So, here’s the deal. Â This year I started university. Â I stayed for two months until I decided I wanted to switch my faculty. Â In order to do that I had to quit school and return as a first year in September. Â I’d go through the reasons as to why this is but it’s rather complicated and I’ve grown tired of explaining it. Â Right now I’m out of school and I’m working in retail. Â I’ve already reapplied to four different schools that offer my desired program and I’m waiting on the results now. Â I check my email/mail everyday in hopes of seeing an acceptance letter. Â I know I shouldn’t expect to see it until April as this is when I got my acceptance last year.
You see, I graduated from high school with grades that were through the roof. Â I should have no problem re-entering the academic world but I’m so paranoid that for some reason that won’t be possible. Â Actually, it’s not for some reason, I just don’t want to say it in fear of someone I know seeing this and somehow being able to put two and two together and figure out that I wrote it. Â Anyway, the point is that I’m scared I won’t getÂ re accepted, be trapped in retail for the rest of my life and be seen by my family and people I know in the angel-that-fell-from-grace kind of way.
I think my problem is that I’m a highly sensitive person. Â I feel everything that everyone says to a very high degree. Â I even feel things that I know are probably just what IÂ perceive and aren’t really true. Â In retail, I feel helpless. Â I feel like if I don’t get back into university, I’m going to suffer at the hands of others who disrespect me and think low of me for the rest of my life for minimal pay. Â And you can tell me not to care what others think but I do so very much.
I’m terrified people think I’m stupid or defective in someway. Â I have all my life. Â Well, more like ever since I was ten years of age and Â I was bullied for my social awkwardness (I was very quiet, rarely smiled and had a few friends but I was content…I just wanted to be left alone) and for having poor grades. Â I was harassed and humiliated and I just felt so helpless. Â When I got into high school, I decided to turn it all around and I did very well. Â In fact, I excelled at a level far above the very people who bullied me. Â However, I was quite obsessive. Â I made sure to eliminate all and everything that could/would affect my grades and in turn other’s perception of my intellectual abilities. Â Hell, I was even afraid of my posture. Â For example, I made sure I walked very carefully so that if there was something that would make me look different in someway, it would be undetectable. Â For the record, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way I walk or carry myself physically; I’m just extremelyÂ consciousÂ of it.
Anyway, I’m digressing a bit but the reason I can’t work in retail for the rest of my life and the reason why I get so angry when people try to tell me: Â “university is not the be all end all” is because people don’t treat you with respect. Â I’m sorry but university IS my be all end all. Â I’ve worked so hard for it. Â I can’t take it when people talk to me like I’m an idiot. Â I find it so hurtful. Â It takes me back to when I was ten years old. Â Back when I felt like I couldn’t do anything to stop people from how they treated me and when I couldn’t even respect myself. Â I guess I fear that if I don’t get back to university (my personal dream because I was made to believe I was too stupid to make it) that I will be trapped in a world like the one my ten year old self lived in.
I’m sorry and ashamed to say that if I don’t make it out of this situation I’m going to kill myself. Â Yes, I worry about the people in my life that I consider family and friends and how they will deal with my departure but how can I believe what they feel for me if I can’t feel it for myself?
I also feel guilty for even posting this here as I know there are people out there that suffer far worse than I do and have. Â Maybe this is all in my head and I should get help but for me that’s admitting I have a problem. Â Last time I went to see a psychiatrist was when my school thought I was learning disabled (because of my poor grades) and turned a blind eye to the fact I was being harassed by my peers. Â I remember feeling very frightened and ashamed having to go to all these doctors and having all these assessments done. Â I felt like my parents thought less of me. Â Even though tests confirmed there was nothing wrong with me, I still feel like my parents don’t expect me to amount to much.
Anyway, I know I should get help and I am of age where I think I can request that my medical activities (for lack of a better term) not be disclosed to my parents. Â I just need to gather some courage to go do it.
Whether or not it was a good idea to post this here, I feel a little bit better for getting this off my chest. Â I feel relief…at least for now.