Hello.
I am 20 years old and I have a 2 year old son.
First, I’d like to state that my son is the most beautiful and important person in my life, I love him very much. Even as a teen I have had issues with clinical depression, bipolar disorder and borderline personality. My mother had me admitted for a suicide attempt when I was 14 and there they diagnosed me and had me put on meds. I haven’t been on them since I was 15, I stopped taking them because at the time I believed I was cured and I felt like a happier person. As the years progressed I became more and more depressed and now I fear I’ve sunken very low. I constantly have thoughts of suicide and I self-mutilate. I have been since I was 13, but now it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I want to go further and further.. I know I need help but at the moment I cannot afford it, I don’t even know where to start. I have a new boyfriend and he’s a good guy overall, we live together and he gets along well with my son but to me at times it seems as though he more pushes me down in the dumps more than helping me out. I searched for a place to be able to speak to other about how I feel right now because I cannot tell him.. I don’t want to worry him and I also am deathly afraid of how he’ll judge me or if he’ll believe this to be a cry for attention. I was sitting in our bathroom crying because I feel so lost, usually when I feel this way all I really need to do is cut or hold my son, I’ve done both and I still feel as though I’ve lost all will to live.. I know I need to be here for my child but I just feel like I’ve been drained of all the energy that I have. I just want to be happy or at least somewhat content with myself. I feel like such a monster and that adds on to my depression sometimes I know where this all stems from and a few hours or days later I overcome it, but I just hurt so much, I feel like things for everyone in my life including my son will be so much better if I remove myself from the equation. I don’t know where to go or what to do before stumbling upon this site I paced outside in the cold in shorts and a t-shirt thinking of ways to talk myself out of it, I counted some pain medication 4 times while sitting on the bathroom floor 36 pills and yes I cut down my arm and legs….. I kissed my son and I decided to come here…My best friend committed suicide at 17 years of age, I lived in a different state at the time and had only had phone contact with her 3 times I found out about it while I was visiting home and pregnant with my son, I miss her very much and now I start to wonder if she had the right idea.. I don’t know what it is I can do at this point, I guess I just need encouraging words and time… Thank you for reading…
4 comments
This is going to sound so hippocritical but I think you should really try and hold on for your son. He is too young to understand what you are going through – maybe that is a good thing now, but he’s going to want some answers when he is older and maybe then he won’t be able to handle it. Could you not at least try and talk to your boyfriend? If he’s anywhere near a decent man he will try and help you. I think I am pretty much in your situation, although without the son and I have never had a boyfriend. I self harm all the time and have tried to kill myself 5 times in the last 6 months because I feel so lost and like I am letting everyone else down, and sometimes feeling pain is better than feeling numb.
i know how you feel. Knowing people (one you care for or cares for you) wont listen is more painful than hurting yourself. But I guess you are in the best position to make everything right (atleast for you and your son). You have a son and you have the power to make him understand that listening is more effective than providing solutions to your (our, im suicidal too) problems. Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
First off you should get back on the meds if you have those clinical problems… if you cant afford them find some alternative treatments. Now let me tell you there is no greater gift than the love of a mother to her child. Your child can either grow under the loving care of his mother, you, and grow up to be a decent loving man or grow up without a mother and carry an emotional scar that will never heal. Life is tough but to grow as a person one must defeat his/her problems if not for you do it for your son. A motherless child is a lonely child. Those around you will not be better off without you… they will miss you very much like you miss your friend…
dont hold on for the kids.. that is the worst thing anyone has ever told me. I have 2 and they will be fine when I am gone. There mom is re-married and they have 2 more siblings.. . The best thing to do would be get life insurance and if you decide to die make sure its in a way that will pay off… sure they may have my mom killed herself issues, if someone was hurtful enough to tell them that there mom killed herself. if you are done with life then be done and get it over with dont be a 98%er get er done…if you choose to live then go seek a counceling they can uncovere why the depression sit and does not lift.