’t really care to much about it he can’t really miss somebody he doesn’t remember, but I remember her even if its not much. My dad got a gf soon after and she took care of us till I was about 5. Soon after I started taking care of my brother and myself my dad had two jobs and still didn’t make enough to put us in daycare. To this day my brother still sees me as a mother figure. At the age of 10 that’s when my dad started raping me. I didn’t understand and he told me that what he was doing to me was okay and normal and that if I kept it a secret I would be able to still have friends and go and do things and If I didn’t that I would be locked up in a room for the rest of my life. I’m 19 now and he still continues to rape me, even though I know what he is doing is wrong now I can’t bare to send him to jail because I love him to much to give him a life sentence. And My brother who has a mental disorder would be sent of to foster care… the foster care up here is shit, they only do it for the money and never take care of the kids and I can’t do that to my brother. But it takes its toll on me still knowing that as long as I stay here I will be raped by my own father. I’ve only told a few people what has been going on and that has helped a little bit. When I was 16 I was working and helping my dad pay bills, and it was beyond stressful. I would wake up at 5 to go to a church class at 6 then go to school at 7:30 get out at 2 and then work from 3pm to 12am. I was working 9 hour shifts as a minor. I rarely had a day off and when I did they would call me and ask if I could work. I pretty much lost all my friends because I couldn’t make time for them my grades dropped dramatically and thats when things went even worse. My dad started yelling at me constantly about my grades, so I cut back my hours to get my grades up not even a week later my dad would yell at me for not making enough money so I got my hours back… it was a lose/lose situation. About 6 months of dealing with this I broke down, I had already been cutting myself and christmas eve I was going to kill myself the only thing that stopped me was my brother walked in right before I did it.
I was at lunch when i broke down I couldn’t stop crying and I called my dad to come get me. I showed him the cuts and I told him I needed help but he told me it was a phase and that soon I would feel better. Realizing that I would never get help I managed to find a way where I felt nothing. And I have been living that way since i was 16 I am now 19. I still feel happiness all the emotions a normal person feels but I manage to keep from feeling close to anyone. I don’t trust anybody because In the end all I ever do is get hurt. And I don’t want to be this way but anytime I have ever let anybody get close they rip me apart and stomp on me with everything they have.
I’ve always known I’ve had severe depression but it seems like I will never get any help with it. I started cutting myself again and its the only thing that helps. I smoke Weed because it keeps me from killing myself everyday it has a magical way of making me forget everything that I don’t want to remember for a few good hours. I have a few close friends and I finally admitted how I was feeling depressed and admitted I was cutting and All i got back was you need to stop. Nothing supportive or somebody reaching out to help me find a way to get better.
Which makes it even worse because I’m the “friend” they all go to when they are feeling down and sad and need somebody to talk to. Or when the need somebody to make them happy. Because I do my best to make them feel loved so maybe one day they will see that is what I need. But with everyday goes by nobody seems to notice that I’m falling apart inside. And I don’t know how much longer I can keep up with acting like everything is okay and telling myself everything will work out
My willpower to stay alive is growing smaller everyday and I wonder what it’s going to take to get somebody to realize that i need help… But at the same time I can’t because I don’t want them to think I’m an attention whore, because I tried to commit suicide but I don’t know anything that works because I’ve tried talking and it doesn’t work… Nothing does… and all thats been in my mind lately is just ending it because then I won’t feel all the pain i feel inside thats eating me up.
10 comments
(((akgirl))) I can’t offer words of enouragement any more as they’re gone; but try talking to your friends, if they’re true friends they will understand where you are at…
TBH you sound like a strong person, who’s put up with alot. I don’t think you realy want to die now, do you? You do have options that you can take, like at 19 you can move out, even take your brother with you. I know it would be hard, but you have the chance to start over. I think you should talk to someone try RYL or even your doctor. There are people out there who can help. I’m not the best for advice, but if you want somone to listen I’m here *hugs* Nathan
Akgirl, This may not be what u want to hear but u need to seek professional help! Our job as parents is to love and nurture our kids not rape them! You are 19 now and u would be old enough to have your brother stay with u. Maybe your father was abused as a child and its history repeating itself, It needs to stop and u have the power to do that.
You say you can’t bare to send your father to jail because you love him too much to give him a life sentence. You wouldn’t be the one giving him a life sentence, its his actions that would have done that. What about the life sentence u are living every single day. Its so bad that you want to end your own life.
I hope and pray that u can find the courage to finally put a stop to all this.
I’m so sorry you have had to grow up and live a life that no child should have to endure.
Be strong sweetie do it for you XXXXX
I know I need professional help I just don’t know where to get it I’ve looked up places where I live but its just really confusing… And it was his actions that did cause it… that I should send him to jail but i just can’t. And i can barely take care of myself I am in no way near fit in taking care of my brother, I couldn’t care for him in the way he needed
I don’t know honey…hopefully someone with a bit of knowledge will read your post and beable to point you in the right direction. What about the front of the phone book…they usually have crisis numbers in there.
I just know love …the abuse has to stop. I am not walking in your shoes so I don’t know how difficult it might be for u to leave your fathers home. Maybe you aren’t even in the financial postion to do that. But hopefully you’ll find a number in that phone book that will give u information on what u can do to from here. Just keep posting honey and reach out…there are lot of people that care about u. XXX
If I were you I wouldn’t worry about sending my dad to jail… you know they get free entertainment, a place to sleep, a place to exercise, and food while they’re there? More than I can say for myself or many others out there. But that’s just me…
Honestly I don’t know if there is anything I could ever do or say that could help you… My situation may be as bad but it’s also different… all I know is that sometimes I’ve had to give up friends and family just so I could fix myself. I don’t know if that would work for you, but at least it’s a suggestion.
And LMA is right. This needs to stop. That abuse that you’ve put up with for years? I can give you a 98% chance that THAT is causing you your depression and difficulty with life. You can’t heal if it’s still happening, no matter how strong you are (and seeing as you’re still alive, you’re pretty strong).
If you ever want to just have someone to talk to, my email is blackswan1661@gmail.com.
I am crying reading this, I feel the same way about life. The only hope people like us will ever recieve can only come from ourselves, it is like a spell that can only be broken by you. I am so close to the edge I can fell the otherside, it dosent scare me anymore and I may purchase a gun in the next three days. The only reason I am here is the fact it would tear my family apart. Even that threat is lossing credibility with me. Everyone tells me things like go have fun, take a walk, pick flowers, take a class. A good friend of mine said look at the people in intensive care dieing from a serious threat like, testoscular cancer at age 19, he can never have children and his life hasent even begun yet. Keep it in prespective and find a way out. Friend dont seem to understand or want to know. Just try to be glad being here being you. This will destroy us one way or another if we let it. DON’T LET IT. And I will try and do the same. my email is deliazoroaster@yahoo.com and I am sorry this is over a year in coming since you posted your confession. I am here if you need me, for now. May God help us all.
akgirl, are you still out there? I hope so. I read your post and it moved me to reply. Please don’t take your life. Not yet….please not yet.
No I haven’t… been trying to stay strong but its deffinatly one of the harder things for me right now… lol idk if you will see this its been awhile since i replied because i forgot my login stuff lol… I still have thoughts and sometimes i get really weak… and just i really do want to off myself…but for the most part i just want somebody who is in my life to see how fucked up I am
akgirl u are not alone i just read your story and i know what u are feeling