Destined to be Dismal

So, here’s the deal.  This year I started university.  I stayed for two months until I decided I wanted to switch my faculty.  In order to do that I had to quit school and return as a first year in September.  I’d go through the reasons as to why this is but it’s rather complicated and I’ve grown tired of explaining it.  Right now I’m out of school and I’m working in retail.  I’ve already reapplied to four different schools that offer my desired program and I’m waiting on the results now.  I check my email/mail everyday in hopes of seeing an acceptance letter.  I know I shouldn’t expect to see it until April as this is when I got my acceptance last year.

You see, I graduated from high school with grades that were through the roof.  I should have no problem re-entering the academic world but I’m so paranoid that for some reason that won’t be possible.  Actually, it’s not for some reason, I just don’t want to say it in fear of someone I know seeing this and somehow being able to put two and two together and figure out that I wrote it.  Anyway, the point is that I’m scared I won’t get re accepted, be trapped in retail for the rest of my life and be seen by my family and people I know in the angel-that-fell-from-grace kind of way.

I think my problem is that I’m a highly sensitive person.  I feel everything that everyone says to a very high degree.  I even feel things that I know are probably just what I perceive and aren’t really true.  In retail, I feel helpless.  I feel like if I don’t get back into university, I’m going to suffer at the hands of others who disrespect me and think low of me for the rest of my life for minimal pay.  And you can tell me not to care what others think but I do so very much.

I’m terrified people think I’m stupid or defective in someway.  I have all my life.  Well, more like ever since I was ten years of age and  I was bullied for my social awkwardness (I was very quiet, rarely smiled and had a few friends but I was content…I just wanted to be left alone) and for having poor grades.  I was harassed and humiliated and I just felt so helpless.  When I got into high school, I decided to turn it all around and I did very well.  In fact, I excelled at a level far above the very people who bullied me.  However, I was quite obsessive.  I made sure to eliminate all and everything that could/would affect my grades and in turn other’s perception of my intellectual abilities.  Hell, I was even afraid of my posture.  For example, I made sure I walked very carefully so that if there was something that would make me look different in someway, it would be undetectable.  For the record, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way I walk or carry myself physically; I’m just extremely conscious of it.

Anyway, I’m digressing a bit but the reason I can’t work in retail for the rest of my life and the reason why I get so angry when people try to tell me:  “university is not the be all end all” is because people don’t treat you with respect.  I’m sorry but university IS my be all end all.  I’ve worked so hard for it.  I can’t take it when people talk to me like I’m an idiot.  I find it so hurtful.  It takes me back to when I was ten years old.  Back when I felt like I couldn’t do anything to stop people from how they treated me and when I couldn’t even respect myself.  I guess I fear that if I don’t get back to university (my personal dream because I was made to believe I was too stupid to make it) that I will be trapped in a world like the one my ten year old self lived in.

I’m sorry and ashamed to say that if I don’t make it out of this situation I’m going to kill myself.  Yes, I worry about the people in my life that I consider family and friends and how they will deal with my departure but how can I believe what they feel for me if I can’t feel it for myself?

I also feel guilty for even posting this here as I know there are people out there that suffer far worse than I do and have.  Maybe this is all in my head and I should get help but for me that’s admitting I have a problem.  Last time I went to see a psychiatrist was when my school thought I was learning disabled (because of my poor grades) and turned a blind eye to the fact I was being harassed by my peers.  I remember feeling very frightened and ashamed having to go to all these doctors and having all these assessments done.  I felt like my parents thought less of me.  Even though tests confirmed there was nothing wrong with me, I still feel like my parents don’t expect me to amount to much.

Anyway, I know I should get help and I am of age where I think I can request that my medical activities (for lack of a better term) not be disclosed to my parents.  I just need to gather some courage to go do it.

Whether or not it was a good idea to post this here, I feel a little bit better for getting this off my chest.  I feel relief…at least for now.